“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

In the Golden Days of Hollywood, no one cared about much besides the stars of stage and screen. Tallulah Bankhead, Bette Davis, Katherine Hepburn, Clark Cable, the list goes on. Seems like we have graduated (or what’s the opposite of that?) to be far more concerned with the whereabouts and goings on of the lowest of lowbrows of our society. The Nobody Newzzz is back and we have plenty to crow about. Crow as in old crow because the top story this week is about the Salahis. You will remember Michaele and Tartiq Salahi, that couple of Gross Baboons who crashed the White House state dinner and went on to become America’s Next Top Douche Bags. Reports of her sexual prowess with singer Neal Schon from Journey have escalated to where we are embroiled in a geriatric-noir sexual caper of tremense proportions. Illicit photos, bed-hopping, kid-napping, all the things that middle-aged people should do in the privacy of their own home, not on TMZ. This reminds me of the song, not by Journey, rather, that minstrel song, Old Folks At Home. Feh.

The other big Nobody Newzzz item involves the Hatfields & McCoys of Alaska a.k.a. the Palins versus the Johnstons. Seems like our boy Levi has written a book in retaliation to the one that Bristol wrote, trashing her ex. My biggest question is, neither of them can write, right? There is nothing Montague and Capulet about this saga, rather we seem to be tuned into a bunch of corn husking low-lives who play the media like a fiddle, as we twang away. In the tome, Deer In The Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, such a brilliant title, Levi sets the record straight about sex, drugs sans rock ‘n’ roll. This quinella is a barrel of laughs and is definitely keeping Sarah Palin at bay from running for the White House. If you ask me, the whole thing is a Republican conspiracy to keep Rick Perry in the top spot for the Republican nominee. So many nobodies, so little time.