Anyway, let me take you away, like a Calgon bath, to a place where people really don’t matter. Where Jennifer Lopez would sooner be caught dead, and ne’er a Marchesa dress is worn. That is the New York party scene. Flocks of wanna-bes and never wases fill the cavernous nightclubs and retail events in an effort to catch the thrill and feel like a celebrity(ish), albeit a really sad version. Limelight and celebrity are two different things, but, you gotta love people for their vain, little attempts at fabulosity. Herewith are some folks that will never go to the Vanity Fair after party and clearly not the Governor’s Ball…well, maybe to the Governor Patterson Sayonara Soiree.

This group reads like the Who's Who of Who Cares.

Hold onto your LV bags, Jules Kirby (left) stars in the premiere of High Society this Wednesday after America's Next Top Model.

Tinsley Mortimer stretches her New York-ness to Hollywood for the E! Oscar viewing party. Think she got a little too overdressed? Yikes.

There's a new It-ish Girl in town, Sally Shan...wanna-be extraordinaire.

Here's who makes it to Guest of a Guest.

Guest of a Hoochi Mamma.

Linsday Lohan does Paris.

Oy, poor Lindsay Lohan. I was pleased that they were giving her a second chance at Emanuel Ungaro. That was reported a while back anyway. I just read in Women’s Wear Daily that Lindsay was nowhere to be found this morning at the fashion show. The dish I got from my sources was that Mounir Moufarrige, a known sycophant, wanted to be near Lindsay, and soak up some of that paparazzi glow, so he signed her as the Creative Director at Ungaro last year. Apparently, people who were intimately involved in some of those meetings and dinners were breching (vomiting in Yiddish) had how lechy he was. He has since resigned due to butting heads with the money man, Asim Abdullah. Can I say something here? Can we get some French people involved in this House of Ungaro…Emanuel must be turning in his grave.

RED CARPET CHIT CHAT: With Mary Alice

ABE: Let me start by saying overall, there was way too much dress on the red carpet. Yes, ruffles are in vogue and Vogue, but the volume was pumped up and in some cases way too high.
MAS: The big statement was strapless. I loved a lot of what went down the Red Carpet.
ABE: Yes, there were more hits than misses but too much ruffle borders on birthday cake.
MAS: My three favorites were Zoe Saldana in Givenchy Haute Couture, Carrie Mulligan in Prada and those Fred Leighton chandelier earrings, wow. And I loved Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel Haute Couture.
ABE: SPJ was sooo 60’s. I loved the hair…though I am hearing some kvetching out there from people who were not alive to know a good Elizabeth Taylor hairdo when they see one.
MAS: I loved Penelope Cruz, Demi Moore, Kristin Stewart, Miley Cirus, Charlize Theron, stunning. So was Cameron Diaz and Gabouray Sidibe.
ABE: Yes, Gabouray was really feeling mighty reel. Good for her. Naturally, Oprah had to run onstage and schnorr up some of that attention.
MAS: Oprah looked great in Carolina Herrera.
ABE: Oy vey, what was the deal with James Cameron’s wife. Yikes. She was screaming for a cape-let to cover the whole anorexic look. Double yikes.
MAS: I think Kate Winslet is beautiful but I didn’t love the Yves Saint Laurent choice. A little matronly.
ABE: I think it would have been amazing if that skirt was pair of pleated pants. Then it would have been uber-chic.
MAS: And I wasn’t convinced with the Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Dries van Noten choice.
ABE: I loved it.
MAS: I love that she is a risk taker, but I thought it would have been better for the Golden Globes.

TEXT CHAT: Texts between me, my sister Vivian and my assistants Johnna and Ryan.

RYAN: What is with Kathy Ireland’s hands?
JOHNNA: Did you see how weird Kathy Ireland looks…like a robot? And what’s with her hair?
ABE: It’s the hands. Ryan just texted and is hysterical.
ABE: James Cameron’s wife, yikes.
RYAN: I still can’t get over Kathy Ireland’s hands. It’s been the best part of the evening.
JOHNNA: Christopher Plummer has gin blossom.
ABE: Gin Edelweiss, you mean.
VIVIAN: Oy, is this the most boring Oscar show ever? The commercials are more interesting.
ABE: The Healthy Choice commercial with Julia Louise Dreyfus and Jane Lynch was funnier than Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.
RYAN: Ryan Reynolds is hot!
ABE: Agreed.
JOHNNA: Jeremy Renner is hot!
ABE: Agreed.
VIVIAN: I can’t believe they omitted Farah Fawcett from In Memoriam.
ABE: And Bea Arthur.
RYAN: Can’t stop thinking about Kathy Ireland’s hands.
ABE: This dance has got to stop. They directors and producers really screwed this up.
VIVIAN: So James Cameron lost Kathryn Bigelow and Best Movie. I’m going to sleep. This was the worst.
ABE: I am so glad Sandra Bullock won…and did NOT borrow any jewelry from Martin Katz.
VIVIAN: Who cares.
ABE: And to all a good night.

Everyone wants to know what Oscar will wear.

Remember when the Oscars meant something? Families would gather round their one television set, snacks piled high. It was the signature event of the movie industry, when actors still held a mystique because they were so inaccessible. Their lifestyles were imagined rather than paraded for the media, only few would speak out in support of injustices or charitable causes and we were kept at arms length from knowing too much what went on behind closed doors. Boy has that all changed. Now, we know so much about everyone that is nominated for each award, that by the time the Oscar telecast happens, no one cares about anyone involved. Nominating ten movies for Best Film is such a ploy to attract viewers, that is waters down the value of being nominated. Excuse me, District 9, A Serious Man and Up in the Air? Please mediocre at “Best”.

The fact is, celebrity publicists have done their jobs hawking their clients and we are inundated with facts and figures (Gabourey Sidibe) leaving us with a sense of TMI (too much information). Who doesn’t know about:

• How much hair Monique has on her legs.
• Which number wife James Cameron is sporting on his arm.
• What maneuvering Harvey Weinstein is up to behind the scenes, shifting his support from Nine to Inglourious Basterds. (Did he not see Nine to know that was a huge effort in futility? Inglourious Basterds should have been his pick from the start. My point is: Backroom dirty dealings should be just that, and not public fodder. It just makes Mr. Weinstein look really annoying.)
• What dress Sandra Bullock will wear and all that other high-stakes hi-jinks to get Armani Prive on bla bla.
• Which actress doesn’t own an evening handbag, hence being forced to borrow from Judith Leiber.
• What actress is borrowing Neil Lane, Harry Winston or Martin Katz’s estate jewelry.

Can we agree that it is all too much information? And (B) The borrowing of jewelry is so un-chic, (rather low rent-ish, more wanna-be New York socialite) that it compromises the mystique of the talent. Would Bette Davis ever admit to borrowing jewelry? Think again. It would be nice to know that Vera Farmiga has a safe with lovely jewels on her goat farm. And that Meryl Streep owns every dress she wears. But is that the truth? Probably not. Truth is, that Monique’s husband finds her hairy legs sexy, which is brech-worthy. (Brech = vomit in Yiddish.) Attention celebrity publicists: Cut it out. You need to research the Golden Age of Hollywood. It was then that the star machine created real superstars. The studio system worked to keep the riff-raff information tucked behind the gated properties of the celebrities. Not open the pearly gates of minutia.

Nan Kempner is turning is her grave if people like Devorah Rose are considered socialites.

It’s official. I have now heard everything, and this quote ranks as the dumbest tid-bit on Earth by none other than wanna-be socialite and desperado for attention-seeker, Devorah Rose (nee Trachtenberg). Devorah is one of the main characters on the soon-to-premiere new CW reality show, High Society, starring that other known social climber socialite, Tinsley Mortimer. When asked why she agreed to be a character on the show, Devorah, who had just learned of her step-father’s death actually said: “I needed to escape from the pain, and my way of coping was to do a reality show,” Rose said. “Most people would go into therapy. I was like, yeah, I’m at the lowest emotional point of my life. Why not have it on tape?” What’s so retardo about that soundbite is that Rose was also quoted as saying, “I grew up wanting to be a brain surgeon, a heavy-metal rocker and a novelist, but never a socialite.” In this week’s The New York Times Style section, Tinsley Mortimer is the subject of  A Night Out With. In the interview she reminisces about her spontaneous meeting with The Situation from Jersey Shore. “I’m like, ‘Oh my God, it’s The Situation,’ ” Ms. Mortimer said. “I was like a giddy schoolgirl. I was like, ‘Oh my God, can I get a picture?’ I was so happy.” Notice that the word like is in that one quote three times? Someone stick a fork in me…’cause I am like done.

Tinsley Mortimer (a.k.a. The Tinz) is the one on the right. The other total wanna-be socialite is Aubrey O'Day who needs to stay away from those spray tanning salons.

There’s yet another character nim-null on High Society named Jules Kirby that refused to attend the launch party for show, held at SL, due to the fact that she does not like the way she is portrayed in the show. “She’s particularly annoyed that she admits in the trailer to occasionally using the ‘N’ word, “ Page Six notes. Girl, the camera does not lie. Sure, creative editing and fake situations abound on all reality shows, but you are who you are. If you say something stupid, then you are only misrepresenting yourself. Jules is another “social-lite” that says stupid things. Catch this riveting kernel from an interview with that always searing Guest of a Guest on her boutique, JoliKa, that she opened in Belle-ile-en-Mer, France.

Jules Kirby also loves posing for Animla Crackers.

GOAG: What was your inspiration for opening JoliKa?
JULES: I love to shop. I love nature. It keeps me very busy, and out of trouble.

Jules was arrested and charged with petty larceny in Southampton for stealing an American flag on July 4th weekend as well as consuming an alcoholic beverage in public. Jules Kirby is our newest addition to the Last Five Minutes of Fame.

Nan Kempner, muse of Yves Saint Laurent, was a true socilaite. They don't make 'em like her anymore.

If you want to talk reality, the reality is that socialites are no longer socialites at all. They are referred to as “socials” now, which is true. They are social…as in that is all they are. Social pariahs to be exact. Nan Kempner, Muffie Potter and Nancy Kissinger would never have been caught dead in the situations that we now find our “socialites” in. Schnorring free products at gifting suites, posing for animal crackers (see above), appearing on reality television shows and while I am it, being seen (and photographed) at any party that will have you. It goes against the philosophy of real socialites, which is: “You should be in the newspaper only three times — when you’re born, when you marry and when you die”.

THE seX FILES...The Truth Is Out There.

I have been waiting for someone to break the story about the Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller sex scandal for weeks. My source told me all the salacious dish about their drug-induced, hyper-active sexcapades but asked me not to share it with my lovely readers. Well, now that RadarOnline has done so, I am happy to spill what I know. First of all, when the Christmas interlude between the two of them went down, there was something amiss about the whole incident. With twin babies nestled in their beds on Christmas eve, what could have possibly been going on downstairs that prompted Brooke to want to kick his ass and/or Charlie wanting to slit her throat? I Mean…What?!? What could possibly have been said to warrant such anger and hostility? Granted, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so we are left to our imaginations, and Lord know, mine works overtime. But you have to imagine that Mueller must have had something on him that could potentially ruin his career. In Hollywood, that is an acceptable motivation to kill. But what could it be?

RadarOnline eludes to multiple sex partners with bi-sexuality implications. Granted, who cares about who is sucking on whose whatever, but at the end of the day, it makes perfect sense that he would become so enraged had she threatened to go public with his dilly dalliances. No one would give a cahoot if she was dillying with someone’s dally. Clearly there has to be truth to this story, as we now have that woman trying to sell her story…but that could be a case of “he said, she said”. So there has to be proof. My source told me about a piece of evidence that will blow (operative word here) this story wide open. There is video showing explicit sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Aaaaahhh, now, it all begins to make perfect sense. If Brooke has this video of Charlie Sheen having sex with a man, that would have prompted him to go for her throat on that fateful Christmas morning. When this video comes out, it could potentially impact the success of Two and A Half Men, the number one CBS show. And Lord knows, Les Moonves wants to protect his tony property at all costs. The New York Times Style did a piece today about Charlie Sheen and how he will end up as a reference in Webster’s Dictionary for his vain attempt to check himself into rehab as a preventative measure. Charlie’s henchmen have coined the phrase prehab in an effort to diffuse the situation. Prehab my ass. Once this video comes out, he will go from Webster’s Dictionary to TMZ in one fell swoop.

Naomi Campbell is on the lam.

Is the world bored? Whoever is interested in how Naomi Campbell treats her staff, please raise your hand. And with your raised hand, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Why do I care whether Naomi Campbell whooped her limo driver or not?” And that the New York City police are looking for her is beyond me? Exactly how many cops have been assigned to this case? Or better yet, is this a job for Super-Cuomo? Now that Andrew Cuomo is investigating the alleged physical abuse case involving David Johnson, Governor Paterson’s crony, and Sherr-una Booker, why not add this to his case load? How long did it take for David Johnson to be sought out in regards to that whooping incident? Yet, it was within minutes of the Naomi drama that an APB went out for her and the media began reporting, “Naomi Campbell is on the lam!” Forgive me for being so forgiving, but I’d like to think that there are far more pressing matters at hand than chasing down a supermodel. The outpouring of venom against her is totally weird to me. Concentrate on your own problems kids…you’ve got plenty of them.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is vajazzled.

There’s new trend that is all the rage…well…maybe not the rage…but important enough for Jennifer Love Hewitt and some random blogger, Bryce Gruber, The Luxury Spot to do…are you ready? Bedazzle Your Boobs and Crystallize Your Cooch. Yes, we have evolved from the Brazilian to the Marilyn Monroe, ‘Cause Diamonds…Are A Girl’s Best Friend. Anyhoo, no, I am not making this up. It is called Vajazzling. It’s simple: you shave your nether region and then glue on Swarovski crystals in elegant shapes. Well, surely you don’t want to do something quirky down there like the head of Mickey Mouse. That would not attract the kind of visitors you want, and surely not for a second time. Think of vajazzling as an art installation on your privates. Invite gallerists and collectors. Serve wine. Surly, wine will have been served if someone is perusing your crystal formation, no?

But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Why not Swarovski-ize your breasts? You see where this is going. My only concern is that while doing “the deed” you might get a little crystal up your hoo-ha or bum. Or in the heat of passion, a little crystal could go up his member…and then…ouch. Remember when we were little and we tried to put rocks in our nose? This could go all sorts of wrong…fast.