“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Bummer! AMI, that high-brow publisher news sources such as the Star and Radar Online have backed off the Kardashian Khronicle. Just when I was so looking forward to curling up in my leopard print, fire-retardant Kardashian Snuggie from Sears to catch up on all the lovely (fake) stories that Kris Jenner wanted me to read. Shucks, back to Joan Didion and Chelsea Handler. The news is that Kris was acting like the Momager Bitch From Hell and demanded 100% control of editorial content. “AMI chief David Pecker made it clear that there was no way he was going to tell his editors what stories they could and couldn’t do,” our source said. In turn, Kris Jenner pulled Kardashian-related product ads from Star. Oh no she didn’t. Well, her being that annoying has potentially spared us from the lamest rag from hell.

DAYS OF KIM’S LIVES…KRONICLE KANCELLED…I WROTE THIS ON JANUARY 4:

Oprah is not cold in the media grave for more than five minutes and the Kardashian Konsortium is moving in on her turf. Word is that the Kardashian Empire will venture into the magazine business just in time for the extinction of print. Kris Jenner must believe that all it takes is a village of Kardashians to resuscitate the ailing mag biz. That, or perhaps she thinks starting a fledgling magazine is the best tax deduction on Earth to avoid paying more taxes. Lord knows we are sadly about to find out. I thought it would be fun to be a fly on the wall at their first editorial meeting, which would be reminiscent of that episode of Absolutely Fabulous when Patsy moves to New York.

INT. KARDASHIAN KONFERENCE ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON

All 700 Kardshians are getting seated in a glass office around a glass table (since they can’t throw stones). KRIS JENNER sits at the tip while the others scurry to their seats for the first end-of-day briefing.

KRIS: Well, kids, how was your first day at our new empire?
KIM: Beyond.
KRIS: Well that sounds encouraging. Tell us.
KIM: Did you know that if you take a piece of paper and put in on that white chest of drawers looking thing that it like reproduces the piece of paper by just touching a button?
KOURTNEY: And you can change Mason on it too. I will be keeping diapers in that paper drawer, just so you know.
KHLOE: Ugh, you two are like such beginners. When I was on Celebrity Apprentice we had to do all kinds of shit like that AND be witty and glamorous.
ROB: I spent the day trying to get an interview with Stephen Colbert to discuss men’s socks to push my new line of men’s socks but no one from his PR team is getting back to me. Mommy, what should I do?
KRIS: Keep calling and emailing. Being a hard news reporter is not easy work.
BRUCE: I would like to do an article on anti-aging cremes from natural vegetation in tropical islands, where conceivably, I can go and test the products myself.
KRIS: Not so fast Buddy Boy, no trips just yet. In the mean why don’t you go and interview Dr. Arnold Klein who turned Michael Jackson white and get the skinny on that whole story.
BRUCE: Good idea, Chief, and while I am at it I can try to find out what happened with his nose.
KRIS: Great idea. Anyone else?
KIM: Well, obvi we need to discuss the cover shoot. I am feeling a Pucci meets Diane Von Furstenberg inspired print story but all sourced from Sears vendors. Let’s face it, I look great in prints.
KYLIE & KENDRA: Who says you are automatically going to be on the cover?
KIM: No one has to say anything of the sort. Why do you think I am even doing this magazine? For my health?
KRIS: We are doing this to be a family. Like we do everything else.
KOURTNEY: And I am not so sure that America is ready to have you on a cover so soon after the Kris debacle.
KIM: Oh please. The American consumer has the attention span of a… a… what was I just saying?
KHLOE: Listen Miss Thing, we love you but we all have kind of had it with you as well. This Kanye drama keeps coming up and no one likes a home wrecker.
KIM: You’re actually listening to Amber Freakin’ Rose? She would do anything and say anything to be in the media.
KRIS: Wonder if she needs a manager. Meeting adjourned.

Too bad we will never see this.