Sp-hair Me or What Not To (Hair) Do

Aug 19, 2009Fashion
Hair issues go as far back as Sampson and Delilah. What a bitch she was.

Hair issues go as far back as Sampson and Delilah. What a bitch she was for cutting it off.

Hair is probably the most complicated issue of our time. Perhaps second to universal health care…but an issue of the highest, most unprecedented order. Oh, yeah, and world peace. On second thought, hair is the number one issue for mankind and the other things follow suit. How can I say that? Well, admit it. You spend more time thinking about your hair as opposed to Obama’s heath care plan or the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq combined. Therefore…hair wins…horrendous as that sounds. These days with regards to hairstyles…everything goes. But, someone needs to be the voice of reason to prove that, in fact, everything does NOT go. Guys, this is a guide to “What Not To (Hair) Do” at the risk of I Mean…What?!? saying “Sp-hair Me”.

What in tarnation does Coolio think...that this looks good?

What in tarnation does Coolio think...that this looks good?

Bit of history: The whole hair mess started with Sampson and Delilah. He was all about his full head of thick, wavy, shiny hair. But Delilah had thin, fly-away, limp hair and she was totally jealous. So, like the bitch she was, she cut his hair off while he was sleeping, which destroyed him and their relationship. Lesson here ladies: Do not date men with better hair than you. Cut to: Centuries later when men wore powdered wigs to show social status and for sanitary reasons (head lice…feh). Now, if I had my druthers, I would love to reinstate that trend since A) I have to keep my hair buzzed short due to the unwanted aging process and B) Who wouldn’t want to change up their look so drastically? You women have all the fun. From then on, America became one uptight country and men kept their hair short, and the crew cut in the 1950’s became the rage. Shortly thereafter, the 1960’s changed everything. Men didn’t need powdered wigs, the could just grow their hair as long as they wanted. (Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it.) Though men with long hair were totally hot, it took one person to put the kibosh on that look…FABIO. Since then, men pretty much do what they want with their hair, which is why I am now the self-appointed voice of reason to those who have lost their hair way.

Did you ever uderstand the whole Fabio thing? Look at his outfit? Please, somebody, explain this. When he did that margarine commercial all bets were off. We used to go to the same dog park in LA. Hilare.

Did you ever understand the whole Fabio thing? Look at his outfit? Please, somebody, explain this. When he did that margarine commercial all bets were off. We used to go to the same dog park in LA. Hilare.

I vote to reinstate the man wig...only change up the stlyes a bit.

I vote to reinstate the man wig...only change up the stlyes a bit.

No extremes are good...especially in the case of the mullet.

No extremes are good...especially in the case of the mullet.

Men: Avoid frosty tips. It is so ridicuous, especially when coupled with a diamond earing.

Men: Avoid blond frosty tips. It is so ridicuous, especially when coupled with a diamond earing.

This here faux hawk meets mullet is unflattering. Period. "Youth is wasted on the young."

This here faux hawk meets mullet is unflattering. Period. "Youth is wasted on the young."

Agreed? Fotz.

Agreed? Fotz.

And while I'm on the subject, the faux hawk is so unlfattering. It's like Mr. Tomato Head. The only person who got away with it was Beckham...period.

And while I'm on the subject, the faux hawk is so unflattering. It's like Mr. Tomato Head. The only person who got away with it was Beckham...period.

And speaking of a choppy mess, Christian Siriano needs to modify already. We get it...you're quirky. Now stay funnier than your hair.

And speaking of a choppy mess, Christian Siriano needs to modify already. We get it...you're quirky. Now stay funnier than your hair.

And your little dog, too.

And your little dog, too.

Red haired guys have a hard time and Carrot Top surely does not help matters. Yikes.

Red haired guys have a hard time and Carrot Top surely does not help matters. Yikes.

Oy vey iz meer, Mr. Trump. Whats should he do? Leave a comment.

Oy vey iz meer, Mr. Trump. Whats should he do? Leave a comment.

The comb over crowd...bless their blind little hearts.

The comb over crowd...bless their blind little hearts.

And Brookyln hipsters...take note...fotz.

And Brookyln hipsters...take note...fotz.

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4 Responses to “Sp-hair Me or What Not To (Hair) Do”

  1. ericka says:

    I am so sensitive to hair. i can find someone attractive, and then if they change their hair, I'm done. I used to have a mad crush on a certain celeb, and he went and cut his hair. When I saw him after that, he remarked about a photo of him with the previous hair. I proceeded to advise him that he go back to that. He didn't, so crush? gone. I'm flighty that way. ;)

    and i'm still waiting for someone with a mullet to explain to me what they see in the mirror that they like so much.

  2. foolio_iglesias says:

    Any way you slice it,a mullet is still business in the front,party in the back!Cornrows are just a ghetto mullet…..I've seen some atrocious mo and faux hawks recently this past year,remember Andre Kirilenkos mohawk?By the middle of the first quarter it looked like seal pelt….

  3. mario says:

    i really love blond frosty tips but i cant do this haircut cause i have heard that is gay but i dont know :/

Leave a Reply to ericka