“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

What do Mitt Romney and Donald Trump have in common? Correct. They are both Gross Baboons, for different reasons, yet gross nonetheless. This has been a busy week for The Orange Donald since his television show the Celebrity Apprentice crowned Arsenio Hall the biggest ass-kisser to The Truupmeister. The way Arsenio talked with a bow in his voice to Donald begging for the job was reminiscent of that old…well, I am not going to say it because I will get stoned…. and not in the kind of way that I like. But you get my point. If cow towing to… Read More »

Are you like me in that sometimes you don’t feel part of the action? No matter what you do for a living, who you know (celebrities, taste-makers), regardless of how fierce you were in your youth, and now with the face-paced, cluster-f#&k of social media, there is no keeping up with the Joneses. Surely not with the Kardashians. Imagine if you got paid for every time you had sex, washed your face or went to the gym. How did I not get onto that trajectory? Talk about missing the boat. Or in the case of the Kardashians, the yacht.… Read More »

This political season, the media is making mountains out of molehills. Case in point, the supposed momentum of Rick “I HATE SEX” Santorum. Momentum schmomentum… and I use the term schmo-mentum literally here. This guy is such a dufus, that he actually thinks he has a chance. All of a sudden he has that Orange Republican Glow (ORG) about him as shown above. Clearly when a Republican is having a good day, they run to get a spray tan and there is no one in their camp to tell them that they look ridiculous. Cases in point: see below. So,… Read More »

Not trying to outdo Barbara Walters, but surely after seeing her choices for Ten Most Fascinating People, I have been advised–and well-advised at that–to create my own annual Ten Most Fotz-inating People since Walters’ choices have been so banal… kinda like the people that grace the pages of I Mean What?!? … Read More »

You cannot believe who is on Baba Wawa’s list for 2011. Fascinating? I call them Fotz-inating. (Etymology of the word Fotz: It started out as a sarcastic reference to something that is or someone that “thinks” they are fascinating. So, it went from, “Oh, you’re fascinating” to “You are fotzinating” to “fotzy balloons” to “fotzy” to the currently, most used…”fotz”.)… Read More »

Throughout all this talk of the debt ceiling, the Republicans are now officially beginning to look like cartoon characters. The release of The Smurfs movie frames this debate in a very insightful way. Will these weirdly colored creatures survive their situations? Oh, I am talking about the orange folks in the Republican party, lead by John Boehner. He and Donald Trump are like the Tom & Jerry of orange blabbermouths. Nothing would be more genius than if John Boehner started crying over this process, caught on tape. The tension must be so thick in his chamber, that you can cut… Read More »

Yesterday, Madam Palin suffered from hoof in mouth disease. Today she feels liberated. “You don’t need to be in office to effect positive change,” Sarah Palin said. We know girl, that is why you quit being the Governor of Alaska. So you can positively effect your pocketbook. She went on to say, “Hopefully, I can inspire others to know that you don’t need a title.” Who is she kidding? She is a title-aholic. From Miss Wassila to Mayor of Podunk to Governor of the Tundra, to Wanna-Be Vice-President and to in any minute now, Presidential hopeful. Sure she wants her… Read More »

The tide has turned for Sarah Palin. I recently said, “I don’t care how often Sarah Palin appears on Fox News, nor how disdainfully she speaks of our President while giving kudos to Donald “Orange” Trump for being the Birther-in-Chief, the fact remains that the wind is out of her sail and I couldn’t be happier. Michele Bachmann has stolen her thunder and she must be freaking out.” Boy, what a difference a weekend makes. That One Nation Tour Bus is kicking Michele and every Republican hopeful in the pants. Imagine the ego bloat that those two reality stars, Sarah… Read More »

I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. We are living in a time of war, poverty, obesity, adultery, mediocrity, obsession with celebrity, and the Tea Party. It reminds me of that scene in The Ten Commandments when Moses comes down with the tablets only to find the “chosen people” have completely run amuck. Donald Trump is like that Edward G. Robinson character, hyping up the flock to pray to the golden calf, a.k.a. Kim Kardashian. Who have we become? Why are like sheep to the slaughter of our own best intentions? Eh, this is not for now, but I did… Read More »

Though there were a slew of fabulous dresses at Cannes this season, I hereby take credit for the fact that not one single star at Cannes wore a one shoulder dress in response to my commentary and coverage of the Costume Institute Gala. Well, correction. There were a couple of them but not worn by stars, so they don’t count—times two. Honestly, who cares about some ubiquitous Israeli socialite, or Miss Universe, for that matter. They both look like they are off to a Bar Mitzvah at Leonard’s of Great Neck. (You know I love that reference.) After what clearly… Read More »