“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Did you ever Google yourself? And while you were at it, look up who else shares your birthday? Stop judging me. It’s my birthday, as well as George Clooney, Gabourey Sidibe, Willie Mays, Sigmund Freud, Orson Welles, and Rudolph Valentino’s. I love the company I keep. Since I live in my own head, here’s is a scene from my birthday dinner party. INT. GEORGE CLOONEY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT GEORGE: Let’s face it, people born on May 6th are amazing. RUDOLPH: My mother used to tell me that all the time. SIGMUND: When did your obsession with MOTHER begin? RUDOLPH:… Read More »

Here’s a situation that has me riveted…in a guilty pleasure kind of way…kind of like watching…The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Where you really can’t believe that you got whooped up into wasting two hours of your precious time on earth watching this stupid show, yet, totally hoping that anyone but Vienna wins…and horrified when she did. Hence, you lost all respect for Jake. In that same way, I am wondering what Sandra Bullock and Elin Nordegren will do about their cheating husbands? Will they or won’t they forgive them…or will they just leave? Who hasn’t made their minds… Read More »

Yesterday, I announced my newest nominee for Gross Baboon of the Year with the news of Jesse James and his uber-skank Michelle “Bombshell” McGee (a.k.a. Skanky McGee, in my book). But the competition continues to be fierce for that award. Today, it’s all about Joslyn James, from the quorum of bosomy broads who diddled with Tiger Woods‘ doodle…or is it doodled with his diddle. Actually, neither, if you go by the salacious texts that poor, little victim of poontang, Joslyn endured…then released to the media…really?!? Who can feel sorry for anyone that makes choices with open eyes and hires someone… Read More »

Phew. Award season is over. Whether you are pleased with the results of the Oscar winners (I am), or the Oscar telecast (I’m not), or the Red Carpet gowns (I’m OK overall) or the constant coverage (I’m exhausted), you have to be somewhat relieved that the barrage of celebrity overload is over…for now. Look, I, too, love celebrity culture, but you have to admit, with the rise in urgency of every award show (including the Razzies), we are now chock-full of Gabourey Sidibe (someone tell her to stop screaming), Jason Reitman (your daddy directed Kindergarten Cop, stop thanking him) and… Read More »

I want to be Mary Alice Stephenson when I come back to Earth in my next life. Tall, blond, female, smart, beautiful, industrious, glamorous…need I say more? Either I want to be just like her or a French poodle in a Jewish household on Long Island. Both lives are charmed. I met Mary Alice at a fund-raising event…you see…she is perfect…and we have since kept in touch. Recently, we both were speaking on a panel about the future of the fashion industry. There she was, clad in red Calvin Klein fierceness. I mentioned interviewing her for IMW-TV, though at that… Read More »

What is the deal with nominating ten films for Best Movie for an Academy Award? They needed to add those extra five like I am going to the moon. Sure, they talked on and on about the Golden Age of Hollywood and that they had ten nominees. Yoo hoo, that was when Hollywood was churning out hundreds of movies a month. Of course there were ten nominees. Let’s not compare apples to oranges here. Just because Hollywood is having a blockbuster year, does not make the equivalent of the films comparable to the days of yore. Shall we compare notes?… Read More »

V is For Victory for Tubby…I mean…Voluminously Voluptuous Women. To be clear, V Magazine is doing a whole issue with plus-sized models. This is a major statement for the normally anorexic audience that reads most uber-fabulous glossies. Didn’t they all start the trend in vomiting and other such lovely feats of strength to look thin and gorgeous. As a past fatty, I am glad that V is willing to dedicate this much attention and resources to acknowledge this audience. I just wonder if it will be the token fat issue and never again will we see an unsightly bulge…except in… Read More »

There are two dreadful days of the year. No, not April 15, that one I can stomach. These are the bitter pills of days. One of them is that first day back to work (or school, which caused the problem in the first place) after the long, joyous summer. I did a piece The End of Summer Stomach Ache earlier this year. It is clear as a bell why they call it Labor Day because it’s as painful as being in labor. The other horrendous day is the first day back to work after the Christmas holidays having overdosed on… Read More »

Let us take a moment to observe the human species. You know, the mere mortals that plod along, making hay while the sun shines and other such honorable activities. Now, let’s take two such humans, and see how they spent their Christmas. This might shed some light on the condition we call human, while identifying the the difference between a good guy and a member of the “Lucky Sperm Club”. Our first human is Jasper Schuringa, a little known, rather, completely unknown film director wanna-be from Holland, who happened to be on that potentially doomed Delta flight from Amsterdam to… Read More »

Not many New Yorkers, or humans, for that matter, will have had the pleasure, or rather, the great fortune of seeing Cate Blanchett in A Streetcar Names Desire. The Brooklyn Academy of Music (BAM) was lucky enough to feature the production, directed by Liv Ullman at the BAM Harvey Theater, the coolest venue. I have long been obsessed with great actresses. It started as a child when I happened to notice Bette Davis’ eyes peering from the television screen in Dark Victory. With the blink of those eyes, my life changed. Bette Davis was my first obsession, followed by food,… Read More »