Rachel Uchitel, shown here in her natural habitat.

We knew that Rachel Uchitel would not fade into the woodwork forever after taking the alleged millions of dollars from Tiger Woods in exchange for shutting her uber-collagen enhanced lips about their illicit sexual affair. The good news is, who needed her to tell us anything, my sources told me plenty. In particular, Tiger would demand sex AT LEAST three or four times a day, that she would have to drop what she was doing and run to his side…no questions asked. Clearly, the slogan “Tiger in his tank” has new meaning. Woodsy also preferred a different orifice each time, or else. That’s a lot of poontang…even for a hooker. She knew from the moment this tryst started that it would be her life-long meal ticket. Rachel also became so obsessed with her own notoriety and image in the media during that time, that she was impossible to be around. Ummm, I am sure she still is.

Rachel Uchitel has a real talent for handling snake-like objects.

Now Rachel is back in the media with a vengeance, signing on to do two reality shows. Who does she think she is…Bethenny Frankel? Anyhoo, La Skank is going to be on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew as well as The Celebrity Apprentice. The thing I take issue with is…SHE IN NOT A CELEBRITY. SHE IS A LOW-LIFE, EXTORTIONIST HOOKER! But, what do I know? According to the New York Post in regards to her upcoming appearance on Celebrity Rehab, “She will be treated for an addiction to pills, the network said without disclosing what type of pills”. Well, that’s a no-brainer. She is clearly addicted to birth control pills because she’s never been pregnant and has had more sex than perhaps anyone on Earth. As for The Celebrity Apprentice, I am not so sure that Donald Trump is going to include some kind of cheesy sex act into the show’s format in order to have her conceivably win one challenge. I mean…can she do anything else? Oh, right, she used to work the door at a tacky nightclub. Now that’s a real talent needed at the Trump Organization. And (B) what would her charity be, The Ashley Dupre Writing Camp, who takes wayward girls off to a farm to learn how to write a tell all?

Forgivenall...when you need to shake off the glommy.

After what was surely the greatest media story on Earth, second to the death of Michael Jackson, The Tiger Woods Affair…rather….affairs, took an unexpected turn when Elin, the long suffering golf club aficionado, reunited with her overly poontanged husband, Tiger. In the midst of that media flurry, when the public was introduced to 13 of the skankiest bitches on the planet, Elin hired an attorney and the prospect of 350 million dollars was surly the best reason to leave her philandering, sex addict of a husband for Sweden’s lake shores. But, the holidays came and went and Elin must have had a change of heart. Why else would she be willing to schlep to Mississippi, land of the non-sex addicts, I guess, to work through the addiction issues with her Tiger. She can never not think about the Gross Baboon of the Year, Loredana Jolie (no relation to Angelina), every time Tiger tries touching her. Lord knows, I am even cringing from the thought of Tiger’s you-know-what after I heard from my source about all the various orifii that Rachel Uchitel, the celebrity / socialite (tee hee) had to submit too while on some lush holiday with the world’s best athlete? And (B) How did a golfer get that title?