Bruce Willis: For the man who has everything...except maybe a clue.

Here we go again….yet, another celebrity-turned-stink. This time, Bruce Willis is the man of the hour. Yup, because I know how much you have wanted to smell like Bruce Willis since his Moonlighting days. I personally wanted to smell like him when he was in Death Becomes Her, with Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn. Speaking of which, these gals would NEVER sign on to become a fragrance. Back to Bruce. The Bruce Willis Collection includes an eau de parfum, hair and body wash, deodorant spray and after shave balm. HAIR?!? Have they seen him in the past 20 years?

Now here's a guy whose namesake hair wash makes alot of sense. Fotz.

This guy needs to have a hair wash named after him like I am going to the moon. What’s in it? Nair? All this to say, more power to anyone who brands their ass…Lord knows, I would love to have a line of something, NOT schmattas, the playing field is too crowded. Who knows, if this I Mean…What?!? thing goes over, you could be driving in an IMW…but I digress. To refresh your memory, this season Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and Anonio Banderas have launched a signature schtoonk. That is on the heels of 50 Cent, Rihanna, Mariah’s 3rd, Paris Hilton’s 6th, Britney’s 4th. Frankly, I would love to know how they are selling. We see the launch, the hype, the ads, the red carpet photos and then nothing. I wish Women’s Wear Daily would do their due diligence and update us will sales reports. Chop-chop.

Be sure to read Smell Like a Movie Star…Stink Like a Bee or The Sweet Smell of Celebrity or Beyonce Wears JWoww For Heat.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhOpTgAkWSw

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New of Sarah Palin's breasts traveled faster than the whereabouts of Joran Van Der Sloot (he is that murderer for those of you who are stuck in between Sarah's boobs).

The news of Sarah Palin’s seemingly larger breasts almost overtook the BP Oil Spill as the most talked about item of the week. Once again, it shows how deep the American conscience runs. Dead birds…awww…can’t deal. Big, shiny new breasts…let’s discuss and re-Tweet. We must stop trying to act like the leaders of the free world when all we can think about are tits and ass. Our obsession with body parts has tainted our ability to see the forest from the trees. Or the war and the peace, frankly. To my point:

1. Every men’s magazine has actresses in skanky positions, (if not nude, hello Jennifer Aniston).
2. Vanity Fair had bikini clad soccer players on their cover last month, and a vintage picture of Liz Taylor (yes looking stunning) in a swimsuit this month, but it is somewhere close to acceptable Maxim, really.
3. We spent more time on Heidi Montag’s redux than on the financial crisis.
4. We pay greater attention to the details of Victoria’s Secret models than knowing who our Congressmen are.
5. We make celebrities out of participants of ill-gotten sex tapes (Paris Hilton and Danielle Staub, brech) and obsessive texters (Tiger Woods‘ entire posse of skanks).

I am not crazy…this is what we are all about. Heck, even our politicians and priests are preoccupied with body parts. We have to call a spade a spade and realize that we are lost little lambs looking to cling onto our mother’s breast and in this case they are Sarah Palin’s. Whether she actually had breast augmentation is less the story than the fact that we made the possibility of her new breasts the big story of the week. If you are her supporter/follower, then get your mind out of the gutter and talk about her policies (?) and the Gulf. If you are from my camp and want her to fade into the sunset before 2012, then shut the hell up about her tits. (After this piece I will never  mention her again…ish.) In doing my research on Sarah Palin’s breast, I pulled out this vintage Palin video and my take away is that has the same breasts as her days of modeling and pageantry. She may very well have just been photographed at the Belmont Stakes wearing a bra that does not hold her in. Most of the other images available of Sarah has her wearing cheap suits, so it is hard to tell. And (B) the fact that she would do something that stupid is mind boggling…even to me.  Hence, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. So, let me know what you think once and for all and then we can drop this subject for fear of being ruled by The Vatican….those righteous hypocrites.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnT9W0ONycc

Or is it...Float like a butterfly, stink like an actor...whatever.

Not too long ago, I reported on the new fragrance, Lolavie by Jennifer Aniston, The Sweet Smell of Celebrity. Though she surely is not the first, and clearly not the last movie star to multi-task while branding, this disturbing trend has taken another bow with a celebrity men’s fragrance, called The Secret by Antonio Banderas. Gee, I thought The Secret was a spiritual quest for garnering wealth. Perhaps it still is…but in case…just for Antonio…as opposed to the betterment of mankind. Seems like the new scoop is, in order to be famous, you have to be brand-able. Well, I said famous, not amazing. You won’t see Meryl Streep for Kohl’s anytime soon. Or in the case of her daughters Mamie or Gracie, you won’t see Gracie Gummer for Candie’s…I hope. Sure, fame gets you endorsements…every Golden Age of Hollywood star was whored out by the studio. But there are really no more studios, so these choices are made by business managers and agents. Endorsements is a valid business…but one just has to be prepared for the jokes.

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Jennifer Aniston...aaah...the smell of it.

You know you have hit the big top when a fragrance bears your name, or your pet’s name, or your favorite childhood memory’s name of some such nonsense. You all know my aversion to celebrity fashion designers. Now I am officially adding celebrity schtoonk-meisters to the list of things that make me say fotz or “ewww”. Let me start by mentioning my favorite exception to this parade, none other than Dame Elizabeth Taylor. When Elizabeth created White Diamonds, she was pretty much out of the movie business, still  gorgeous and well…friggen Liz Taylor. Don’t even try to put Sarah Jessica Parker or 50 Cent in her league, ’cause I will come there, find you and pussy whip you with a feather. The thing is, I know several amazing “noses”, as they are called. Noses are the people who have honed the craft of designing fragrances. It is an art form. So when a celebrity comes barging into this category, they cheapen the act. Perhaps getting your stink on is a sure sign that your movie days are winding down.

Surely that might be the case with our newest celebrity stinker to enter the fray with LOLAVIE by Jennifer Aniston, which she describes as “a non-perfume perfume.” Exactly what is a non-perfume perfume? Air? Water? A waste of space? Nonsense? I vote for the two latter descriptions. Let’s start with the name…LOLAVIE. Ms. Aniston refused to say what it means besides, “It’s a long story and honestly it’s too personal to tell”. Jennifer added, “But it has special significance.” Us Weekly suggests Lolavie means “laughing at life”, which can also be interpreted as “laughing all the way to the bank”. Since Jennifer is a comedian, maybe it’s an inside joke. But the joke is on whoever buys into this campaign, or any other celebrity fragrance for that matter. I get wanting to look like your favorite star, but the whole smell like thing is just odd. But let me not only ostracize Jennifer Aniston here.

While researching this bit, I was shocked and amazed as to all the celebrities whose egos have gotten in the way of their better judgment and jumped into the celebrity fragrance pool. The list is way too long to include here, but feel free to click on this link. For now I am just going to highlight the ones that boggled my mind:

Leona Lewis: For that one hit wonder smell? Help me here.

50 Cent: Say what you want, but I’d prefer to smell like a lot more money than that.

Kiss: Smell like clown white, mascara and sweat? Feh.

Raven Symone: That’s So Smelly.

Danielle Steel: For that new book smell? For that fictitious character scent? Huh?

Joan Rivers: A new fragrance that you inject, lasts for several months.

Sveltlana Stalin: The Fresh Scent of Freedom.

Carmen Electra: Well, I won’t even go there…but you know where I was headed.

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Awww, Snooki gets her some.

After that final episode of Jersey Shore, watching Snooki dance alone on the boardwalk, having been rejected by that “white guy”, then snooking up to The Situation in the hot tub and totally losing all self-respect, who wouldn’t want to see the Snooks get her day in the sun with a man that is all about her? Well, I am happy to report that she has met a guy, no less a Guido, Emilio Antonio and that she is happy as a pig in shit…or something like that. “He is freaking banging. We’re the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that,” says Snookerdoodle. Do you think they are hotter than this couple?

Who is hotter, the Snookis or Brangelina? Ummmm....

Oh, and by the way, had the stupid British tabloid News of the World been reading I MEAN…WHAT?!? they would have known that there was no truth to the rumor about the split between these two stunning Hollywood heavyweights. Hence they would not be getting embroiled in a law suit with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. And if anyone thinks that Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are an item…well…you are sad. That is a PR scam like I am sitting here.

These two are as together as oil and water.

So Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston went to dinner. That is riveting headline news, no? Could it be because they are at the same agency or true love? I shall stay up nights wondering.

This Real (?) New Jersey Housewife is being threatened by her ex-"thing" regarding the release of a sex tape. Please, I am vomiting. At least with the Leighton Meester video, she's young and stunning. The images of this hag would be up there with the images from Dov Charney's news photo spread for American Apparel (see below).

Dov Charney is incredibly annoying and this photo shoot of ugly nerds is so "quirky"', that I think I shall gag. If ever there was a reason not to buy American Apparel, it is when these meeyes-kites (ugly people in Yiddish) become their spokes models.

Let me get this straight, Olive Garden pulled their ads from Letterman due to that Palin Family Feud? How's this for a reality check, who has ever eaten at an Olive Garden? I never have and wonder how they even exist in New York City. It's like embarrassing to be seen entering or leaving that suburban, mall-fest, all-you-can-eat animal trough. Please O.G., take your pasta specials and shove them up....

Catch this: Reader's Digest refuses to admit that they are shifting their content and tone in a more conservative direction. Wait, are you telling me that this has not always been the case with this mini-rag? When I see a Reader's Digest at the check out counter, I naturally just bow down, do a few Hail Mary's then flog the nearest homosexual.

This loud noodnik has the balls to say that "people just want Obama to go away". Hey Jim Cramer, you have that completely wrong. It is YOU that needs to go away forever, but not before we give you The World's Most Annoying Human Being on Earth Award.

Believe it or not, this image was featured as part of a Washington Best Dressed story on the Huffington Post. How's this for the answer...NEITHER. Valerie Jarret and Desiree Rogers should just stick to their day jobs and leave the fashions to Michelle Obama and Jill Biden, who by the way, (Jill) get's my vote.

These two just crossed each other out. Jill wins. yes, Michelle has fierce moments, but several misses.

Kiddies, I love Michelle plenty...but let's face facts. Jill wins.

So, out of the blue, Monica Lewinsky is in the news. Hmmm, could she be planning a return to the States? Duh.

Lauren Conrad actually went on record giving advise under the title, Seven Lessons in Life by Lauren Conrad. Well, Deepak Chopra, time to pack your bags, as now, your Seven Spiritual Laws of Success have now lost their relevance...like totally.

Gross! Jon Gosselin, from annoying Jon and Kate fame (I mean...what?!?), is looking for a place to live in New York City. Well, at least someone will frequent the Olive Garden now. As for me...I am loading up my truck and moving to Beverly...Hills that is...swimming pools, real movie stars.

Which is your favorite non news item?

Jennifer is the new Goldie Hawn...in style for sure.

What do these three have in common you ask? Well, not much, besides the fact that they are in this weekend’s news. And when I say in the news, I say that with maximum sarcasm. Jennifer Aniston was honored by some Women in Film Crystal Award or some such nonsense, because her films are so deep and meaningful. At least the redeeming quality of Jennifer is that she can finally poke fun at herself about the joke that is her love life. In her acceptance speech earlier this week, she said, “I have a strange parallel with movies I was doing and my life off screen. First, it was The Good Girl…which evolved into Rumor Has It, followed by Derailed,” she said, perhaps making a quip about her marriage with Brad Pitt, who left her for Angelina Jolie. “Then there was The Breakup,” she continued…”If anyone has a movie called Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Man, that would be great!” Aniston joked. “I’m at table six, and my agents are at table 12.” High time you got in on that joke, girl.

Usher and Tamkea...I mean...what?!?

Usher is getting divorced. Excuse me, but I knew this before they got married. Why is this news? This romance or rather bromance…look at her, drag queen plenty…never had a chance. They had drama leading up to the uneventful marriage off the bat. He got her preggers (oy), she began acting like a witch, he tried breaking it off, then she got him in a full nelson, and scared the beJesus out of him and into marrying her. Well, in 2007, I knew then that this would not last. I am surprised they even managed to spit out another child. If I were him, I’d want to see a blood test taken to prove that it’s his kid. Yes, I said that, whatever, arrest me. These two had a chance of having a long lasting marriage, as I have going to the moon. Period.

This bag lady, Ruth Madoff, is the big story in The New York Times Style section. I mean...what?!?

Ruth Madoff is the lead story in The New York Times Style Section. A few weeks ago I bashed the Times Style for doing stories that spoke nothing of style. I guess that fell on deaf ear, because falling out of style is by no means a style story. The Times is really sad. This week they did a piece on round glasses, and of all the images for reference they used, the obvious omission was a picture of the Grande Dame of The New York Times, Carrie Donovan. She was STYLE. Under her tutelage, the fashion section of the times was powerful and meaningful. Back to Ruth, the ganiff (thief in Yiddish). Duh…she is not welcome in stylish places like Pierre Michel hair salon, or the Amagansett florist, Flowers by Beth (who clearly is desperate for press here) or the Bella Blu eatery on the tony Upper East Side. Why is this the lead story again? Ruth being unwelcome in all her past circles is not only old news, but even a toddler could figure that out. I give up.

Do you agree about the Time Style Section?