Just Do It.

Vote Bitches says it all. And I mean it in the most loving way. I specifically mean gay men and women when I say Vote Bitches. This election is critical to all the beliefs that have made the gay and Women’s Movements so dynamic and powerful. This is not time to let some gross batch of Christina (Mormon, same thing) zealots to swoop in and challenge our rights to live our lives freely. The hypocrisy of the Romney Ryan ticket and all their Gross Baboon followers will come to an end toady when we band together and get out there and exercise our right as Americans to VOTE.

So, yes, ladies and ladies, go out there and VOTE BITCHES. If the Karadashians can…so can you. As The Kardashian Turns kast of the Bizarro World Kardashians also want you to Vote Bitches.

Now these bitches know what they are talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVsbVtQU78g

I Mean…What?!?

We love these gals.

The comedy continues with episode 2 of the hilarious new  parody web series by Abe Gurko! – RadarOnline

Once you’ve sampled this guilty pleasure it will be difficult to return to the “real” thing without thinking of As The Kardashians Turn. – Paula Duffy, HULIQ

Nothing is safe in ‘As the Kardashian Turns,” a new Web series about the Kardashian clan that says what we’re all thinking. – Kimberly Rae Miller, CBS 92.3 Radio

Abe Gurko, or as we prefer to call him “The Kardashianator”, is behind the cutting edge Comedic Web Series that features major pop culture icons being parodied all in the spirit of off-the-cuff fun. – Bridget Petrella, Upbeat Entertainment News

No one is happier than me and the cast and crew of As The Kardashian Turns how well received this mini-series has been from viewers and reviewers. We all chipped in our time and energy to bring you lively innocent fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVsbVtQU78g

For info: vote@imeanwhat.com

I Mean…What?!?

Watch the episodes here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVsbVtQU78g

For info: vote@imeanwhat.com

As The Kardashian Turns – A Kardashian Named Desire

I Mean…What?!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlJt_MIkUic

Watch Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian tell you to Barack The Vote. Best slogan ever… Vote Bitches. Don’t you wonder who The Kardashians are going to vote for come November? Well look no further than this new Public Service Announcement from the Bizarro World Kardashian Sisters.

Get it together America…Vote for Barack Obama on November 6.

I Mean…What?!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B48akNgoNfI

As The Kardashian Turns take us to the set of photo shoot for their new kosmetics kampaign. The girls plot to put Kris Jenner away in PR rehab, since she has become addicted to the limelight. Will Bruce Jenner save her or is he in on the intervention?

As The Kardashian Turns – A Kardashian Names Desire

I Mean…What?!?

The New Witches of Eastwick?

Now that the Kardashian’s have resumed being in the top spot of media placement, not a day goes by that we don’t know what is happening in their lives. Between romances, pregnancies, and marital bliss we are pretty much up-to-the-minute with the Kardashian girls. In today’s episode, KIM, KHLOE & KOURTNEY are hanging around the Kardashian Kalabasas Kompound Kitchen doing nothing, contrary to popular belief that what they really do is nothing.

INT. KARDASHIAN KALABASAS KOMPOUND – NIGHT

KIM, KHLOE & KOURTNEY are hanging around the Jenner house kitchen doing nothing, contrary to popular knowledge of what they really do, which is nothing.

KOURTNEY: (Laying on the couch, laptop on belly, eating Fluffer Nutter.) I am sooo tired.

KHLOE: (Enters holding martini.) From what exactly?

KOURTNEY: You try getting pregnant and talk to me then. You’ll see.

KHLOE: Kim, can you stand her?

KIM: (Kim is annoyed deep in text mode.) Another wardrobe malfunction?

KHLOE: Kim.

KIM: What?

KHLOE: Your sister is complaining about being tired from her pregnancy.

KIM: Kourtney, we are not being filmed right now, so you can take that pillow out of your shirt and relax.

KOURTNEY: I don’t know what you are talking about.

KHLOE: Bitch, the cameras are off, it’s just us. We know that you’re really not pregnant. Remember, I came up with that storyline because you were hovering on the brink of irrelevance according to the tabloids.

KOURTNEY: You bitch. (Takes out pillow.) Whatever. (Gets up to get a martini.)

KIM: Your idea? Hello, it was my idea to get Kourtney knocked up again. Once Kanye and I hooked up Kourtney needed something fast. (Gets up, goes to mirror.) You really are a bitch. (Sneaks a swig of booze.)

KHLOE: (To camera.) Seriously, we are all bitches.

KOURTNEY: That may be true, but you are the worst.

KIM: (Returns to seat.) Kourtney bring back that Fluffer Nutter. I am famished and friggen Kanye does not let me eat my fun foods. She is sooo demanding, that one.

KHLOE: I still can not believe that you are screwing Kanye West.

KOURTNEY: Are you really screwing Kanye or PR screwing Kanye?

KIM: Is there a difference?

KHLOE: Yes, one is for show, the other is for poontang. You guys need a man like Lamar. He does whatever I want.

KOURTNEY: That’s ’cause you have become his Sugar Mamma, girl.

KIM: He’s like the new black Kris Humphries.

KHLOE: Let me at her. (Goes to attack KIM.)

KOURTNEY gets between them.

KOURTNEY: Cut it out you two bitches.

KIM: Let’s face it, we don’t have the best luck with men.

KHLOE: Speak for yourself.

KIM: Come on, look at us. We are sooo amazing. No man is really truly worthy of us. Or me anyway, for sure.

KHLOE: You’re pathetic.

KOURTNEY: She has a point Madame Odom.

KHLOE: I happen to love Lamar and he loves me. You’re both just jealous.

KOURTNEY: Jealous of that thing? I don’t think so. Frankly, I like my situation the best.

KHLOE: What a fake pregnancy? That’s just sad.

KOURTNEY: At least I only have to deal with Scott’s little Disick when we are filming the show. You guys are all up in your mans’ business twenty-four-seven. That’s annoying beyond.

KIM: You just wish you could nail someone like Kanye West.

KOURTNEY: Are you high? (Kim checks her nose in mirror.) I would sooner get really pregnant with Scott’s little Disick.

KHLOE: Sisters, sisters, enough. This is no time for a pissing contest. We have a few precious hours to be real without the watchful eyes of Kris that bitch and her friggen cameras. Let’s just try to enjoy this moment.

KIM: First of all, don’t call me your sister until you get that friggen DNA test. And (B) if I wanted to enjoy myself, I would not be here with the two of you. I’d be with Kanye, Beyonce, Jay Z and Gwenythe Paltrow.

KHLOE: They, like we, think you are beyond annoying.

KIM: You both are just jealous.

KHLOE: You really are the world’s biggest bitch.

KOURTNEY: She’s not a bitch, dummy, she’s a whore.

KIM: (To camera) Help, I cannot believe that we have three more years of this shit. I have to get out of this contract. Ryan Seacrest, I hate you.

I Mean…What?!?

Stunning

Just wanted to congratulate Beyoncé on her return to the stage this weekend at Revel in Atlantic City. Even Michelle Obama went to see her. These videos show her process from birthin’ babies to boogying back on stage. Just wanted to wish her the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut27AvAhB7o

SCENE FROM DAYS OF KIM’S LIVES…ALL OF THEM: THE BEYONCÉ KONUNDRUM

KHLOE: What’s with the luggage? Where do you think you are going?
KIM: London.
KHLOE: London? For what?
KIM: Kanye is going to tour in Europe and Jay Z and Beyoncé just rented a house there for the summer.
KHLOE: Our season has started, dear. Does Momager know?
KIM: Well???? I was hoping you could help me with this.
KHLOE: Help? How? You need to be here to film the mindless blather that is our lives.
KIM: Ugh, I got to go London and become BFFs with Beyoncé. It’s as simple as that.
KHLOE: What’s simple is you. Now get real. Forget London. We have to film the episode when I break a heel on the subway grate trying to re-enact Marilyn Monroe from The Seven Year Itch.
KIM: I read that script and think it’s ridic. And besides, Kourtney can fill in for me. I am going to London period.
KHLOE: You are sad sniffing at the heels of Beyoncé. She’s not that into you.
KIM: Yet.

Click to read the other episodes of Days of Kim’s Lives, currently being cast as a web series.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qheydtm3oIo

I Mean…What?!?

And Kim Kardashian's pregnant bagel.

Oooh, Lordie be. The gossip mill is saying that Anna Wintour has banned Kim Kardashian from the Costume Institute Gala. Snap and snap again makes two snaps up. Naturally, we must immediately turn this moment into The Days of Kim’s Lives…All Nine of Them. The Gala Snub Episode.

INT. KARDASHIAN KOMPOUND – NYC – SUNDAY NIGHT (EVE OF GALA)

Kim Kardashian is desperately trying to squeeze into a gold Herve Leger by Max Azria bandage gown, which gets stuck at her rump.

KIM: Mother.
KRIS: What are you doing?
KIM: (Grunting) Help me tug this mummy shit up over my ass.
KRIS: Maybe you should not wear this and let’s see that lovely Marchesa confection that Georgina sent me, I mean you.
KIM: Until Harvey Weinstein puts me in a movie, I am not wearing Marchesa. (Grunt)
KRIS: And where do you think you are wearing this rag to anyway. I have nothing lined up for you tonight.
KIM: It’s what I want to wear tomorrow to the Costume Institute Gala.
KRIS: Oy.
KIM: What, oy? (They stop trying to get the dress up.)
KRIS: You are not on the list for that event, dear.
KIM: What are you talking about. I am going to that Gala, period.
KRIS: But…
KIM: But, nothing. And speaking of butt, let’s try one more time.

They resume squeezing Kim’s ass into the dress and finally succeed.

KIM: There, wait till Anna gets a load of this Oscar worthy look.
KRIS: Darling, you know I deprive you of nothing but there is no turning back time.
KIM: Thanks, Cher. But I will just call Kanye. (Picks up bedazzled Blackberry.)
KRIS: Kanye has no power over Anna, dear. Trust me, this is a no go.
KIM: We’ll just see. Kanye, baby, its Ki Ki. Call me. Need to whisper sweet nothings in your… well… you know.
KRIS: How can you even breathe in that thing.
KIM: Help me out of this.
KRIS: Look, who cares about Anna Wintour anyway. She doesn’t appreciate your voluptuousness.
KIM: Yes she does, her daughter Bee kinda looks like me. Maybe Anna is just jealous of my fame.
KRIS: You have a point.
KIM: Now why isn’t Kanye getting back to me? If he is avoiding me…
KRIS: Sweetheart, let’s just get you our of this town and back to Kalabasas for a few days. Who cares about Anna, Costumes, or Kanye anyway.
KIM: Um, last I checked, ME! How dare that thug avoid me. He’s a cheap excuse for Jay Z anyway. You know, I think that is why Beyonce is avoiding me and all my calls. She probably thinks Kanye is not as good as her man. Well,  I’ll show her, him, them, Anna, everyone, (Break down into hysterical tears.)
KRIS: (Picks up leopard print iPhone) Kanye, this is Kris Jenner. It’s bad. And I have to get her out of New York City tonight. Now get your over exposed ass over here and help me with this. We had a deal. And you better help out or I will tell the press everything.

A SHORT TIME LATER

KANYE: Kris, I got here as soon as I heard. But what can I do?
KRIS: I don’t know, but something. She is in her room sedated.
KANYE: On what?
KRIS: A special blend I created over the years for when the girls get too hysterical or demanding.
KANYE: Inject?
KRIS: In the ass, they don’t feel it.
KANYE: Well, I called Anna again and she said no way, no how.
KRIS: Well, then you can’t go.
KANYE: Are you high, woman? Don’t forget who you are talking to.
KRIS: And vice versa.
KANYE: We need to get you and your baby girl out of town by sundown brown.
KRIS: Suggetions?
KANYE: Get another dose of that crap ready. I am calling Jazy Z to use his plane and you guys will wake up in sunny California.
KRIS: Us guys? What about you?
KANYE: Look, lady, if you think I am missing the biggest night in fashion for the sake of our cockadoodle romance, well think again. We made a deal to help you get Kim’s ass back in good graces. And I did my part. Now go get that needle, bitch. (Starts texting)

KIM ENTERS.

KIM: (Groggy) What’s everyone yelling about?
KRIS: We weren’t yelling dear. Look Kanye is here to see you.
KIM: Kanye, baby. I want to wear a gold lame dress tomorrow. What are you wearing? Maybe you should wear a gold tuxedo so we can wow the press. And show Anna that we are the Oscars of her silly little party.
KRIS: (Sotto) She’s three sheets to the wind. Just say anything. It’s like she is sleep walking.
KANYE: Great idea. I happen to have a gold tuxedo and we will look like a million dollars.

KRIS gets another syringe ready.

KIM: Oh Kanye, pretend dating you is so much fun. (Hugs him as Kris injects her butt.)
KRIS: That ought to do it.
KIM: Kanye, your tickling me.

KIM PASSES OUT COLD.

KANYE: Let’s get her on the couch. They’ll be here any minute to take you guys to Teterboro Airport.

FADE TO BLACK

I Mean…What?!?

Kris Jenner

In the last episode titled, A Kardashian Kristmas, rumors were swirling that Kim Kardashian was skulking around with Kanye West. Surely not enough time had lapsed from when Kim ended her measly 72-day marriage to Kris “The Dufus” Humphries. Naturally Archangel Kris Jenner, whose sole reason on Earth is to protect her children, while throwing herself into the spotlight whenever possible, frowned at such a union. That Kristmas morning, Kris Jenner, clad in a leopard print bathrobe available at Sears, was nervously cruising the Internet and was horrified at all the negative comments about her family. Hence her frustration with her daughter Kim, a.k.a. the cash cow. And when I say cash cow, I mean kash and kow with a K.

Now that Kim is off the media’s shit list and they have resumed covering her every move, the Kardashian Kollection Klan, which we can lovingly call the KKK, has been spending all sorts of time in New York City. So, without any further ado, here is the next installment of The Day’s of Kim’s Lives…All Nine Of Them.

A KARDASHIAN NAMED DESIRE

INT. KARDASHIAN KOMPOUND – NEW YORK CITY – LATE MORNING

KRIS JENNER is seated at a leopard-print dinette set, clad in a one-shoulder, tiger-print robe available at Sears, reading the New York Post. She gasps, reacting to the picture of Kanye West’s leather pants being pulled up from below his fur-lined genitalia standing right behind her famous-for-her-behind daughter, Kim. KHLOE KARDASHIAN ODOM enters the room clad in the same tiger-print robe.

KHLOE: Mom, I said I was going to wear the Kardashian Kollection tiger-print robe this week. We can  not be filmed together wearing it. It’s weird.

KRIS JENNER: The crew is not going to be here for another hour, I will change in a bit. In the meanwhile, we have much bigger fish to fry.

KHLOE: You know I don’t cook. That is the secret to why Lamar and I have stayed together for so long. I feed him in other ways.

KRIS JENNER: Gross. Save that kind of talk for your upcoming television special, Playboy Channel Presents Khloe & Lamar: How To Have The Best Honeymoon and spare me the details.

KHLOE: Gosh, Ma, you are so uptight.

KRIS JENNER: Between Kim and Kanye’s disgusting picture in the Post and your sex talk, I am beginning to wonder who raised you girls?

KHLOE: (Shoots her a inquisitive look.) What disgusting picture?

KRIS JENNER: Look here. Kanye literally caught with his pants down, dry humping your sister.

KHLOE: Let me see, let me see.

KRIS JENNER: Is Kim in her room?

KHLOE: I guess, there was all sorts of rustling noises coming from there.

KRIS JENNER: She brought Kanye West home with her? (Marches to bedroom door, knocks on door.) Kim Kriselda Kardashian. You come out here at once. (Returns to dinette.)

KHLOE: Someone’s in trouble.

KIM KARDASHIAN enters wearing a one-shoulder, tiger-print robe.

KHLOE & KRIS JENNER: Why are you wearing that robe?

KIM: Oh, relax you two. Now what is so important that you interrupted my…my…beauty sleep.

KHLOE: There was an awful  lot of sheet rustling and moaning for someone claiming to be experiencing rem sleep.

KIM: Hush, Miss Ex-Dallas Cheerleader.

KRIS JENNER: Listen up, you two. I have worked my ass off since Kristmas with a K to get you back in the good graces with the media and the public. Have either of you ever read the things that people say about you on the internet? The world can not stand the two of you. But thanks to me, we have turned that Kris Humphries and lame basketball playing corner and gotten us back on track. The last thing I need from you two is lip service…especially not a collagen induced one.

KIM: Oh, relax, Tiger Mom.

KRIS JENNER: What did you call me?

KIM: Well, you are my mom and you are wearing tiger-print. Sheesh, get a sense of humor.

KHLOE: (Sotto to Kim) She needs to get laid. (To Kris) We are a bit worried about you, Mom. We think you need to take some time off. Maybe a vacation with Bruce.

KRIS JENNER: Are you kidding? That is the last thing I need right now. I have to be here in New York and keep my eye on the ball, not lollygagging at a friggen spa with your over-plucked and constantly-massaged step-father.

KHLOE: Do I detect trouble in paradise?

KRIS JENNER: I don’t want to talk about it. (Pours coffee, getting faklempt.)

The three women clad in one-shoulder, tiger-print robes huddle together at the leopard print dinette set and drink coffee out of zebra print mugs, all available at Sears.

KIM: Mom, we love you and are starting to get a bit worried.

KRIS JENNER: Girls, everything I do, is for you. Do you know what I have sacrificed?

KHLOE: We know, and that is why we want you to take it easy for a bit.

KIM: Yes, Marmy, you need a break. You are starting to act… well… weird.

KRIS JENNER: What do you mean?

KIM: I mean, your hair at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was scary. You looked like the Bride of Frankenstein.

KHLOE: We know we are not easy to handle. But we are amazing (The girls high five) and are here for you?

KIM: Even if us being here for you means that you are not here with us being here.

KHLOE: Huh? (Beat) Yes, what she said, I think.

KRIS JENNER: But, it is my job to…to…

KIM: It is your job to be our Mom. Period.

KHLOE: You have taken this Kardashian Krap with a K to heart. We love you but…but…

KIM: Maybe this is a good time to go back to Kalabasas and focus on Kylie and Kendall.

KHLOE: (Sotto) And out of our hair.

KRIS JENNER: What did you say?

KHLOE: And be out there… to take care of yourself.

KIM: You need to go home, spend some quality time with Bruce.

KRIS JENNER: Quality time with Grandma? As opposed to being a guest on the Today show? Or being photographed on the Red Carpet and having dinners in the Meatpacking District? Are you high?

The front door opens. BRUCE JENNER enters.

BRUCE, KIM & KHLOE: Surprise!

KRIS JENNER: What the fuck…

BRUCE: Well, that wasn’t quite the response I was hoping for.

KRIS JENNER: What I meant to say was, “What a lovely surprise”. (Rolls eyes.)

BRUCE: I knew this wasn’t a good idea.

KRIS JENNER: Well, whose idea was it?

KIM & KHLOE slink away from the table.

BRUCE: Well, if you must know, this is an intervention.

KRIS JENNER: A what? Intervention? From what?

KIM: We are afraid that you are addicted to the limelight.

KHLOE: And we all know how very dangerous that can be.

KRIS JENNER: I don’t know what you are talking about. I live in the shadow of my girls.

BRUCE: Shadow? Kris, you make beginning to make Kim look like Greta Garbo.

KHLOE: Ouch.

KRIS JENNER: I am only doing my job as the family momager to make us rich and famous. And this is the thanks I get? A one way ticket to rehab?

BRUCE: Think of it as a hiatus.

KRIS JENNER: Don’t patronize me.

KIM & KHLOE: It’s just for a little.

KRIS JENNER: Is it Promises at least, so I can be with some other celebrities?

BRUCE: Oh, brother.

KANYE WEST enters with nothing but a blanket wrapped around his nether region.

KANYE: What is all the commotion about. Don’t you people ever separate?

KRIS JENNER: Maybe you can talk some sense into these people. They want to send me to a celebrity rehab.

KANYE: (To Bruce) Are you their grandmother?

BRUCE: No, it’s me, Bruce Jenner.

KANYE: (To Kris) Well, celebrity rehab sure beats going to A.A.

KRIS JENNER: (Breaks down) Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

BRUCE: You need a few weeks to just be still. We will all be fine.

KYLIE and KENDALL enter.

KRIS JENNER: Girls, girls, help me. They want to send me away.

KYLIE & KENDALL: You told her?

KRIS JENNER: But we have that shoot for Teen Vogue China next week.

KYLIE & KENDALL: Mommy, we have got it covered.

KRIS JENNER: What do you mean?

KYLIE & KENDALL: William Morris Endeavor has it all under control.

KRIS JENNER: William Morris? Endeavor? Those sharks? Over my dead body are any of you to take a meeting with anyone, ever. (Freaks out)

Two male nurses enter with a straight jacket and approach KRIS JENNER.

KRIS JENNER: What do you think you’re doing? Kim, Khloe, Bruce?

KANYE: We’ll visit you.

KRIS JENNER: Somebody help me. Better yet, somebody call my publicist.

One of the nurses injects KRIS JENNER with a sedative.

KRIS JENNER: Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

The male nurses put the straight on KRIS JENNER and they plop her in a chair. She zonks out.

KANYE: Now, let’s get this party started.

They all start dancing. The male nurses are strippers.

END SCENE.

I Mean…What?!?

Kanye and Kim Kardashian.

So here’s the downside for Kanye Kardashian. Um, that’s it.

The New York Daily News had this to say:

KANYE WEST and Kim Kardashian may be highly compatible, but their brands are not. The rapper drew double takes Tuesday night when he showed up at Chanel’s Tribeca Film Festival Dinner at Odeon with his new squeeze — but not because they’re the media’s latest celebrity obsession.

Word quickly traveled among the chic crowd that Kanye was supposed to come solo to the dinner, which also drew Robert De Niro, Liv Tyler, Val Kilmer, Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber, and he probably should have. One guest says Kardashian “was really out of place” at the Tribeca bistro.

We think we understand why: West, who’s a true hip-hop artiste and has brought his Dw collection to the runways of Paris, fits in with Chanel’s haute fashion image, but Kardashian, whose label hangs on racks at Sears, does not. Will H&M please come to the rescue?

 THE DAYS OF KIM’S LIVES…A KARDASHIAN KRISTMAS – Posted December 28

Has the dust settled yet? Come on. Enough is enough. You can not keep Kim Kardashian down any longer. She has served up vittles to poor people and schlepped to Haiti to show just how much she cares, which was exhausting, thank you very much. Kim has gone down on her knees to say two hail Marys—OK, maybe it was to her hairdresser and make-up artist—but she feels absolved. Now she wants in on the action, so where’s the party? Look no further as last week Kim hit the Kanye West and Jay-Z “Watch the Throne” concert and after-party in Los Angeles. Word is that Kanye could not keep his hands off Kim. Let’s just CUT TO some of the out takes from the cancelled Kardashian Kristmas Special on E!, where not a kreature was stirring, not even a kouse.

INT. KARDASHIAN KALABASAS KOMPOUND – KRISTMAS MORNING

KIM KARDASHIAN is creeping into the Jenner House wearing a leopard print mini-dress and a chinchilla fur bolero jacket. She is holding her 6-inch Brian Atwood crystal-embellished heels in one hand and an orange Birkin bag in the other. She is clearly doing the walk of shame. As she tippy-toes towards the staircase, KRIS JENNER walks out of the kitchen with a grimaced look holding a leopard print mug in one hand and Star magazine in the other.

KRIS: Don’t tell me you were with Kanye last night or should I say this morning.
KIM: What are you talking about?
KRIS: Oh please, Kim.  Everyone knows that you two are stepping out. It’s right here in black and white and color. “Eating Kim up like a piece of cake” indeed.
KIM: Oh, so you are going to believe what the Star says over me?
KRIS: (Shoots her a look) I would like to believe you Missy. But it has been the kind of year where I have had to act according to what I believe is in your best interests.
KIM: Best interests my ass.
KRIS: That too.
KIM: You call that friggen wedding my best interest? I told you a hundred times that I did not want to go through with that scam.
KRIS: Lower your voice, the others are sleeping and you never know if Ryan Seacrest is bugging this place.
KIM: I told you to stop the circus before it got to the point of no return.
KRIS: There never was a point of no return. The minute I came up with the idea was when all systems were go.
KIM: Then you should have married Kris. I am sure our grandmother upstairs wouldn’t mind.
KRIS: How dare you. That grandmother happens to be your stepfather who took us all in after your father proved to be a douche bag, may he rest in peace.
KIM: What are you talking about? You were the one who had the affair.
KRIS: Oh, I see you have taken to reading finally.

Picks up her book And All Things Kardashian from the bookshelf filled with copies of And All Things Kardashian and holds it up to the camera.

KRIS: Look here, Mrs. Humphies. You are not officially divorced yet and already making the scene. How much more do you want to piss off your fans? And with Kanye West of all people.
KIM: He’s an absolute gentleman.
KRIS: Oh, he’s a real doll, all right. A croc-o-doll. Perhaps I should call Taylor Swift or Amber Rose?

KHLOE & KOURTNEY kome down the stairs.

KIM: Khloe? What are you doing here?
KHLOE: Did you actually think I would stay in Dallas? As soon as they finished filming, I hopped on the first plane back. But enough about me. Where were you last night big sister?
KOURTNEY: Where do you think? With Kanye. Did he caress your head again?
KIM: Oh Kourtney, you’re just jealous.
KRIS: You think I need Kourtney’s two cents? It is as plain as the nose on your face that you were up to no good last night.
KIM: (Grinning while looking in the mirror.) It is no one’s business where I go and what I do.
KOURTNEY, KHLOE & KRIS: Bullshit.
KOURTNEY: What do you mean you don’t need my two cents? You know, it is high time that you all began to respect me around here.

KIM, KRIS & KHLOE snicker.

KENDALL & KYLIE kome down the stairs.

KENDALL & KYLIE: What’s all the commotion down here?
KRIS: Merry Kristmas angels. Kome have some koffee.
KHLOE: Aren’t they a little young to start their day with koffee?
KENDALL & KYLIE: We want kappachinos, non-fat with two Splendas.
KOURTNEY: She is creating more monsters.
KIM: (SOTTO) We can not come off as jealous.
KOURTNEY: (SOTTO) If you think I am going to stand by while those two steal all our thunder, you have another thing coming.
KIM: (SOTTO) Not today. Not today.
KOURTNEY: I’ll get those for you girls. (Heads to kitchen.) Sit down and get komfy. Mommy Dearest was just about to start reading us a chapter from her new book as a way of kicking-off our Kristmas cheer.
KIM: Yeah, Ma, why don’t you read from that chapter where you and that…
KRIS: Let’s just all sit here together and not talk. OK? Let’s just be here together and be grateful for all that God has given me… I mean us.

They sit in silence. KOURTNEY returns with two leopard print mugs for the girls, sets them down and looks around. She begins to speak and gets shushed by Kris.

KHLOE, KIM, KOURTNEY, KYLIE & KENDALL: Awkward.

BRUCE JENNER comes walks down the stairs wearing a red Snuggie. They all look at each other and crack up.

“Happy Kristmas to all, and to all a good knight.”

The Kristmas Spirit

I Mean…What?!?