Rachel Uchitel, shown here in her natural habitat.

We knew that Rachel Uchitel would not fade into the woodwork forever after taking the alleged millions of dollars from Tiger Woods in exchange for shutting her uber-collagen enhanced lips about their illicit sexual affair. The good news is, who needed her to tell us anything, my sources told me plenty. In particular, Tiger would demand sex AT LEAST three or four times a day, that she would have to drop what she was doing and run to his side…no questions asked. Clearly, the slogan “Tiger in his tank” has new meaning. Woodsy also preferred a different orifice each time, or else. That’s a lot of poontang…even for a hooker. She knew from the moment this tryst started that it would be her life-long meal ticket. Rachel also became so obsessed with her own notoriety and image in the media during that time, that she was impossible to be around. Ummm, I am sure she still is.

Rachel Uchitel has a real talent for handling snake-like objects.

Now Rachel is back in the media with a vengeance, signing on to do two reality shows. Who does she think she is…Bethenny Frankel? Anyhoo, La Skank is going to be on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew as well as The Celebrity Apprentice. The thing I take issue with is…SHE IN NOT A CELEBRITY. SHE IS A LOW-LIFE, EXTORTIONIST HOOKER! But, what do I know? According to the New York Post in regards to her upcoming appearance on Celebrity Rehab, “She will be treated for an addiction to pills, the network said without disclosing what type of pills”. Well, that’s a no-brainer. She is clearly addicted to birth control pills because she’s never been pregnant and has had more sex than perhaps anyone on Earth. As for The Celebrity Apprentice, I am not so sure that Donald Trump is going to include some kind of cheesy sex act into the show’s format in order to have her conceivably win one challenge. I mean…can she do anything else? Oh, right, she used to work the door at a tacky nightclub. Now that’s a real talent needed at the Trump Organization. And (B) what would her charity be, The Ashley Dupre Writing Camp, who takes wayward girls off to a farm to learn how to write a tell all?

Joselyn James has now, officially, bounced Lordana Jolie out of the top spot for Gross Baboon of the Year.

Do you ever stop to wonder how on Earth all these tacky, low-rent people have managed to claw their way into the media and take up so much of our time these days? Look no further than your mirror. What you will see there is one of the reasons that Gross Baboons have even entered the zeitgeist. It is because of you and me (or is it I) that there is even a need for the Annual Gross Baboon of the Year Award (to be held during the next awards season). We have glorified the lowest common denominator of humans. We forever photograph them and give them high-profile jobs after they have destroyed an upstanding, albeit slime-bag, of a person, cases in point: Tiger Woods and Elliot Spitzer.

We are all guilty of contributing to the demise of our newly globalized society. We revel in the salacious gossip, we even pay good money to promote these Gross Baboons, cases in point: Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin. I am dumb struck from the attention and publicity that we fawn all over the likes of hookers without a heart of gold, cases in point: Joslyn James and Ashley Dupre. Speaking of which, Miss James’ new film project, The Eleventh Hole, is sure to create a stir among the glitterati of skankiness, as it will reveal even more uninterested details of the trysts between James and Woods. Sure to be an awards season favorite, The Eleventh Hole will clearly be nominated as Best Film Featuring A Gross Baboon.

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Kristin Davis's campaign slogan will be "GOVERN THIS"

Now that David Patterson has officially backed out of the race, look who’s planning to take a stab as Governator for the State of New York? Remember the Elliot Spitzer, Client 9, Ashley Dupre saga? Yes, that old, tired story. Well, the madame in that trinella, Kristin Davis, no, not the Kristin Davis from Sex and the City, but the one pictured above is ready to take her stand. Davis was the only one in that case that went to the slammer for her dirty dealings. I am sure while Kristin stewed in prison, she hatched this riveting plan to get back at Spitzer…or The Man. Now a Libertarian, Davis is prepared to take on Andrew Cuomo, and anyone else that has balls as big as hers. Let’s face it, what illicit sex scandal doesn’t garner you a media career?!? (Please click on that link which proves my point.)

Ashley Dupre and Yigal Azruel pictured at Fashion Week.

Kristin must have been seething on Rikers Island when she read that Ashley Dupre was making the rounds at New York Fashion Week, and then became the Dear Abby of Love for the New York Post. What was she to do to come back fighting for her Last Five Minutes of Fame?!? Well, considering the amount of time she spends on injectibles and other implantings, she plans to use the same care and feeding to fix up the New York State economy. She has hired the veteran Republican lobbyist, Roger Stone, from Richard Nixon’s Committee to Re-elect the President fame, to do all her maneuvering. Stone refers to himself as “a GOP hitman” and has been referred to as, “The most dangerous person in America today…”.  Davis’ press release reads:

“Davis will announce her intention to petition her way onto the ballot and will outline her platform, which includes legalization, regulation and taxation of prostitution and marijuana to generate urgently needed new revenues for New York State and her support for gay marriage.”

Now far be it from me to be a buzz kill. Anyone whose agenda includes sex and drugs is alright by me. But please, leave us gay people out of your publicity scam. The truth is, Davis is petitioning for a new series of porn related production deals rather than seriously trying to calculate how to govern the State of New York. Perhaps Stone will engage the Tea Party…who we can call Tea Baggers here…to rally on her behalf. It makes perfect sense since she wants to overthrow a Democrat. And don’t think Sarah Palin won’t jump on this bandwagon, well, that is if Kristin would pay her $180,000 to speak at the Museum of Sex fundraiser planned for later this year.

Get ready to see these two publicity hounds all over the airwaves.

Rachel Uchitel, the newest media whore...I mean media person...

Monica Lewinsky was the tip of the iceberg. It is not an exaggeration when I say that all you must do is let your orifices (orifii) run free and a media career is in your future. We now have Elliot Spitzer’s hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Ashley Dupre as the New York Post’s Carrie Bradshaw. Jamie Jungers, the hussy that spilled the beans on Tiger Woods and Loredana Jolie, who between them, have been paid to talk about their sex-capades with Tiger to anyone that has a camera…including a Flip Mino. The newest media superstar is Rachel Uchitel, the self-proclaimed socialite slash celebrity, who has just been offered a job at Extra-TV, to cover all the latest “hot spots”…not G-spots…hot spots. Not that there is much of a difference between the two, once she reports on them.

The careers of these women were spawned from the act of illicit sex. Cases in point: Paris Hilton for her layered, moving performance in the sex tape, One Night In Paris and Kim Kardashian whose similar fare, Kim Kardashian Superstar  Featuring Hip-Hop Star Ray J, caused massive media frenzies and hence, careers. Then there are The Girls Next Door, Hugh Hefner’s “pussy” cats, with their hit reality show on the E! Channel. And let’s not forget the Italian porn star, Ilona Staller, better known as la Cicciolina, who was voted into the Italian Parliament. She became even more famous for delivering her political speeches with one breast exposed and went on to marry world- renowned artist Jeff Koons. So she got a career and stature.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have Jenny Sanford, who by virtue of NOT having illicit sex, has become a megawatt media star because her husband did the nasty with someone else. Mark Sanford’s indiscretions rendered Jenny a major book deal and being honored on Barbara Walters’ Ten Most Intriguing People of 2009. We also have Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin, who had…well…maybe not illicit sex, but hypocritical pre-marital sex with Levi Johnston, who we can add to this list as well. As you know, Bristol Palin has become a Public Relations maven. Then there’s the Miss America platform where Vanessa Williams would have never made world headlines had she not done that nasty photo shoot. And Carrie Prejean, whose breast implants coupled with those videos of her diddling with her diddle, made her the spokes-model for straight sex, while stumping for Republicans on the campaign trail. We must include Jon and Kate Gosselin for the sheer fact that they had enough sex to birth a Brady Bunch of babies, and in turn, careers as media whores. Somehow Octomom, Nadia Suleman has to be included, even though she only had sex with a turkey baster.

As you can see, the list goes on and on. Who can forget Amy Fisher, whose attempted murder of Mary Jo Buttafuoco not only garnered her a long-standing media career, but also provided her ex-lover Joey Buttafuoco with a career as a major sleaze bag. And finally, the lovely Tila Tequila, who endless affairs with anyone that would breathe, keeps her going and going and going…like the Energy Bunny of Skankiness.

"Ask the Hooker", a new column from the makers of Glenn Beck and the other scary "news" casters from Fox.

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The New York Post, a.k.a. the non-thinking man’s New York Times, has sunk to a new low. Granted, I read Page Six online daily, who doesn’t, but every other aspect of that rag is nothing I refer to for much. Now they have sunk yet to their lowest low. The Post just launched Ask Ashley, yes, that Ashley, as in Ashely Dupre, hooker extraordinaire, to be their resident love columnist (think the low to lower-middle class Carrie Bradshaw) for their fifty cent pooper scooper. Well, can you think of a better usage for The Post than that? Yes, now you can get all the sage advise on love, marriage and what a hooker needs to pack when visiting a trick across state lines. Ask Ashley will be the most informative new beat in town…as in beat my meat, anyway.

Rupert Murdoch has much to grin about yet, somehow, I bet even he questions his motives.

But, who is sad in this scenario? The idiots who actually write-in questions seeking her pearls of wisdom? Ashely Dupre for thinking what she has to say is worthy of an ask? Or Rupert Murdoch, for signing off on this? The idiots are surely leaning towards the saddest, because Ashley is getting paid, so she gets the last laugh. Though this is pretty sad for the Elliot Spitzer family, mostly Silda Wall Spitzer, really. As for Rupert, well since he is an old, tabloid whore…guilty of instigating the worldwide fascination with titillating gossip and celebrity hounding, he is not sad, just a smut peddler, masquerading as a media titan. His cultivation of sensationalist journalism in print and television (Glenn Beck and all those farkakteh right-wing cronies on Fox News) puts Murdoch in the “Anals of History”…I know it is annals…but I am trying to make a point here. Anyway, here’s a couple of examples of what I would imagine the answers would be from the pearl-meister herself…Miss Ashley (he liked to keep his socks on) Dupre.

How do I know if my daughter may be getting into trouble? — Meredith, 40, Queens

Dear Meredith, Check her knapsack while she’ sleeping for any form of paraphernalia like rolling paper or dildos. And if your little girl is carrying an Hermes Kelly bag, chances are she is already knee deep in hooking. Unless you live directly on the border of Queens and Long Island and gave her that bag for Hanukkah.

Are there telltale signs a man isn’t happy in his marriage? — J. Marshall, 37, East Village

My dear J, If your husband’s name is Peter Marshall, then yes. And he is quite a roll in the hay, I might add. You might consider going to a sex therapist so you two can try to rekindle that old black magic. And besides, I am getting really busy now and he is way too needy.

My boyfriend wants to know how many men I’ve slept with. Do I give an honest answer? –Anonymous, NYC

Dear Anony, Are you high? Of course not. If I fessed up for all the trade I schtupped, no one would ever wanna marry me. And the same goes for you. And (B) if you are even asking this question, this means you were a big ol’ whore. Just know we have weekly meetings at the St. Luke’s Church. Check it out, you are not alone…on the contrary.

1) Speaking of hookers, remember Ashley Dupre? Well, she is now officially a hooker with a heart of gold. She makes an incredibly good point about the bitches that are picking at Tiger Woods‘ carcass and I suggest you read in story. Click on photo or this link.

Ashley Dupree, here to set the record straight.

2) You know how obsessed I am with people’s cheeks. I could not resist this photo of Nicole Kidman fro the Nine premiere in London. Oy.

Free cheeks...agaiin.

3)  I am D-I-E-ing to see Kate Blanchett in Streetcar Named Desire. She is amazing and looks fierce at the opening. OBSESSED!

She is just beyond AND our best actress.

4) Katy Perry should be ashamed of herself, as well as her stylist. That someone got paid to get the this ill-fitting dress? Katie, darling, look in the mirror and use your own judgment. Fotz.

Katie...of all the dresses on Earth. This was the one?

5) We were talking about Kim Zolciak, yes, that Real Housewife from Atlanta about her upcoming personal appearance at a gay bar in New York City. The tittle of her hit song, Tardy for the Party is hysterical and Splash is sure to have a bunch of on-time queens lining up to see her. I bet she pulls a late show-up, just to give them Britney diva.

I bet she will be Tardy for Her Own Party.

6) The Huffington Post reported that Michele Salahi wore David Yurman Jewels to the White House Crash Fest. Now, aren’t you glad to know that? Maybe The Salahis will be rewarded for their illegal deed with a TV show and the title of Best Dressed at the White House State Dinner. Why not?

Michele Salahi wears David Yurman

Sarah to bare her soul and almost other body parts.

The other thing about non-interesting media whores who get to the top of the heap are those who write “memoirs” or “tell-alls”. There is a vast difference between an obscure writer, compelled to tell their life story, which strikes a chord and becomes a best-seller (Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love) versus Sarah Palin’s seven-million dollar book deal that will have as much depth as my shoe.

Do you really want to know about Streisand's sex life. Oy.

Or how about the upcoming Studio Head by Jon Peters (Barbra Streisand’s ex hairdresser turned producer) who plans to reveal dirty details about all his trysts and even several of Streisand’s trysts as well. Like I need to read about geriatric poontang? Feh.

That streaker was my hero...thin, nude and at the Oscars.

Anyhoo, there’s something extremely fulfilling about bearing your soul. I MEAN…WHAT?!? sort of does that for me as it frees up my inner kvetch, and I get to share with you, my unknown audience, how annoying certain things and people are. It’s like streaking. You have to have tremendous conviction to start, a willingness to throw aside your inhibitions and run like the wind, nude. I have the utmost repect for streakers. As a former fatty, I am way too self-conscious and even dread bathing suit weather. I would love nothing more that to zip through a Chanel fashion show in Paris with nothing on but a pair of quilted sneakers.

Ashley Dupre, girl gone really wild. When is her book coming out?

You want press? Try that Sarah Palin. There’s also a weird corrolation between streaking, writing a tell-all and bearing your breasts for the camera like those nutbags that expose themselves in Girls Gone Wild videos. Exactly when did that phenomenon take off? My guess is that these girls are reacting to having been raised by claustrophobic Boomer parents. They need to free up their breasts and in turn, their souls.