Brooke Mueller needs to move in with Aubrey O’Day somewhere in Vancouver.

Brooke Mueller going back to rehab is such non-news that it’s weird that she made it to the news today for going back to rehab…again…which is like her weekly adventure. After learning that Charlie Sheen gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000 for being an addict as well as his generous contribution to a charity, to prove that he is a nice addict, this addict must be in a tizzy because of how Sheen pisses away money that could rightfully go to her habit…OF BEING AN ADDICT.

THIS WAS POSTED DECEMBER 4, 2011

Brooke Mueller, who holds the illustrious title of Gross Baboon—albeit not Of The Year—was arrested for possession of copious amounts of cocaine in Aspen, where I guess the snow on the ground served as a trigger for her wanting to cop blow. Knowing her, she will blame Mother Nature for her drug relapse. Here’s the deal, Brooke needs to once and for all be put away for one solid year to rehab and those kids need to go to Charlie Sheen’s house with two full-time court appointed nannies that need to check in with Child Protective Services each week and keep a daily journal, which would be reviewed weekly.

Brooke is more or less hopeless. She threatened to take down Charlie Sheen with salacious gay rumors, which is why he threatened her with a knife two years ago Christmas morning a.k.a. the Non-Nativity Scene. She and her mom are plotters and nut bags and need to go far into the woodwork and ne’er be heard from again. Bye.

This was written April 18, 2011, the last time the stupid bitch got arrested.

Has no one been listening to me? Brooke Mueller is a skank, is using those sweet kids to hold Charlie Sheen hostage for more dough and is an all around Gross Baboon. Look, Brooke ran back to rehab, for fear of losing the kids, hence, more dough. I bet any money that her mother, another known piece of work, shuffled her off to Buffalo…er…Promises. This whole group make Aubrey O’Day seem compelling. Eek.

I Mean…What?!?

Courtney Stodden, 17, and Jill Kelley are real housewives. Really.

UPADTE FROM NOVEMBER 13: MORE PEOPLE JUMPING IN ON THE ILLICIT SEX CAREER MOVE BANDWAGON:

Today I wrote about the curious (perhaps even bi-curious) characters in the titillating Petraeus Affair. Though it really is not that titillating but rest assured a movie will be made of this and it will no way be as sexy as The Thomas Crown Affair, An Affair To Remember, Love Affair, The End of the Affair, etc. So help me, if they cast Tom Hanks as David Petraeus, I will lose it. Paula Broadwell could be cast by Diane Lane, since she wishes she were her, and Jill Kelley can be played by Kim Kardashian. Well if the illicit sex fits…

UPDATE FROM APRIL 8, 2012: TEEN ANGELS ARE NO ANGELS:

Boy how quickly the landscape changes when skanks rule the media roost. Creatures like Courtney Stodden usurp the limelight of a Rachel Uchitel while a Kim Kardashian replaces Kim Kardashian by merely sleeping with another black man, putting her back on the top of the heap. Heap as in pile of… I wrote this piece a couple of years ago and recently received an email about it by a woman, Reema Zaman, who made this video which speaks to the content titled, I Made A Sex Tape (below). Gotta love a gal for appreciating the art of skankhood.

ORIGINAL ILLICIT SEX TEXT: FEBRUARY 10, 2010

Monica Lewinsky was the tip of the iceberg. It is not an exaggeration when I say that all you must do is let your orifices (orifii) run free and a media career is in your future. We now have Elliot Spitzer‘s hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Ashley Dupre as the New York Post’s Carrie Bradshaw. Jamie Jungers, the hussy that spilled the beans on Tiger Woods and Loredana Jolie, who between them, have been paid to talk about their sex-capades with Tiger to anyone that has a camera…including a Flip Mino. The newest media superstar is Rachel Uchitel, the self-proclaimed socialite slash celebrity, who has just been offered a job at Extra-TV, to cover all the latest “hot spots”…not G-spots…hot spots. Not that there is much of a difference between the two, once she reports on them.

What ever happened to Rachel Uchitel?

The careers of these women were spawned from the act of illicit sex. Cases in point: Paris Hilton for her layered, moving performance in the sex tape, One Night In Paris and Kim Kardashian whose similar fare, Kim Kardashian Superstar  Featuring Hip-Hop Star Ray J, caused massive media frenzies and hence, careers. Then there are The Girls Next Door, Hugh Hefner‘s “pussy” cats, with their hit reality show on the E! Channel. And let’s not forget the Italian porn star, Ilona Staller, better known as la Cicciolina, who was voted into the Italian Parliament. She became even more famous for delivering her political speeches with one breast exposed and went on to marry world- renowned artist Jeff Koons. So she got a career and stature.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have Jenny Sanford, who by virtue of NOT having illicit sex, has become a megawatt media star because her husband did the nasty with someone else. Mark Sanford’s indiscretions rendered Jenny a major book deal and being honored on Barbara Walters’ Ten Most Intriguing People of 2009. We also have Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin, who had…well…maybe not illicit sex, but hypocritical pre-marital sex with Levi Johnston, who we can add to this list as well. As you know, Bristol Palin has become a Public Relations maven. Then there’s the Miss America platform where Vanessa Williams would have never made world headlines had she not done that nasty photo shoot. And Carrie Prejean, whose breast implants coupled with those videos of her diddling with her diddle, made her the spokes-model for straight sex, while stumping for Republicans on the campaign trail. We must include Jon and Kate Gosselin for the sheer fact that they had enough sex to birth a Brady Bunch of babies, and in turn, careers as media whores. Somehow Octomom, Nadia Suleman has to be included, even though she only had sex with a turkey baster.

As you can see, the list goes on and on. Who can forget Amy Fisher, whose attempted murder of Mary Jo Buttafuoco not only garnered her a long-standing media career, but also provided her ex-lover Joey Buttafuoco with a career as a major sleaze bag. And finally, the lovely Tila Tequila, who endless affairs with anyone that would breathe, keeps her going and going and going…like the Energy Bunny of Skankiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4nLd9QjJUI

I Mean…What?!?

Here’s Amanda Bynes in here better days.

AMANDA BYNES UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:

Yes, the train wreck, Amanda Bynes is moving to New York City.  No one is safe. Page Six is reporting that bit of scary news. Though New Yorkers have a reputation of being tough and no nonsense, we have not been confronted by the likes of Amanda Bynes. This bitch will run your ass over and monopolize every table in every Starbucks south of Central Park South. You think I’m kidding? She is hiding out in public here in New York. She can not go back home to Los Angeles because everyone is over her. So Amanda believes that this is her rightful place to reinvent herself. The wanna-be Lindsay Lohan is trying to…get this…get into the fashion industry. Like anyone wants to dress like her, stuffed into a bandage dress. Well, let’s face it, there is no accounting for taste these days, so why the hell not? Surely we will see her in the front row of many C-List fashion shows next season before she takes her rightful place at the helm of some bullshit brand. As I said earlier, no one is safe!

The Amanda Bynes Principle – September 29, 2012

The situation with Amanda Bynes is such old news. Lindsay Lohan she is not, but let me be clear. They both share similar bullshit syndromes and endless annoying behavioral patterns like Disney-instilled psychosis and I-Love-Myself Distortia. The truth is, they can both move to Kazakhstan and we will continue to live our lives in peace, harmony and joy. I have been commenting on Amanda Bynes and her desperate attempt to not be an chubby faced non getting work actress for years and now everyone has caught up to snuff. And when I say snuff, I predict that she may soon appear in a snuff film.

The Amanda Bynes Principle Marches On – April 9, 2012

Amanda Bynes proved me wrong. A couple of years ago there wasn’t anything she would not do to be noticed by the industry, or anyone for that matter. The expression Amanda Bynes couldn’t get arrested came to mind. Well, tadah. She did. For drunken driving. Perhpas now things will heat up for the star, who ran from jail posting $5,000 bail to meet with her publicist at the Polo Lounge or something like that to discuss her fate and be seen, naturally. Anyhoo, read below from a couple years back when she first starting doing stuff to get noticed.

The Amanda Bynes Principle – February 11, 2010

Amanda would have posed for Animal Crackers, had they asked.

Poor Amanda Bynes . She is so hell bent on shaking her goodie-two-shoes image that she is wildly going where no Mickey Mouse Club veteran has ever gone. Recently photographed for Maxim, the NASCAR version of Playboy, Miss Bynes, or…Mistress Bynes as I am sure she’d rather be called, exposed her kitten-with-a-whip side, along with her parts for all the world to see. As a result of her tomfoolery, which I call The Amanda Bynes Principle, is the act of bearing all in an effort to get better acting bits. “I want to show people who I am,” says Amanda. Mission Accomplished. “My parents were like, ‘Does this mean you’re gonna do sexy movies now?’ I said, ‘Well, if they’re done the right way, then maybe!’ I mean, I’m not gonna do porn, but if it’s a Leonardo DiCaprio movie or whatever…”

Today in the news…yikes…there is a story about Amanda’s tweets…not tits…tweets. Of course Amanda tweets…and it’s all about her sex life. “it’s amazing how good it feels when someone knows how to love your body! i am having withdrawals from a certain guy lol …so turns out i prefer chocolate over vanilla. interesting.” Her parents must be breching (vomit in Yiddish).

EVEN BEFORE THAT ON JANUARY 9, 2010, I WROTE THIS:

Show us your chi-chis and you will get a career.

Recently, January Jones was photographed in GQ flaunting her tits a la Maxim. As the magazine industry continues to spiral downward, GQ, whose readers I guess want to see boobs, has been featuring actresses with that come hither approach to photography a.k.a. Playboy. Maxim is the NASCAR version of Playboy, and the more attention the women get who grace the pages, the more little Hollywood starlets want to be featured there. Case in point, child actress Amanda Bynes, who took this Maxim moment to break out from her goody-two-shoes perception and show the world her parts. I call this Maxim phenomenon the Amanda Bynes Principle, which is the act of bearing all in an effort to prove that that she can do more than just look cute. She can show us how cute her tits are, as well. Naturally, Amanda is doing this in the hopes of getting better acting bits. “I want to show people who I am,” she said. “My parents were like, ‘Does this mean you’re gonna do sexy movies now?’ I said, ‘Well, if they’re done the right way, then maybe!’ I mean, I’m not gonna do porn, but if it’s a Leonardo DiCaprio movie or whatever…”

Not gonna do porn, huh? OK…mark my words…if she doesn’t get a Leonardo DiCaprio role soon, the Amanda Bynes sex tape is bound to hit the internet. You’ll see.

I Mean…What?!?

Ain’t no one grabbing at her blue dress today.

Monica Lewinsky is the real originator of Mistresses Anonymous. Her new tell-all book will take us through every inch of her life and vagina. Let’s face it, we all know the story, ten times over. Blue dress, cum stains, cigars, bla bla bla. She should write a 12-Step Help Book for women who don’t know how to decipher right from wrong. Dredging up her sordid past, on the eve of Hillary’s poosibel move to run for President in 2016 make her Gross Baboon of the Week.

A while back I wrote about the most genius thing ever, a new 12-Step Program called Mistresses Anonymous. It started around the time when Tiger Woods was skanking around and his alleged mistresses, Jamie Jungers began talking to TV chef Gordon Ramsay‘s former alleged mistress Sarah Symonds about working on a project together. The pair of wanna be thespians wanted to help other women get out of toxic relationships with other people’s husbands. At the time, Symonds told Page Six, “I run a group called Mistresses Anonymous. It’s the only support group for women who are in bad relationships with married men.” Can you imagine the plethora of secretaries and interns huddling together in order to find their self respect? Let’s face it, Monica Lewinsky is the reason that such a 12 Step Program exists. She paved the way for hussies everywhere.

MONICA: Hi, my name is Monica and I’m a recovering mistress-aholic.
GROUP OF HUSSIES: Hi Monica.

Symonds added, “Ideally what I’d like to do is a TV special with all of Tiger’s mistresses, where they could discuss the downside to being ‘the other woman,’ and whether he was good in bed.” It sure sounds like a show that Flavor Flav could host. All the bitches could live in one house, and Flavor Flav can try seduce each hussy into admitting what Tiger was like in the sack rather than succumb to kissing Flav. Breching (vomiting in Yiddish) applicable here. Let’s face it, Flav is gross, kinda like Loredana Jolie.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF MISTRESSES ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over unavailable men—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Powerful man would make us feel complete and could restore our checkbook.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the rich, older, married man…even if we had to give head.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the wife, that bitch, she doesn’t even give him head.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, to our girlfriends over Cosmopolitans the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have the wife removed from this Earth.
7. Humbly asked Him to give me a condo and a monthly allowance or I would tell the wife, rather than admit our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all past relationships of married men, and became willing to make amends to all the wives, now that we had great worldly possessions.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, or get our eyes scratched out.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of all the jewels and gifts and when we were wrong promptly sold them.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us, and the power to land another Sugar Daddy.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other mistresses, realizing what a bunch of hopeless fools they are.

Watch my In Bed With Sarah Symonds interview.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxV2vfLJZ3I

I Mean…What?!?

If Lindsay Lohan doesn’t cut the shit out, she will have the same end result of Joanie and Chachi’s Erin Moran.

DOUBLE UPDATE: RadarOnline reports that Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan, that total whatever, had to call the cops at 6:00AM in Long Island after partying all night at the farkakteh Dream Hotel for a Domestic Incident Report. Does it get more interesting than that? Move the hell on Lohan. You choose which one applies here. Now Lindsay Lohan is saying that Dina needs rehab? If that ain’t the pot calling the kettle orange.

Page Six meanwhile is reporting on the classy Erin Moran, the 57-year-old former child star and husband Steve Fleischmann, 45, had been living in a trailer with his elderly mother in Indiana, until they were booted out for excessive non-stop partying, exclusively revealed the National Enquirer. After weeks of bouncing from one hotel to another and blowing through nearly all of their money, the wayward couple had asked his mom if they could move back in with her, but she refused. So now we will get a blow by blow of Erin’s tragic, homelessness, along the lines of Lindsay Lohan non-stop coverage.

Let’s face it, there is way too much in common with these ladies past. And must we be accosted with daily Lindsay Lohan updates on all her hard partying ways? Someone in her posse told me that she continues to party every day, boozing and whatever else and frankly it’s enough. No one supported La Lohan more than me over the years but even I have my limit. Seeing Erin Moran, Joanie from Happy Days, though that don’t apply anymore, walking around homeless and haggard makes me think that it is just a matter of time when we see Lindsay Lohan schlepping around Hicksville in a lawn leaf bag, cigarette in hand wondering where it all went. Girl stop. Just stop.

This is Lohan right before all hell broke loose and it has been downhill since then.

Beauty does not last forever. Click image, watch the video.

I Mean…What?!?

Ladies…please. In this corner….

Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are not acting like American Idols. Who could care less about some beefed up yabba dabba doo charges of PR anger between these two song birds. Or is one song bird and the other Big Bird. According to The New York Daily News they are acting like American low-rent Hootchie Mammas.

The incredible success of The Voice, a format that engages the judges with the audience, has won the hearts and minds of the Star Search type audiences. As opposed to the ridiculous, frozen, nightmarish format of X Factor, where the interaction is so cookie cutter that you want to kill yourself by the time one of these meh singers goes through to Boot Camp. Britney Spears seems bored half the time. The only thing with a boot about X Factor that I can think of is to boot the whole damn show. It is boring and over produced and Simon Cowell’s cheeks are the only reason to watch the show.

As for the new American Idol judge panel, why they thought Nicki Minaj would add luster is beyond me and quite frankly, if one more singing contest show airs this season, I think we will all scream. Surely not vote.

I Mean…What?!?

The Mayans... indeed.

Happy New Year! I am still down in Tulum having Internet issues coupled with a hangover so all I can do is re-post this entry from two years ago about the Mayans and their nonsense about the end of the world. Just so happens that I am in spitting distance of the Mayan Ruins and am going to take this nonsensical conversation up with the Gods directly tomorrow, after I finish nursing this hangover. Meanwhile so much of this bit below still rings true.

From November 2009

Mayan Schmayan. I am beginning to feel like Chicken Little, the prophet of doom. Today, Gail Collins wrote an article in The New York Times on this same subject, which shows that the Mayan Calendar is nothing but a total buzz kill. Let’s clarify first that those Mayans never actually predicted anything. Their calendar just stops on December 23, 2012. Naturally, everyone interprets that as the end of time as we know it. Correction: it is the end of time as the Mayans knew it. And (B) Are there any Mayans left on Earth anyway? Who exactly are we listening to? Those who are extinct?

Speaking of extinct, the Republicans would sure like to see the world end in 2012. It is, after all, the only way they can be guaranteed that Obama will not get another term in the White House. The only viable candidate from that antiquated party is Sarah Palin. I don’t care how many books she sells, she will single-handedly put the final nail in the Republican Party coffin. With this in mind, why else is the movie 2012 topping this week’s box office? Because the Republicans have been flooding the theaters in the hopes of raising the scare quotient, a tactic to make people fear that Barack Obama will cause the end of the world. Have you heard the latest pearls of wisdom from Jon Voight, “Obama is bringing us to chaos and unrest…” Those Republicans are really down with the end of the world thing. It is their way of saying, “I told you so”.

Since starting I Mean…What?!? several months ago, I have warned, “The end of the world is nigh” on several occasions. None of the reasons having anything to do with the increase in hurricanes in North America, the the rising heat of European summers or the melting of the polar ice caps. All my theories can be traced back to the 8th Wonder of the Universe…the tabloid media. Clearly, the Mayans had the foresight to know that the tabloid media, that which just about every media outlet has become, would cause the world as we know it to end. Look at today’s top stories, rather the top stories for the past few weeks.

What is more frightful than this? Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin will create havoc that Obama couldn't even fathom.

Hailey Glassman stands for what is all wrong on Earth.

This Octo-freak (Octo-mom) is scarier than a tidal wave. And believe me, once that farkakteh reality show hits, the amount of press attention it will get will feel like a tidal wave hit us.

Tara Reid is posing for Playboy? Like (A) who cares and (B) Levi Johnston in Playgirl is looking like the better option and (C) they are both ridic.

I Mean…What?!?

Jill Zarin not getting comped? Oy.

Did you even wonder what happens to a Real Housewife once she is put out to pasture? Cancelled. Not asked back. Told they are no longer “IT” women. Since they were never “IT” girls, why should they have ever really been “IT” women in the first place? But seriously, where do they go? How do they refer to themselves postmortem? “I WAS real but no longer am?” When the glare of Andy Cohen‘s pearly whites dims and the real housewife is left to her own devices, standing on the edge of a red carpet event, what happens? How do they handle hearing the collective groan from the press when they see her trying to muscle her way in front of the step and repeat in a tattered dress? Oh, the pain of it all.

Today I noticed three press items about these cows that get put out to pasture, for lack of a better term:

1) Page Six: Jill Zarin is still seeking star treatment after leaving “Real Housewives.” Her aides asked restaurants to host her recent birthday dinner for free, requesting a “comp dinner for eight” in return for “press and tweets” about her visit. But there were no takers. Zarin dined Nov. 30 at Lavo with 11 friends, and hubby Bobby paid. Zarin’s assistant, Sarah Vitale, also asked p.r. firms for gifts. But Vitale told us Zarin had no idea: “They sent her stuff in the past, so I didn’t think it was a big deal.” Vitale added that she “reached out to restaurants who have offered to host dinners for Jill in the past . . . we went with Lavo because she’d never been there before.”

2) Wireimage: Alex McCord was photographed at Krapp’s Last Tape, a play out in Brooklyn at BAM, which is cultured for sure, but the title alone speaks volumes.

The pasture was BAM. She could do worse.

3) New York Daily News: Sonya Morgan is adding a new title to her resumé: caterer. A source close to The Real Housewives of New York City star tells us Morgan has come up with a name for her catering company that has been in the works for some time: “Sonja in the City.” We hear that Morgan, who discussed her work for a toaster-oven cookbook on the last season of the Bravo show, already has some gigs lined up in New York City.

In Sonya’s case she went back to what she was before, a housewife. A real real one.

I Mean…What?!?

Who cares what Manohla Dargis says?

Lately, my sister and I have been dumbstruck by the movie reviews written by Manhola Dargis. It’s The New York Times, damn it, and we want to at least think that her reviews mean something. Well, I am here to tell you that Manohla Dargis has proven time and time again that she is not to be listened to. Her recent love letter to Bill Condon for Twilight: Breaking Dawn was just about the final straw, until today when I read her unnecessarily bitchy review of My Week With Marilyn. Like fruit, movie reviewers ripen then spoil with time. And like horses need to need to be put out to pasture. After all, who is to say her opinion is ANY more valid then… let’s say… MINE!

The last time I felt this way about a movie reviewer was in 1999 when the New York Daily News reviewer at the time trashed Girl, Interrupted. They spewed such venom that I was compelled to write the writer questioning whythey had such a personal vendetta against the film. Come to find out that their sibling had been sent off to a looney bin at about the age of Winona Ryder‘s character and surely this was way too personal a film for the reviewer to review. It was absolutely a good film as is My Week With Marilyn. Manohla’s review makes me wonder what is up her butt in regards to Marilyn Monroe? Something has pissed her off and it must go deeper than the tits they gave Michelle Williams. “The costumes hug her tight, but wrongly round out her breasts, which should thrust like rockets ready for liftoff.” Excuse me for not noticing. But that can’t be it. Perhaps she is jealous of Michelle’s career trajectory, as is Katie Homes. Dargis throws Eddie Redmayne under the bus right off the bat for being “all smiles and little depth” as the lead character Colin Clark. Well, his character is a voyeur of his own life, which in this case was a once in a lifetime moment where he was catapulted from a gofer on a set with the world’s greatest actors to becoming the resident confident. Couple that with being the object of Marilyn’s desire, Clark was in awe AND frozen in his unusual circumstance. What did you want him to do… act like some brooding, self-indulgent, neurotic tortured soul? Have you ever been remotely near that dynamic? Or has your whole life been one of watching from the shadows and pontificating on things that float your own particular boat?

Manohla Dargis loved the movie Bad Teacher with Cameron Diaz. Need I say more? That has to be one of the worst movies of the year, yet, to Manohla, she compares Diaz to the bouncy, screw-ball comedy actresses of the Golden Age of Hollywood, which is not only sacrilege, but simply not true. Cameron wishes she had a tenth of their vim and verve. Actually most of our actress today wish they had the brilliance of the actresses of that time. So why even try to compare them? The bottom line is, don’t listen to Manohla Dargis. And for that matter, any reviewer. No one really said it better than Manohla Dargis herself in a Twitter feud with other “movie reviewer types”.  An Annne Thompson Tweeted “Film criticism is a dying art” and to that Ms. Dargis responded via Twitter, “Film criticism is a dying art? Did you write that with a straight face?” I would say definitely.

I Mean…What?!?

Talk about a royal wedding. Aisha Gaddafi and her beautiful bridesmaids look like they are in a third grade Christmas pageant.

Tea Party enthusiasts have stolen the gay anthem: We're Here, We're Queer, Get used To It!

Of course the Post Office is in big trouble, have you ever had a pleasant experience in one? Look at these people, it's like they are saying, "Oh, you wants stamps, do you?"

Sarah Palin has not been invited to tea by her demonic Tea Partiers. In a recent poll, 71% of Tea Baggers says she should NOT run for President. Ouch.

Now here's a nativity scene for you. The Sheen Family Robinson.

I Mean…What?!?