“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Oh to be a fly on the wall at the Humphries kompound in Minnesota when Kim charged up there to show the paparazzi that she has a heart. And it’s broken. And she needs to redeem herself because she has been spending way too much time reading the many comments on all the blogs depicting her as a douche-bag for leaving Kris. In another episode of the Days Of Kim’s Lives…All Nine Of Them, an urgent call from Kris Jenner when Kim was in Australia went something like this:

INT. – GREEN ROOM – NYC LIVE – AFTERNOON

KRIS JENNER is getting ready to go on television to discuss her book, Kris Jenner… And All Things Kardashian. Flipping through her iPad, she is in shock reading all the comments from readers in response to the recent divorce flap. KRIS JENNER picks up her leopard iPhone and dials KIM KARDASHIAN.

KIM: (Cryptically) Who’s this?
KRIS JENNER: It’s your mother.
KIM: Who?
KRIS JENNER: Your  meal ticket. Kim dear. We over shot our load.
KIM: Mom, now what am I going to do? I am the brunt of everyone’s jokes.
KRIS JENNER: They are just jealous.
KIM: No they are not. They hate me. I don’t like being hated. I only want to be loved.
KRIS JENNER: Save that crap for the cameras for the next season of Kim & Kourtney Take Manhattan. We have to think.
KIM: La la la la la la la la la la.
KRIS JENNER: What are you doing?
KIM: I’m singing in the shower. I do all my best thinking when I am wet.
KRIS JENNER: Oh, brother. OK. Here’s the plan. You are going to cancel the rest of your Australian tour and go directly to Minnesota.
KIM: Are you high?
KRIS JENNER: Do you want to continue being the apple of everyone’s eye or are you content being called a heartbreaking, Hootchie Mama-wearing, money grubbing fame whore.
KIM: Ummmm….
KRIS JENNER: I’m hanging up. Start packing. I’ll arrange everything. See you in LA after my book tour, where I finally get a chance to be my own person and not stand in your shadows. (SOTTO)  Dumb bitch.

KRIS JENNER walks out of the Green Room and onto the set, flashing her pearly whites.

CUT TO:

The next scene is what actually happened in Minnesota when KIM KARDASHIAN confronted KRIS HUMPHRIES and his klan.

INT. KRIS HUMPHRIES KOMPOUND – DAY

There is a knock on the front door. KRIS HUMPHRIES’ entire family answers the door.

HUMPHRIES KLAN: Yeah, what do you want?
KIM: I’m here to see Kris.
HUMPHRIES KLAN: Well, he doesn’t want to see you.
KIM: I know he does, we just texted each other. (Kim shows them her leopard print iPhone.)
HUMPHRIES KLAN: Hey Kris, sheeeeee’s baaaaack.

KIM Enters the foyer. KRIS joins her.

KRIS: Well? To what do I deserve this honor?
KIM: Oh, Kris, let’s not quibble.
KRIS: Quibble? You left me high and dry.
KIM: Well?
KRIS: I have a right mind to sue you for palimony.
KIM: Now let’s be reasonable. I do not spend my days primping and plucking to give you half of my earnings. It’s a lot of hard work being me.
KRIS: Save that for someone that doesn’t know the inside track on you Kardashians witches. You left me, you gave me no fair warning, no respect and now I have to hang my head in shame if and when I ever get back to work.
KIM: Oh please, if you are going to live in this God forsaken part of the world you do not need to work another day in your life. You can live off the residuals from our sham television wedding event.
KRIS: Oh great. A daily reminder of my biggest mistake. That’s just great.
KIM: Mistake? Ha. Do you actually prefer running around a silly court, jumping in skimpy shorts playing with balls? And not necessarily in that order, mind you? I have seen a few of your games. What’s with all that ass patting anyway? It’s weird.
KRIS: Don’t try to compare basketball to… to… to… whatever it is you say that you do for a living. Lollygagging in front of a camera is all you do.
KIM: I did not come all the way here to no man’s land  to get ridiculed by you. I came here to show my fans, our fans, the fans that will continue to watch that stupid wedding special for years to come and putting cash in your pocket.
KRIS: And yours.
KIM: Whatever. I need to show the world that I am not a douche-bag.
KRIS: But you are, Blanche, you are.
KIM: I need to see a pastor.
KRIS: Smart, very smart. Throw in a little religion and self-righteousness into you your cauldron. Clearly this was your mother, the Wicked Witch of Calabasas’s idea.
KIM: Say what you want about Kris Kris, but she knows her shit. And I also want to buy back this engagement ring.
KRIS: What?
KIM: Yes, didn’t you read the pre-nup?
KRIS: What’s read?