ATTENTION: VOGUE & HARPER’S BAZAAR
DO NOT PUT MELANIA AND/OR IVANKA ON YOUR COVERS UNTIL THEY START PRODUCING THEIR “FASHION” LINES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES!
Dearest Anna Wintour & Glenda Bailey,
Well, it’s been a long, hard-fought slog and sadly we lost. We’ve lost our faith, our dignity, our self-respect, our pride, our equality, our…our…our…fill in your own blank. Sure, I can dust myself off, pick myself up and start all over again. But frankly, that process is beginning to piss me off, which brings me to you guys. As a fan of fashion and a long-time reader of Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar, I know how difficult it must have been for you back in 2013 when you made that hideous leap of faith and began showering praise on Kim Kardashian, which has led to this moment where Kendall Kardashian is your greatest muse. (I MEAN…GIA CARANGI MUST BE TURNING IN HER GRAVE AND JANICE DICKINSON MUST JUST BE TURNING SOMEWHERE!) And for what? All for the sake of building your social media prowess.
It must’ve been a massive blow to both your egos once any Jewish American Princess with a blog had become more relevant than the institutions that you both so wonderfully run. But alas…all that seems to be meaningless now. Doesn’t it? You compromised your better judgment and now we are all swimming in a pool of celebrity overload muck. Hence, Donald Trump is our President Elect.
I mean, the KKK Newsletter is probably garnering more likes that your September Issue. So now who do you need to sleep with to regain and maintain your position in the hierarchy of fashion credibility? Especially now that Street Cred is officially passé! Don’t answer that! I know all to well how quickly you will defy your core belief system once again and grace your covers with the Lying-Likes of Ivanka Trump Kushner and the She-Who-Has-Accomplished-Nothing Melania Trump.
So I wanted to get this letter out before you did so. They must lead by example before you anoint them as fashion royalty. Suggest that they help embolden the once flourishing International Ladies’ Garment Union and help bring jobs back to America! Show them that the power of the fashion media has not been reduced to some random twinkie with an iPhone.
I can only imagine what your day after the election disaster editorial meeting must have been like:
INT. ONE WORLD TRADE CENTER – MORNING – INT. HEARST BUILDING 57th STREET – MORNING (CONGRUENTLY)
A deafening silence fills the room…if not the entire island of Manhattan. A pin dropping is heard from New Jersey.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: What just happened?
FASHION DIRECTOR: Should I kill the pantsuit story? Literally ever designer in the CFDA has reworked the Tupperware Lady look into a smart must have for 2017.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: Kill it. But who can we put on the cover?
MARKETING DEPARTMENT: Melania and Ivanka.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: Not on your life.
FASHION DIRECTOR: We can do a whole thing on Pussy Blouses and have them both wearing them.
MARKETING DIRECTOR: Gucci will love that. Maybe I can sell them on a fold out cover.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: You make me sick.
MARKETING DIRECTOR: Remember, that’s what you said when I told you to put Kardashians on the cover.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: And look how that has besmirched our credibility…reduced us to an over-glorified supermarket tabloid.
MARKETING DIRECTOR: Hey, you’re still in business though…barely.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: (Voices crackle) The business of being downmarket?
BEAUTY EDITOR: Shades of orange blush and lipsticks are the most searched color palettes on Instagram. We could do a beauty story called Orange Alert.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: I simply can’t.
MARKETING DIRECTOR: Like it or not, you’re gonna need the Trump brand more than some feminist lesbian ideal of style. Pantsuits, indeed.
ANNA WINTOUR / GLENDA BAILEY: (In tears) Meeting adjourned.
Yes, ladies, you have my sympathy vote because I know how heinous it feels to go against your inner truths all for the sake of industry and once again denying your self worth by succumbing to the pressure of the almighty buck. But what you CAN do here is demand that the First Lady (Ha) and First Daughter (Yech) set an example to help rebuild America. So when…AND ONLY WHEN they show that they are setting a tone for the fashion industry: Made In America Again will you honor them with your presence and grace your covers with the likes of those two ne’er do wells.