Jil Sander was always the epitome of cool, chic, sophisticated, clean lines, muted palette. Perhaps that was when Jil Sander was actually Jil Sander. That story has turned upside down. The German-born designer, Sander, is now designing for Japan-based Uniqlo and Belgian-born Raf Simmons is at the helm of the Milan-based headquarters of Jil Sander, who sold out to Muccia Prada, which ultimately pissed off Jil Sander, causing her to split, hence her current deal with Uniqlo. The saving grace for Jil Sander in this scenario, as opposed to what happened to Halston when he sold the rights to his name, is that Halston’s life dwindled into obscurity, whereas Ms. Sander’s innovative collaboration with Uniqlo keeps her beyond relevant on the global fashion landscape. Let’s just hope that Sarah Jessica Parker will not take over the reigns at Jil Sander after Raf Simmons’ inevitable departure.

All this to say…Raf turned out a spring collection that must have been inspired by Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. In sparing you my  commentary on each look, below there are a few key points that applies to the whole lot.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODXzBV-ejY0

1. Color is great in theory, on a runway, on pimps.
2. Blazers paired with micro-mini shorts on men is Manzie, but on women is interesting.
3. Hot pants on men are not hot.
4. Layering blazers with shorts looks insane…not on trend.
5. Say what you want about board shorts, but scrawny legs will never be sexy.

Merle Ginsberg and I completely disagree about the Sarah Jessica Parker moment. And that's what makes for good dialogue.

Merle Ginsberg (Editor-in-Cheif, fashionrules.com) and I continue our cross continental SKYPE dialogue and compare notes on the CFDA Awards.

MERLE: Shall we start with worst dressed?
ABE: Is there a better place to start? How about the Olsen Twins?
MERLE: Dumpster chic.
ABE: I saw this fantastic video look book that The Row did on style.com, it featured nothing like those schmattas. They are such fashion icons….why I don’t know…but they are and they never get the red carpet down.

We surely agree about the Olsen twins.

MERLE: They are too young and too thin, to hide under all this fabric at a black tie. I also didn’t like Paz de la Huerta’s skin tight white dress by Yigal Azruel.
ABE: I didn’t even notice it.
MERLE: It had a black racing stripe down the back promoting her ass. Leave that act to JLO, I say.
ABE: Tamara Mellon looked ridic. And I did not like her shoes either. They looked like Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol angle thing. What happened to good taste?
MERLE: Maggie Grace and Molly Sims, that’s what. Come on. Molly’s dress was way to short.
ABE: Some people have issues with aging. I understand completely.
MERLE: Yes, but you would not wear a dress that short.
ABE: True.
MERLE: And neither should she. That Diane von Furstenberg dress was perfect for the MTV Movie Awards. All I can say is that she looked Hackensack when it was a night for New York. This dress isn’t even Hollywood.
ABE: Tell me how you really feel.

Merle was not feeling Jessica Biel's choice...at all.

MERLE: And while I am at it, I really didn’t like that Diane von Furstenberg number that Jessica Biel wore. She went from Best Dressed at the MTV Movie Awards to Worst Dressed at the CFDA Awards.
ABE: Liya Kebebe’s ill-fitting Proenza Schouler was a pretty patheic choice. Those guys have their finger on the pulse of this industry and Liya is one of the few models that have made it to a first name stature like the days of Linda, Naomi and Christy. She looked like she slept on someone’s couch after a night of partying.
MERLE: Now there’s a visual we’re all shared.
ABE: Yes, but I was not making a grand entrance on a red carpet. I would be making an entrance into to a Korean deli to buy hangover medicine and orange juice.
MERLE: Touche. What did you think about Sarah Jessica Parker.
ABE: Yikes.
MERLE: I loved it. That print is gorgeous, it’s a tough dress to wear – I mean, it’s a whole lotta dress – but she carries it off perfectly, doesn’t let it overwhelm her, and stands out in the crowd. Would Carrie Bradshaw wear it? Probably.
ABE: After that Sex and the City 2 debacle, who cares what she wears anymore. She is the head of Halston Heritage…well…get that heritage on your back. That was what she needed to wear. And a tall British model needed to wear the Alexander McQueen dress.
MERLE: Hey, that’ what makes us Apples and Oranges. We agree to disagree. So who was your favorite? Mine was Gwyneth Paltrow in that sexy Michael Kors dress.
ABE: Eh, I thought it made her look too thick. My favorite was Tonne Goodman. Now that woman is fierce.

Tonne Goodman showed all the celebrities was good taste is.

I get it, Kim Hastreiter is the Eugenia Sheppard Award winner, but all you needed to do was replace this gold "thing" (for lack of a better term) with the black equivalent. And is the jewelry from 14th Street Gold-Watches-Chains?

Yes, this dress is beautiful, but it feels way too overdressed....and long. I get the emotional choice from Sarah Jones to honor Alexander McQueen, but really, this needed to be on a runway model. I think Sarah Jessica Parker should resign as the fashion Kewpie doll.

The Olsen Twins showed up in The Row. Now, call me crazy, but these outfits look like Eileen Fisher before she revamped the collection (which is really not saying much, I know.)

Girl, clearly you have a gay. And clearly he did not tell you that this was not the outfit for you. Tamara Mellon wore a non-age appropriate mini-costume. To quote Merle Ginsberg, "there's a difference between outrage and costume. Exposure and disguise."

Fabiola Beracasa, you really have to stop with the flying peices. You did this last year too. Threeasfour is a cool concept...but not a great reality.

See what I mean.It is clearly reminicent....only worse-ish.

Rachel darling...do as you say, not as you do. This is not flattering for the red carpet. You should have known better. It makes you look shorter and wider.

Of all the dresses in New York City, Liya Kebebe made the wrong choice. And these two gays were not gonna say boo, 'cause they wanted her to wear it. It's not horrible...but somewhat ill fitting at the chest. And for Liya, who is so glamorous...that is unacceptable.

Dakota Fanning should have worn this Marchesa to the MTV Movie Awards.

It's not like Thom Browne has nice knees. And that tie looks like Hitler's mustache.

Considering how difficult it is to get featured on style.com Nicole Phelps chose a one-shoulder (so over this look already...yikes) Zero + Maria Cornejo, which made zero sense. Fotz.

I could really go on…but will end here. I would also like to point out my choice for the Best Dressed of the evening. It was a tie, actually.

Tonne Goodman looked chic, chic chic.

Lara Stone wore this clean, simple, stunning Calvin Klein number. Hats off to Francisco Costa for making Calvin Klein beyond relevant, again.

Will the real Sex and the City cast please step forward.

Box Office Mojo reports, “It was Princesses over Persia among new releases, but the Middle Eastern desert romps generated such little heat that a relatively low-grossing Shrek movie topped them in its second weekend.” Ouch. Look, both Princess of Persia (as I like to call it) and Sex and the City Par Deux seemed so uninteresting, that no kidding they didn’t live up to the expectations of the Hollywood suites.  My friend Annie likes to say, ”Who wants to see a bunch of middle aged woman acting like they are still in their thirties, drinking and talking about sex.” Though The First Wives Club was a smashing success, it is hard to predict what will make audiences respond. I think it is a shame that the studio, Michael Patrick King and Sarah Jessica Parker (as producer) could not get a handle on what is clearly a horrendous script and all around tacky fare. And as much of a Liza Minelli fan that I am, the thought of using her in such a faggity way is just a testament to why this whole group needs to be put to rest once and for all. I just saw Kim Catrall play against type in The Ghost Writer, and I suggest all these girls do the same. SJP is now spread so thin between her Bravo television stuff and being the new Halston (ish), who knows what will stick with her. She was so amazing in Miami Rhapsody, I wish she would find a script like that again.

Jake's pouty look reminds me of Loredana Jolie.

As for the Prince of Persia, I preferred Jake Gyllenhaal as an indie actor and this leap to action hero is so pretentious, that he might want to go back to his roots. I don’t care how cute he is…he needs to do meaningful films like James Franco and not try to compete with The Rock.

Literally everything in this scene can and will be purchased while sitting in the theater. Watch the movie? Nah...Shop the movie...yeah!

There is no doubt that the future holds many keys to the age old question: Where can I find that dress that So-n-So was wearing in that movie I saw last night? As technology marches on, you can be rest assured that the movie going experience is headed in the direction of “escape to the movies for retail therapy”. We are talking about a far more sophisticated situation that what we have now, which is that tacky, knock-off, dress company ABS by Jewish Guy that gets featured on The Insider the night after ever big award show. “Wanna look like Jennifer Lopez? Go to Nordstrom Rack“.  No, what I am talking about is, you will sit in the theater, bring your iPad complete with the Movie-Shop App. Then select the movie you are watching and literally everything in the move that is not nailed down (sets) will be purchasable right then and there. Hello…welcome to the 21st century. Surely you will miss the best parts of the movie as you chose your preferred color and size…and clearly audience members will hear a lot of, “What did I just miss, what happened, what did she say?” But for shopaholics, it is a small price to pay for being able to be swept away by the grandeur of cinema…and shop for things you really don’t need.

Today’s The New York Times Style features Sex and the City 2, but more importantly, addresses the purchasable items such as Sarah Jessica Parker’s white cocktail dress by Halston Heritage. The interesting tidbit is that SJP is the CEO of Halston Heritage these days too…how coy mozy is that? Look, if that is the future of fashion advertising/marketing…so be it. But as I predicted a while back…when Tom Ford’s A Single Man came out…to be prepared for fashion designers to start really getting heavily into creating movies. Hey, as long as we get great content…who cares? But if we end up watching long ass commercials…then…yikes. Speaking of which…check out Karl Lagerfeld’s new movie Remember Now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbYOA6JqRoE

Carrie Mulligan was really under dressed in this Miu Miu number.

Maybe this is better in person, but I just think there's too much Marchesa going on.

Though I love the fabric on this Halston number that Sarah Jessica Parker wore, I am not swacked on the style of this dress.

Gayle King sports a mother-of-the-bride two-piece set.

While there was a trend for too much dress, Bar Refaeli was on the opposite side of that spectrum. It needed another inch or two in length.

Christina Hendricks wins Worst of the Not Best Dressed Awards...yikes.

Andre Leon Talley and Whoopi Goldberg look like a Rabbi and a Cantor dressed for the High Holidays at Temple Beth El. Chado Ralph Rucci did not do himself any favors. Would love to hear Kelly Cutrone's take on this.

Oh and Katy Perry, this disco inferno number is better served at the Grammy or the American Music Awards, not the Costume Institute Gala. That's a costume alright...for like Cirque du Soleil.

This Marc Jacobs number is such the wrong choice for Rachel Zoe as she proves the adage, "Do as I say, not as I do". What are those side blobs of fabric? And the bag does not work either.

This is another Marchesa number that doesn't do it for me. And Blake Lively is wearing the wrong shoes too. And (B) I am over the over-sized shoulder treatments. Scroll up to Christina Hendricks if you are not convinced.

Mary J Blige proves my point that the over-sized shoulder treatments don't work on the chest either. This is a lovely color, and without that blob of fabric, it would have been that much cleaner and cooler.

Zac Posen designed this dress for Doutzen Kroes a.k.a. Glenda the Good Witch. All she needs is a wand.

Giambattista Valli overdid the fluff on Rosario Dawson's dress.

Riley Keough also gets a little lost in this too-much-dress by Thakoon.

As you can see, too much dress is not necessarily a good thing. It is my humble opinion that “less is more” (gee, you’d think no one ever said that) and simple, elegant and chic is always the best plan of action. After pawing through all the images on style.com, Women’s Wear Daily, Patrick McMullan and Wireimage, I keep coming back to my favorite looks of the evening that hits all the points I just made. Herewith is my Best Dressed for reasons of the obvious. They wear the dress, the dress does not wear them.

Zoe Saldana and Diane Kruger knocked it out of the park in these simple, elegant, chic, clean, Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein.

Honorable mention: Anna Wintour looks great. She should wear sunglasses less often.

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Dita von Teese is lovely...but she should not jump into the schmatta business.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but didn’t Dita Von Teese start out as a stripper….excuse me…burlesque performance artist? Don’t get me wrong, I think she is fascinating, beautiful, intriguing, beguiling, bewitched, bothered and bewildered. Surely she is a one-of-a-kind, that is for sure, and her iconic stature is undeniable. But, stripper plenty. So you can imagine my shock and awe at the recent revelation that Dita is considering designing a line of clothing. Clothes designed to be taken off, I guess. Must everyone who achieves any level of celebrity automatically design a line of clothing? I am beginning to feel like a broken record as it seems like every week I am reporting on yet another star-turned-designer. Will this nonsensical trend ever stop? What do we need to do, put Proenza Schouler, Michael Kors and Calvin Kein out of business in order to accommodate the Whitney Ports, Kim Kardashians, and Lauren Conrads of the world? Not to mention Sarah Jessica Parker, Faith Hill (yikes), and Madonna. Literally everyone is going to design a line of clothing so I hereby am revising the famous quote:

“In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” - Andy Warhol

“In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes, then become a fashion designer.” - Abe Gurko

Now here's a pose that looks very natural and comfy.

Come on, Dita. At least stick with your category: nylons, corsets, boudoir-y numbers like floor length lace dusters and crotchless garters, and even kitten heel slides with poofy pom-poms. You could even sneak in a few naughty items like whips and cat o’ nine tails, and leather tie-me-ups. Trust me, that is a huge business and you are poised to make a killing. But so help me, if I see a line of vintage inspired dresses and coats, I will sob uncontrollably that another real fashion designer will no doubt lose some business in order to make room for your Johnny-come-lately dream of becoming a fashion designer. Dita Von Teese…hear me out…stay the toast of the town, rather than becoming a seamstress with a dream.

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Oy, another celebrity designer looms...I mean...would you want this woman to design your wardrobe?

Help…I am drowning in a pool schmattas designed by celebrities. Someone throw me a line…and not a line designed by a celebrity. Unless you have been living under a rock, you would have noticed that a slew of celebrities have taken to multitasking, branding, adding layers to their illustrious careers by cultivating their secret childhood fantasies of becoming fashion designers. Literally every week I report on another astonishing member of this new clan of celebrities, who we can lovingly call brand whores. Every entertainment management firm is out there selling their talent to anyone that will pay anything, in an effort to brand them, which in theory, hopefully, helps their clients avoid the dreaded obscurity. Need a few examples? How about Madonna, The Olsen Twins, Kim Kardashian, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Moss, Nicole Richie? And let’s not forget this lovely bunch:

Avril Lavigne, don’t even start with me.
Cheryl Crow, seriously?
Nicki Hilton, is that still so?
Jessica Simpson, CFDA here we come.
Eve, no comment.
Gwen, luv hu, but prefer her music career.
Lauren Conrad, who will inspire the Real Housewives.
Mandy Moore, no comment.
Jennifer Lopez, is that still happening?
Whitney Port (every piece is a must-have)
Victoria Beckham, or is it Roland Mouret?

Next victim is Faith Hill, who just sat in as judge for the Project Runway finale last week. If an appearance on a reality show is enough to inspire you to say you have always wanted to be a designer…well…somebody help me…throw me a line…and not one designed by Ms. Hill. “If the right opportunity presents itself, I can guarantee you it would be my passion, and I would put my heart and soul into making it the best it could possibly be,” Faith recently said to Associated Press. “I would design for the women I know and their kids … busy moms with great style.” So here’s what I am scratching my head about…the opportunity breeds the passion? I always thought it was the other way around. Ms. Hill’s philosophy is kind of like the chicken and the egg theory, just a little less clear. Every designer I know has it in their blood…it is their life’s work…their mission. It makes me wonder if Faith Hill’s music career happened the same way. So, she never sang a song, but the Grand Ole Opry banged on her door one night and said, “Faith Hill, how would you like the opportunity to sing with Minnie Pearl on the Grand Ole Opry stage on Saturday night?” Hence launching her career? I am confused. All I am saying is that Faith is beautiful and hopefully will stick to her singing career. Hey, do what your hubby Tim McGraw does, act in movies. But please, leave the designing to designers. And that goes for most of the aforementioned celebrities.

Sarah Jessica Parker is reading up on everything Halston. How about a sewing class. – PAGE SIX

Madonna looks amazing in these ads for Dolce Gabanna’s next ad for MILF’s. – LIVE JOURNAL

So, Anna Wintour’s Fashions Night Out is going to be the word’s largest extravaganza. I wrote about this on February 2. Tell me something I didn’t know. - HUFFINGTON POST

Snooki bagged her boyfriend via voice-mail. Do unto others girl. - PEOPLE

Jennifer Aniston...aaah...the smell of it.

You know you have hit the big top when a fragrance bears your name, or your pet’s name, or your favorite childhood memory’s name of some such nonsense. You all know my aversion to celebrity fashion designers. Now I am officially adding celebrity schtoonk-meisters to the list of things that make me say fotz or “ewww”. Let me start by mentioning my favorite exception to this parade, none other than Dame Elizabeth Taylor. When Elizabeth created White Diamonds, she was pretty much out of the movie business, still  gorgeous and well…friggen Liz Taylor. Don’t even try to put Sarah Jessica Parker or 50 Cent in her league, ’cause I will come there, find you and pussy whip you with a feather. The thing is, I know several amazing “noses”, as they are called. Noses are the people who have honed the craft of designing fragrances. It is an art form. So when a celebrity comes barging into this category, they cheapen the act. Perhaps getting your stink on is a sure sign that your movie days are winding down.

Surely that might be the case with our newest celebrity stinker to enter the fray with LOLAVIE by Jennifer Aniston, which she describes as “a non-perfume perfume.” Exactly what is a non-perfume perfume? Air? Water? A waste of space? Nonsense? I vote for the two latter descriptions. Let’s start with the name…LOLAVIE. Ms. Aniston refused to say what it means besides, “It’s a long story and honestly it’s too personal to tell”. Jennifer added, “But it has special significance.” Us Weekly suggests Lolavie means “laughing at life”, which can also be interpreted as “laughing all the way to the bank”. Since Jennifer is a comedian, maybe it’s an inside joke. But the joke is on whoever buys into this campaign, or any other celebrity fragrance for that matter. I get wanting to look like your favorite star, but the whole smell like thing is just odd. But let me not only ostracize Jennifer Aniston here.

While researching this bit, I was shocked and amazed as to all the celebrities whose egos have gotten in the way of their better judgment and jumped into the celebrity fragrance pool. The list is way too long to include here, but feel free to click on this link. For now I am just going to highlight the ones that boggled my mind:

Leona Lewis: For that one hit wonder smell? Help me here.

50 Cent: Say what you want, but I’d prefer to smell like a lot more money than that.

Kiss: Smell like clown white, mascara and sweat? Feh.

Raven Symone: That’s So Smelly.

Danielle Steel: For that new book smell? For that fictitious character scent? Huh?

Joan Rivers: A new fragrance that you inject, lasts for several months.

Sveltlana Stalin: The Fresh Scent of Freedom.

Carmen Electra: Well, I won’t even go there…but you know where I was headed.

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