“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water, or from behind a tabloid, comes Kim Kardashian in all her boobalicious glory. Surely she must have been suffering from an acute case of claustrophobia having to hide from the media since leaving that doof-ball after 72 unglorious days of marriage. Kris Jenner must have been keeping her under lock and key as Momager Knows Best. Here is how that exchange went down leading up to this Twitpic.

INT. KARDASHIAN KOMPOUND – LATE AFTERNOON

Kris Jenner sits in her leopard print, wallpapered office reading online gossip rags. In the distance an animal is moaning and occasionally whaling.

KRIS: (Mouth wide open) Oy, this is not good. (Picks up phone) Can I please speak to Ryan Seacrest. (Continues reading in horror) What do you mean he is not there. He is always there. Now tell him to get on the phone or I am bringing my whole family to the Hallmark Channel.

SPLIT SCREEN

RYAN SEACREST: Hi Kris. What can I help you with.
KRIS: What can I help you with my ass. Actually it’s not my ass I am concerned about… it’s Kim’s. We need to get her back out there. She is like a wild cheetah locked in a cage here.
RYAN: Look, what’s best for the television shows and E! Channel are Kim keeping a low profile. No one gives a shit about her right now. They feel betrayed.
KRIS: Humbug, it has been long enough. We need to do a few innocent strategic things to keep the wild beast happy.
RYAN: Yes, we have created a monster, I know, but we have to be smart.
KRIS: Smart is one thing, but listen to her howling in the background. (Lifts receiver to the air) We have to do something fast. She feels like a prisoner. This is a family home not Guantanamo Bay. Can’t you do something?
RYAN: What about a spread in Esquire……….. Latino.
KRIS: Perfect. I will tell her it is Esquire period. Thanks darling. When can we sit down to discuss the other shows that I want to develop such as Kylie and Kendra Get Their Period presented by Kotex or Kris Jenner: Going Through The Change sponsored by Activia. We could get sponsors up the hootch, if you get my drift.
RYAN: Let’s get on each others’ calendar next week. Later.
KRIS: (Buzzes intercom) Kim, come down here at once. Glorious news.
KIM: (Rushes in) Yes Marmee.
KRIS: We’re doing a photo shoot.
KIM: Oh Marmee, it feels like Christmas. Who is it for? Did Anna Wintour finally come down off her high horse and give me a Vogue cover?
KRIS: Well???
KIM: Harper’s Bazaar?
KRIS: Um…
KIM: Elle?
KRIS: Not exactly.
KIM: Ugh, a men’s rag? Don’t tell me.
KRIS: Well, it’s Esquire, the thinking gay man’s magazine.
KIM: Oh well. It’s fine. Can I wear my new cheetah print Hootchie Mamma dress?
KRIS: Of course, dear.
KIM: Ooh, can I get my hair-color lightened? I need a change.
KRIS: I don’t see why not.
KIM: Oh Marmee. This is so wonderful I cannot wait to share this news with my Twitter fans.