And Kim Kardashian's pregnant bagel.
Oooh, Lordie be. The gossip mill is saying that Anna Wintour has banned Kim Kardashian from the Costume Institute Gala. Snap and snap again makes two snaps up. Naturally, we must immediately turn this moment into The Days of Kim’s Lives…All Nine of Them. The Gala Snub Episode.
INT. KARDASHIAN KOMPOUND – NYC – SUNDAY NIGHT (EVE OF GALA)
Kim Kardashian is desperately trying to squeeze into a gold Herve Leger by Max Azria bandage gown, which gets stuck at her rump.
KIM: Mother.
KRIS: What are you doing?
KIM: (Grunting) Help me tug this mummy shit up over my ass.
KRIS: Maybe you should not wear this and let’s see that lovely Marchesa confection that Georgina sent me, I mean you.
KIM: Until Harvey Weinstein puts me in a movie, I am not wearing Marchesa. (Grunt)
KRIS: And where do you think you are wearing this rag to anyway. I have nothing lined up for you tonight.
KIM: It’s what I want to wear tomorrow to the Costume Institute Gala.
KRIS: Oy.
KIM: What, oy? (They stop trying to get the dress up.)
KRIS: You are not on the list for that event, dear.
KIM: What are you talking about. I am going to that Gala, period.
KRIS: But…
KIM: But, nothing. And speaking of butt, let’s try one more time.
They resume squeezing Kim’s ass into the dress and finally succeed.
KIM: There, wait till Anna gets a load of this Oscar worthy look.
KRIS: Darling, you know I deprive you of nothing but there is no turning back time.
KIM: Thanks, Cher. But I will just call Kanye. (Picks up bedazzled Blackberry.)
KRIS: Kanye has no power over Anna, dear. Trust me, this is a no go.
KIM: We’ll just see. Kanye, baby, its Ki Ki. Call me. Need to whisper sweet nothings in your… well… you know.
KRIS: How can you even breathe in that thing.
KIM: Help me out of this.
KRIS: Look, who cares about Anna Wintour anyway. She doesn’t appreciate your voluptuousness.
KIM: Yes she does, her daughter Bee kinda looks like me. Maybe Anna is just jealous of my fame.
KRIS: You have a point.
KIM: Now why isn’t Kanye getting back to me? If he is avoiding me…
KRIS: Sweetheart, let’s just get you our of this town and back to Kalabasas for a few days. Who cares about Anna, Costumes, or Kanye anyway.
KIM: Um, last I checked, ME! How dare that thug avoid me. He’s a cheap excuse for Jay Z anyway. You know, I think that is why Beyonce is avoiding me and all my calls. She probably thinks Kanye is not as good as her man. Well, I’ll show her, him, them, Anna, everyone, (Break down into hysterical tears.)
KRIS: (Picks up leopard print iPhone) Kanye, this is Kris Jenner. It’s bad. And I have to get her out of New York City tonight. Now get your over exposed ass over here and help me with this. We had a deal. And you better help out or I will tell the press everything.
A SHORT TIME LATER
KANYE: Kris, I got here as soon as I heard. But what can I do?
KRIS: I don’t know, but something. She is in her room sedated.
KANYE: On what?
KRIS: A special blend I created over the years for when the girls get too hysterical or demanding.
KANYE: Inject?
KRIS: In the ass, they don’t feel it.
KANYE: Well, I called Anna again and she said no way, no how.
KRIS: Well, then you can’t go.
KANYE: Are you high, woman? Don’t forget who you are talking to.
KRIS: And vice versa.
KANYE: We need to get you and your baby girl out of town by sundown brown.
KRIS: Suggetions?
KANYE: Get another dose of that crap ready. I am calling Jazy Z to use his plane and you guys will wake up in sunny California.
KRIS: Us guys? What about you?
KANYE: Look, lady, if you think I am missing the biggest night in fashion for the sake of our cockadoodle romance, well think again. We made a deal to help you get Kim’s ass back in good graces. And I did my part. Now go get that needle, bitch. (Starts texting)
KIM ENTERS.
KIM: (Groggy) What’s everyone yelling about?
KRIS: We weren’t yelling dear. Look Kanye is here to see you.
KIM: Kanye, baby. I want to wear a gold lame dress tomorrow. What are you wearing? Maybe you should wear a gold tuxedo so we can wow the press. And show Anna that we are the Oscars of her silly little party.
KRIS: (Sotto) She’s three sheets to the wind. Just say anything. It’s like she is sleep walking.
KANYE: Great idea. I happen to have a gold tuxedo and we will look like a million dollars.
KRIS gets another syringe ready.
KIM: Oh Kanye, pretend dating you is so much fun. (Hugs him as Kris injects her butt.)
KRIS: That ought to do it.
KIM: Kanye, your tickling me.
KIM PASSES OUT COLD.
KANYE: Let’s get her on the couch. They’ll be here any minute to take you guys to Teterboro Airport.
FADE TO BLACK
