“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Ooooh. It is getting juicier and dishier as the minutes tick. Surely, the Kardashian / Humphries debate is a welcome reprieve from those annoyingly boring Republican Debates where each week another candidate proves to be either a blithering idiot, unelectable, easily ignorable or certifiably insane. Not to mention perverted or unscrupulous. Oh, did I mention a pathological liar? Anyway, who cares about a group of people that spend their free time begging to be heard when we can enjoy the fruits of Mama Kris Jenner’s labor and watch this OJ Simpson-esque soap opera. I give you As The Stomach Turns, Episode 3, Oh Yeah? starring Kris Humphries, Bianka Kamber (his ex-girlfriend, pictured below) and his Random Family Members, whose names escapes us.

INT. KRIS HUMPHRIES DEN IN MINNESOTA – 3:00 AM

KRIS: There is no way they are going to get away with this.
BIANKA: You poor baby. Come to Mama.
KRIS: Not now. I have to think.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: (SOTTO) This can’t be good.
KRIS: What did you say?
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: Kim is no good…
KRIS: I almost feel bad for Kim because her whole family has pushed her around so much to get their own spot in the limelight.
BIANKA: Don’t believe that for one minute. I watch Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: You cannot be sympathetic to Kim. Not if you want to walk away from this mess with your head held high. Besides, if you come off like a woos, you will booed on the next basketball court you step on when and if you ever get hired again.
BIANKA: That’s right, Kris. You have to fight fire with fire.
KRIS: I refuse to get tangled up in some courtroom drama with that grandmother of hers, Bruce Jenner. She might act like an innocent bystander, but she is one of the producers, so she has plenty to say.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: It’s not Kim’s grandmother, Bruce is the step-father.
BIANKA: Well, he looks like one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
KRIS: Well he, she, whatever… they are about to get a whiff of something that does not smell like their cheap perfume.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: That’s the spirit boy. Get up and fight. You are a Humphries. You’re half black, damn it, go kick some ass.
BIANKA: I say we get a photographer here to take a picture of us at a kitchen table playing the board game Risk, which will show us strategizing on how to fight the Kardashian Klan.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: Photographer? What? Who are you again?
BIANKA: I am Kris’s ex-girlfreind from fourth grade. I have always loved the limelight… I mean your son.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: Well that is one stupid idea. We want him to fight fire with fire. Not press release with press release. Kris has to make a daring strong move. Not sit and play Scrabble.
BIANKA: Well, if they see that Kris is here in Minnesota surrounded by his family and a beautiful woman, surely that will get Kim’s goat.
KRIS: I don’t want to get Kim’s goat. I want to show the world that the whole thing was a fake. That I got duped. That I walked into a trap.
BIANKA: That will show how stupid you are, with all due respect.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: She has a point.
KRIS: Fraud is fraud. Look at all those smart people who got duped by Bernie Madoff.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER: Maybe you’re not so stupid after all.
KRIS: Aww, gee, thanks, Random Family Member.