“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

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The New York Post, a.k.a. the non-thinking man’s New York Times, has sunk to a new low. Granted, I read Page Six online daily, who doesn’t, but every other aspect of that rag is nothing I refer to for much. Now they have sunk yet to their lowest low. The Post just launched Ask Ashley, yes, that Ashley, as in Ashely Dupre, hooker extraordinaire, to be their resident love columnist (think the low to lower-middle class Carrie Bradshaw) for their fifty cent pooper scooper. Well, can you think of a better usage for The Post than that? Yes, now you can get all the sage advise on love, marriage and what a hooker needs to pack when visiting a trick across state lines. Ask Ashley will be the most informative new beat in town…as in beat my meat, anyway.

But, who is sad in this scenario? The idiots who actually write-in questions seeking her pearls of wisdom? Ashely Dupre for thinking what she has to say is worthy of an ask? Or Rupert Murdoch, for signing off on this? The idiots are surely leaning towards the saddest, because Ashley is getting paid, so she gets the last laugh. Though this is pretty sad for the Elliot Spitzer family, mostly Silda Wall Spitzer, really. As for Rupert, well since he is an old, tabloid whore…guilty of instigating the worldwide fascination with titillating gossip and celebrity hounding, he is not sad, just a smut peddler, masquerading as a media titan. His cultivation of sensationalist journalism in print and television (Glenn Beck and all those farkakteh right-wing cronies on Fox News) puts Murdoch in the “Anals of History”…I know it is annals…but I am trying to make a point here. Anyway, here’s a couple of examples of what I would imagine the answers would be from the pearl-meister herself…Miss Ashley (he liked to keep his socks on) Dupre.

How do I know if my daughter may be getting into trouble? — Meredith, 40, Queens

Dear Meredith, Check her knapsack while she’ sleeping for any form of paraphernalia like rolling paper or dildos. And if your little girl is carrying an Hermes Kelly bag, chances are she is already knee deep in hooking. Unless you live directly on the border of Queens and Long Island and gave her that bag for Hanukkah.

Are there telltale signs a man isn’t happy in his marriage? — J. Marshall, 37, East Village

My dear J, If your husband’s name is Peter Marshall, then yes. And he is quite a roll in the hay, I might add. You might consider going to a sex therapist so you two can try to rekindle that old black magic. And besides, I am getting really busy now and he is way too needy.

My boyfriend wants to know how many men I’ve slept with. Do I give an honest answer? –Anonymous, NYC

Dear Anony, Are you high? Of course not. If I fessed up for all the trade I schtupped, no one would ever wanna marry me. And the same goes for you. And (B) if you are even asking this question, this means you were a big ol’ whore. Just know we have weekly meetings at the St. Luke’s Church. Check it out, you are not alone…on the contrary.