Monica Lewinsky is the real originator of Mistresses Anonymous. Her new tell-all book will take us through every inch of her life and vagina. Let’s face it, we all know the story, ten times over. Blue dress, cum stains, cigars, bla bla bla. She should write a 12-Step Help Book for women who don’t know how to decipher right from wrong. Dredging up her sordid past, on the eve of Hillary’s poosibel move to run for President in 2016 make her Gross Baboon of the Week.
A while back I wrote about the most genius thing ever, a new 12-Step Program called Mistresses Anonymous. It started around the time when Tiger Woods was skanking around and his alleged mistresses, Jamie Jungers began talking to TV chef Gordon Ramsay‘s former alleged mistress Sarah Symonds about working on a project together. The pair of wanna be thespians wanted to help other women get out of toxic relationships with other people’s husbands. At the time, Symonds told Page Six, “I run a group called Mistresses Anonymous. It’s the only support group for women who are in bad relationships with married men.” Can you imagine the plethora of secretaries and interns huddling together in order to find their self respect? Let’s face it, Monica Lewinsky is the reason that such a 12 Step Program exists. She paved the way for hussies everywhere.
MONICA: Hi, my name is Monica and I’m a recovering mistress-aholic.
GROUP OF HUSSIES: Hi Monica.
Symonds added, “Ideally what I’d like to do is a TV special with all of Tiger’s mistresses, where they could discuss the downside to being ‘the other woman,’ and whether he was good in bed.” It sure sounds like a show that Flavor Flav could host. All the bitches could live in one house, and Flavor Flav can try seduce each hussy into admitting what Tiger was like in the sack rather than succumb to kissing Flav. Breching (vomiting in Yiddish) applicable here. Let’s face it, Flav is gross, kinda like Loredana Jolie.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF MISTRESSES ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over unavailable men—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Powerful man would make us feel complete and could restore our checkbook.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the rich, older, married man…even if we had to give head.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the wife, that bitch, she doesn’t even give him head.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, to our girlfriends over Cosmopolitans the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have the wife removed from this Earth.
7. Humbly asked Him to give me a condo and a monthly allowance or I would tell the wife, rather than admit our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all past relationships of married men, and became willing to make amends to all the wives, now that we had great worldly possessions.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, or get our eyes scratched out.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of all the jewels and gifts and when we were wrong promptly sold them.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us, and the power to land another Sugar Daddy.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other mistresses, realizing what a bunch of hopeless fools they are.
Watch my In Bed With Sarah Symonds interview.