“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

This season, there are more ladies who lunch on television than there are real ladies. Some of these ladies who do nothing but lunch make vapid seem interesting. I would not be caught dead breaking bread with them for fear of osmosis. I am referring to the cast of The A-List Dallas. These queens are so tragic and uninteresting that it boggles the mind. The Logo Channel has officially set back the gay cause 100 years. If straight people catch this show by accident—Lord knows they would not seek it out, nor could they find the damn thing intentionally—they would be horrified to see and hear sissing-S-filled blather spewed by cringe-worthy gays and one pretty Christian fag hag, who is a living, breathing oxymoron. The straights would wonder why on Earth these people want marriage equality because who the hell would want to listen to any one of these characters for more than five minutes without wanting to kill themselves. For a while now, I have been saying that I don’t consider myself gay anymore. Homosexual yes, gay no. After witnessing this horrendous excuse for gay reality programming, I can safely say that if my reality remotely resembles one iota of the idiocy and one dimensional-ness of these winy, pretentious, annoying, do-nothing-to-help-society buffoons, then I am going to join a convent. Sister Bertrille, here I come.

Lord knows I love me my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but someone needs to defend Brandi against the Sisters Grimm. What can I say? I feel for anyone who calls themselves a slut. First of all, Sister Grimm #1, Kyle, is so holier than though, that she must ask Bravo to do an angels singing soundtrack in the distance whenever she speaks. This season Kyle is even more full of herself, maybe because she seems to have it all, including an upgraded house to be a wife in, and way too much glittery clothes. Meanwhile, if you think I would defend that nut-bag Kim, Sisters Grimm #2, think again. That fragile bird is by no means an innocent—what actress is. Frankly, I wish she would go back to Witch Mountain. Lord knows, this season she is acting like she escaped from somewhere, looney-bin being the operative word here. Kim’s biggest problem stems from the fact that she can not come to terms that perhaps her hey-day was in 1975, when Escape to Witch Mountain first came out.