Monica Lewinsky: Mistresses Anonymous

Ain’t no one grabbing at her blue dress today.

Monica Lewinsky is the real originator of Mistresses Anonymous. Her new tell-all book will take us through every inch of her life and vagina. Let’s face it, we all know the story, ten times over. Blue dress, cum stains, cigars, bla bla bla. She should write a 12-Step Help Book for women who don’t know how to decipher right from wrong. Dredging up her sordid past, on the eve of Hillary’s poosibel move to run for President in 2016 make her Gross Baboon of the Week.

A while back I wrote about the most genius thing ever, a new 12-Step Program called Mistresses Anonymous. It started around the time when Tiger Woods was skanking around and his alleged mistresses, Jamie Jungers began talking to TV chef Gordon Ramsay‘s former alleged mistress Sarah Symonds about working on a project together. The pair of wanna be thespians wanted to help other women get out of toxic relationships with other people’s husbands. At the time, Symonds told Page Six, “I run a group called Mistresses Anonymous. It’s the only support group for women who are in bad relationships with married men.” Can you imagine the plethora of secretaries and interns huddling together in order to find their self respect? Let’s face it, Monica Lewinsky is the reason that such a 12 Step Program exists. She paved the way for hussies everywhere.

MONICA: Hi, my name is Monica and I’m a recovering mistress-aholic.
GROUP OF HUSSIES: Hi Monica.

Symonds added, “Ideally what I’d like to do is a TV special with all of Tiger’s mistresses, where they could discuss the downside to being ‘the other woman,’ and whether he was good in bed.” It sure sounds like a show that Flavor Flav could host. All the bitches could live in one house, and Flavor Flav can try seduce each hussy into admitting what Tiger was like in the sack rather than succumb to kissing Flav. Breching (vomiting in Yiddish) applicable here. Let’s face it, Flav is gross, kinda like Loredana Jolie.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF MISTRESSES ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over unavailable men—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Powerful man would make us feel complete and could restore our checkbook.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the rich, older, married man…even if we had to give head.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the wife, that bitch, she doesn’t even give him head.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, to our girlfriends over Cosmopolitans the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have the wife removed from this Earth.
7. Humbly asked Him to give me a condo and a monthly allowance or I would tell the wife, rather than admit our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all past relationships of married men, and became willing to make amends to all the wives, now that we had great worldly possessions.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, or get our eyes scratched out.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of all the jewels and gifts and when we were wrong promptly sold them.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us, and the power to land another Sugar Daddy.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other mistresses, realizing what a bunch of hopeless fools they are.

Watch my In Bed With Sarah Symonds interview.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxV2vfLJZ3I

14 Responses to “Monica Lewinsky: Mistresses Anonymous”

  1. […] while back I wrote a piece about Mistresses Anonymous, the organization started by Sarah Symonds of the Gordon Ramsey indiscretion. Seems like all the […]

  2. Hey there , nice post .. I m actually interested in this subject keep on writing and thank you !

  3. Camille says:

    It is easy to be judgemental of mistresses for many reasons. But we are human, just like alcoholics, bulimics, and deserve to have treatment available to us, like anyone else fighting an addiction.
    Why else would we be with someone who is unavailable most of the time-feeling like being second best is all we deserve.

    The simple truth is that in most cases it is the man who pursued us, we didn't sneak around looking to find some older married man with too many committments who is brain bored of his life at home.

    These men feel second best in their own homes. Many times the kids, friends, and other duties take priority in the wife's mind. He is left to feel like an ATM machine to his family, with little affection or appreciation. A man in a happy marriage doesn't sneak around risking everything to get the attention of another woman.

    Divorce the man who cheats on you…but realize that the relationship problems that caused him to cheat in the first place would have likely eventually caused you to be divorced anyway……

  4. I agree and I'd like to share another story soon

  5. Lisa Castagna says:

    I am a mistress. I've been in a relationship with a married man from work. His name is Dave. He has two young daughters but doesn't have a good relationship with his wife. I've been sleeping with Dave for almost a year and am waiting patiently for him to leave his wife. I've been thinking about confronting her with the truth but not sure if that's a good idea. How should I handle this?

    • Abe Gurko says:

      Hi Lisa,
      Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I know that must have been difficult, but not as difficult of a time that you are having overall. After I wrote this piece, which was also featured in The Huffington Post. A woman named Sarah Symonds reached out to me who started an organization for women in you situation. We’ve since become friends as well. I interviewed her for my website if you care to watch. It’s pretty funny, and you cold use a laugh. http://bit.ly/h3e2eL
      Would you mind if I put her in touch with you to talk through your situation?
      Please let me know either way.
      Warm regards,
      ABE

  6. Sarah Symonds says:

    Hello Abe,
    Please feel free to put anyone in touch with me. I am here for all sisters of the mistresshood. If they want to join a real life Mistresses Anonymous meeting, there is footage of previous meetings on my website, http://www.havinganaffairthebook.com, as well as detes on how to email me directly. Thanks for caring enough Abe to talk about this 'under the radar topic' in public. I speak for all Mistresses when I say how much we appreciate it x

  7. Janine says:

    I read the book "Having an Affair – Handbook for the other woman!"
    It was very honest and helpful in the fact that it gave the warning signs of a partner that may be cheating.
    Although it does portray the hurt experienced by the mistress, this book certainly has not taken into consideration the feelings of hurt, distrust, betrayal etc. of the partner when she finds out about the other woman. Perhaps the "other woman" would benefit more to "walk" in the wife/partner etc. shoes and maybe she would not be purusing "unavailable" men. The men in this case as well as the "other woman" are fully aware of what they are doing; and both should be held accountable.
    My eyes are now wide open and will never be put in a position where this situation will occur again. I will now be very diligent in who I get involved with and will certainly be aware of another women's intentions.

    • debbie says:

      too have been a victim. My married man was in a loveless marriage and thinking of getting out before I came along. We were friends first for months. Then we fell in love. He did leave his wife and even divorced. We were together for 4.5 years, although he went back and forth several times because the guilt was too much for him. He never went back to her, just broke it off with me so he could get his head together. Everytime I got strong and tired of waiting, he would pull me back in. After the third parting he said it would tell us once and for all whether we would be together or apart for good. So I gave him his space for 2 months. He came back to me. We were together for another 14 months, and very happy, very much in love.

  8. Lisa says:

    The word 'hussies' sounds pretty judgemental to me, especially of these women who are seeking help to get out of their love/obsession/addiction to a married man. 'Hussies' doesn't belong here.

  9. […] Monica Lewinsky: Mistresses Anonymous (imeanwhat.com) […]

  10. I’ve read a few good stuff here. Certainly value bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how much effort you put to create any such wonderful informative site.

  11. Anonymous says:

    You are a sad person. Who even says the word hussy anymore? Take up a healthier hobby please!

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