“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Last night’s debate between Delaware Senate hopefuls Christine O’Donnell and Chris Coons was as good as television gets, politically speaking. Who would have thunk that a face-off for the Delaware Senate would be the most talked about debate since Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? Any way you slice it, this was riveting television and what made it entertaining was O’Donnell’s facial reactions anytime Coons opened his mouth. We are at a moment in history where inconsequential people are setting the tone for the future of our democracy. If you string together Christine O’Donnell’s television appearances from her days on Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect, you will see a goofy, confident woman with a deer in the headlights quality for acting as if she knows what she is talking about. When in reality, she is just yattling off the key talking points from Sarah Palin’s Tea Baggers Almanac, available at PALINFORPRESIDENT.TV. One can only imagine that prior to last night’s debate, O’Donnell reached out to Sarah Palin for advice and comfort in an effort to move their Tea Bagger agenda forward. Naturally, Sarah would have been more than happy to meet with her Mini-Me in order to secure another feather in her cap of utter nonsense. Here’s how that meeting went.

INT. BRISTOL PALIN DRESSING ROOM, DANCING WITH THE STARS – NIGHT

Sarah Palin is sitting in Bristol Palin’s dressing room watching Bristol squeeze into yet another sexy costume. Bristol is looking into the full length mirror, frustrated.
SARAH: You look beautiful…ish.
BRISTOL: I am way too nervous for you to be judging me.
SARAH: I am not judging you, dear. it’s just that…
There is a knock on the door.
BRISTOL: Who could that be?
SARAH: It’s Christine O’Donnell. I asked her to meet me here to talk through her upcoming debate.
BRISTOL: Are you kidding? Ma, I am a ball of nerves.
SARAH: Oh, Bristol, relax. She is one of us. (Call) Come in.
CHRISTINE: Hi Sarah. Thanks for seeing me. Oh wow, Bristol, you look like a…a…
SARAH: Million bucks. Come sit. Would you like a cup of tea? It’s a special brew that calms your nerves. Bristol drinks it all the time before she goes out there and makes a fool of herself and me.
CHRISTINE: I’d love some. (Sips) Mmm…lovely. I have my own special brew as well.
SARAH: So what can I do for you?
CHRISTINE: Just hoping to get a bit of sage advise from you. After all you are the master on debating and winking.
SARAH: I have watched your appearances on Politically Correct and think your bubbly nature will serve you well. Just make sure that you snicker and breathe hard a lot whenever Coons is talking.
CHRISTINE: Should I act like I am a messenger from God?
SARAH: Oh, yes. The Tea Baggers love that. After all, this is like a 90 minute ad for our cause. All you need to do is drive the point home that Democrats suck and we the people want to turn back time. (Beat) Wait…Turn Back Time! That should be our campaign song.
BRISTOL: I am sure the producers of Dancing With The Stars can get a hold of Cher. Shall I ask them?
SARAH: Better yet, get them to invite us to the premiere of Burlesque. We can hit her up then.
CHRISTINE: Anything else I should be aware of?
SARAH: Just know that if they ask you a question where you plum do not have a clue to the answer, just fluff it off and try to confuse the moderator by saying that Coons is a bearded Marxist.