Brooke Mueller has the best hair of any druggie ever.

Not trying to outdo Barbara Walters, but surely after seeing her choices for Ten Most Fascinating People, I have been advised–and well-advised at that–to create my own annual Ten Most Fotz-inating People since Walters’ choices have been so banal… kinda like the people that grace the pages of I Mean What?!? Barbara Walters has become an unofficial correspondent to IMW since she made selections so beneath her acknowledgement that it is mind boggling. Herman Cain? Yikes. As we award Gross Baboons throughout the year, we decided to put the grossest of the Gross Baboons on the Ten Most Fotz-inating List just to tie in the horrendosity of these particular humans.

My Ten Most Fotz-inating People (in no particular order):

1. Brooke Mueller: Anyone that does gobs on cocaine while touting to the media what a great mother she is goes right on this list. One must fully admire her ability to keep her hair looking great though, because most drug addicts looks like crap. Does this mean she is a functioning drug addict? No. She just has a gay tucked away somewhere with a blow dryer.

2. Sara Leal: Naturally, her 15 Seconds of Fame are over, but the path of destruction that Sara left behind still looms large. Case in point: Demi Moore. Leal is the skank that slept with Ashton Kutcher hence destroying one of the best loved Cougar Romances of all time. Granted, Ashton is a bit of a douche too, but since Sara went directly to the media with her illicit affair, this makes her gross AND fotz-inating. Imagine the fear levels Leal suffers now from cougars everywhere. She should put herself in a cage.

Lady Bachmann featured alongside one of his graduates, Richard Simmons.

3. Marcus “Lady” Bachmann: Anyone who thinks they have the godly powers to make gay guys straight are well…certain straight women (a.k.a. Fag Hags). There even was an episode on Seinfeld where Elaine tries to do this…to no avail. How often have we heard “What a shame that he is gay. Bet you I can turn him.” Think again lady and Lady Bachmann, while I am at it. Imagine the audacity of hope to think you can get government subsidies to host anti-gay classes. I would kill to see the syllabus at Marcus Men. I also wonder if part of the de-gaying  process includes massage with release to get it out of your system once and for all.

Forty? Don't ask.

4. Courtney Stodden: Look anyone that is forty years old and passes–in the eyes of the media, surely not by me–themselves off as Sweet 16 gets close to the top of this list. This girl has managed to go where no woman has gone before her through regular injectibles. Courtney is, however, a great role model for the girls on MTV’s Sixteen and Pregnant because she lives by example that their is another way to live: Become a skank not just a stupid slut.

Arnold stole one of Clint Eastwood's best lines, "Go ahead, make my bed".

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Please, do I even need to elaborate? Besmirching a Kennedy is possibly the worst crime in the books. Arnold made it so that my cleaning lady Rosa looks at me cross eyed lately. Now I am hesitant to ask her to fold my laundry where my underwear resides. Hasta la vista, plenty.

6. Anyone Against Gay Marriage: All these politicians and Tea Baggers that claim marriage is exclusively between a man and a woman, clearly do not know Ellen and Portia. This is a civil rights issue. Period. To say that our laws should not evolve is saying that blacks should still have their own bathrooms and women should not be allowed to vote. As a nation that claims to lead the world, we need to keep up with the times not just the Joneses.

7. Charlie Sheen: Though he has been laying low… wisely, Sheen still has to be included in this year’s list because of the sheer mayhem he caused throughout the Tiger Blood phase. Granted now he is in the battle of his life to stuff Brooke back into an obscurity jar, which by the looks of it shows that he has his hands full.

Ya vol, Sarah.

8. Sarah Palin: Just because Sarah Palin IS stuffed back into an obscurity jar, does not keep her safe from the wrath of me. Her “cross-hair” comment around the time of the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords keeps a spot on this list safe and warm for the gun-happy, governor-quitting, reality star. Good news is that she was recently turned down for a new show focusing on her husband Todd’s snowmobiling obsession. Get this, she was partnering up with Survivor producer Mark Burnett, which shows me that he is desperate to do something else besides traipsing around remote islands with grimy nobodies. Now he can freeze is tuches off in Alaska with a couple of nobodies and see if HE can survive that.

9. Donald Trump: Sorry Baba Wawa, you cannot covet Donald Trump. I will just focus on his upgrade of the Miss USA Pageant from promoting pretty, wholesome girls to boobie-bearing, wanna-be Victoria’s Secret-ish call-girl looking things. Did those hairdos need updating? Yes. Did their pageant clothes need some refashioning? Yes. Did they need to do promotional images in only bras and panties? No.

10. The Congress & The Republican Presidential Nominees: Surely I am not alone when you consider the posturing and shenanigans of this clinking clanking clattering collection of collagenous junk.

In case you missed my commentary on Barbara Walters’ Ten Most Fascinating People from yesterday, click this link.

I Mean…What?!?

The happy couple.

Congratulations Michael Kors and his soon be be spouse, Lance LePere. Lord knows I wish all gays happily ever after my hope is that gay marriage statistics kicks straight marriage in the ass. This year, up to 50% of straight marriages will end in divorce. So gays? Listen up. Stay put.

Otherwise, this is my feeling of gay marriage now that it is official in New York. Look, if Iowa can get the gay marriage thing together, so, indeed, should every state in the union. And that includes Minnesota, where Michelle and Marcus Bachmann have proven that gay weddings do not have to be exclusively between two gay people. Anyhooo, I am not an opponent or a proponent of marriage, gay or otherwise. At the risk of sounding beyond jaded and grumpy, the Marriage Act, seems to be just that. Monogamy is a challenging notion that defies gravity: what is forbidden becomes obsession. Hey, I survived an eleven year relationship. Sure, there are those lovely exceptions; couples that are perfect for each other. I have seen that maybe twice. Other than that, one hears all too often:

“Relationships are tough, I feel trapped.”
“What an asshole.”
“Not tonight, I’m not in the mood.”

Notice the dagger and ax? Good luck with that.

I went to my first gay wedding in California in 1999. It was a gorgeous affair in Montecito (where Oprah now has a house) attended by the couple’s 100 “closest friends” in a grand, Spanish-style mansion built in the 1920′s. We all stood in a large circle on the sprawling grounds as the happy couple went around in the circle, “honoring” each and every one of us for sharing in this momentous occasion.  I attended my first gay divorce–yes, the aforementioned couple’s–six months later to the day. Same house, less lavish affair. Actually, turns out that one of the boys was a gold digger, and when he found out there was more smoke and mirrors than cash, off he went. I knew then that gay marriage was going to be a challenge like many straight marriages are. Except for those rare exceptions like Ellen and Portia or Elton and David. You’ve gotta love gay people for wanting to throw their hat in the wedding ring–as opposed to the towel–whatever the consequences. Sure the economy sucks, but standing up for freedom of choice will always rule. It  is what makes any country great. Ask the Swedes.

I Mean…What?!?

Notice the dagger and ax? Good luck.

It’s time for me to chime in on this gay marriage issue. Clearly I am not an opponent nor am I a proponent either. I’m from the school of “live and let live”, so if two gay people want to get married…by all means, make it legal in every state, you have my blessing. I think you’re nuts…but go right ahead. The notion of marriage has always seems a bit archaic to me, straight, gay or otherwise. Monogamy is a challenging notion that defies gravity: that which is forbidden becomes obsession. Yes, there are those lovely exceptions; couples that are perfect for each other…harmonious…the ideal couple. I’ve seen that maybe twice. Other than that, it’s “Relationships are tough, I feel trapped” or “What an asshole” and “Not tonight, I’m not in the mood” as a rule of thumb. I should know, I survived an eleven year relationship.

That's my kind of gay divorcee, all stylish and carefree.

I went to my first gay wedding in California in 1999. It was a gorgeous affair in Montecito (where Oprah now has a house)  attended by the couple’s 100 closest friends in a grand, Spanish-style mansion built in the 1920′s. We all stood in a large circle on the sprawling grounds as the couple went around in the circle, “honoring” each and every one of us for sharing in this momentous occasion.  I attended my first gay divorce, six months later to the day. Same house, less lavish affair. I knew then that gay marriage was a sham just like straight marriages, except for those rare exceptions like Ellen and Portia or Elton and David.

One of Iowa's main attractions.

Everyone is applauding Iowa So guess I will too. Any state that comes out of left field to attract gay visitors gets my props. “And on your right is the Old Homo-Stead, I mean Homestead, where many a fairy was strung up in the good old days before we had to mollycoddle you homos in an effort to survive the financial crisis.”

No queen I know approved this ensemble to meet the Queen?

Now out of Hollywood we hear grumblings from power gays (Velvet Mafia) that Obama doesn’t have enough gay people around him. I agree with the point made that “If more homosexuals were in the Obamas’ lives,” Max Mutchnick (creater of Will and Grace) said, “there is no way Michelle would have worn a twin set when she met the queen.”  You’ve gotta love gay people for wanting to throw their hat in the wedding ring (as opposed to the towel), whatever the consequences. Sure the economy sucks, but standing up for freedom of choice will always rule. It’s what makes any country great. Ask the Swedes. And while you’re at it, ask any Muslim woman in Afghanistan about that. Yikes.

I Mean…What?!?