“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

I MEAN…WHAT?!? presents Apples and Oranges, a new feature by Merle Ginsberg (Editor-in-Cheif, fashionrules.com) and Abe Gurko. This new column is a dialogue between two veteran style mavens as we trash…I mean…comment on The Best and Worst Dressed of the MTV AWARDS. Why Apples and Oranges? Well, Merle is based in Los Angeles and I am in New York…hence the fruity reference. Though Merle is currently in Tel Aviv on assignment, we still can call it Apples and Oranges because Israel has those kick-ass Jaffa oranges.

The plan was to do the 5 Best and 5 Worst Dressed girls on the MTV Movie Awards Red Carpet. Well, I really tried hard to find 5 Best but simply could not. As far as I am concerned there were more like 10 worst dressed (at least) and only one Best Dressed. Merle and I SKYPED first thing this morning…and because great minds think alike, we shared many feelings or rather reactions. Herewith, is the first edition of Apples and Oranges. The goal is to do and A & O Report for every awards show…heck…I’d love to do this for every major event.

MERLE: I have to say – this year was not as wretched as I expected it to be.

ABE: That is not a compliment.

MERLE: Lindsay came as a train-wreck, no surprises there.

ABE: Lindsay was clearly channeling Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company.

MERLE: The mini’s were very mini.

ABE: The year of Hoochie Mammas.

MERLE: Christina Aguilera and Katy Perry looked like it was the MTV Halloween Real World special.

ABE: Well put.

MERLE: Cameron Diaz looking like she slept in her clothes IS a good visual – but no doubt, we haven’t seen the end of her or that.

ABE: She might have come there straight from Alex Rodriguez’s boudoir.

MERLE: Let’s start with the five worst dressed. Leading the pack was Katy Perry. What was she thinking? It is as though she want to get into acting like her fiance Russell Brand, and wants to be Sheena of the Jungle, as directed by James Cameron. Hence the royal blue wig. The weirdly bead-sprinkled mini – for maxi exposure – is by Zuhair Murad – which to me means, John Galliano did NOT take her call. Neither did Dolce OR Gabbana. Katy, there’s a difference between outrage and costume. Exposure and disguise. Ask Russell about it – he’s good at it.

ABE: The both are pretty catch me, catch me. They are a perfect couple.

MERLE: Couple of whats??? And The neon yellow nails are just icing on a pretty sickeningly sugary cake. Next is Lindsay Lohan wearing that Pamela Roland Las Vegas hooker jumpsuit.

ABE: You know my feeling on that look. Anything to cover the ankle sobriety bracelet.

MERLE: With her hair so pale blond, Lindsay seems to be attempting to channel the young Ann Margaret. Well, bye bye birdy – it ain’t workin’!!

ABE: I loved her as a redhead.

MERLE: Somebody give Paul Verhoven a call – Linsday could star in the sequel to “Showgirls.”

ABE: From Linda Lovelace to another kind of hooker. Genius. And what was with this trend of one shoulder nonsense?

MERLE: Exactly, which brings me to my next worst dressed, Audrina Patridge. That fabric looks like bullet proof Mylar. Dear, tell your stylist to  stop pulling at Rampage. Even Forever Twenty-One never carried a dress this tacky.

ABE: One good shoulder deserves another, if you ask me.

MERLE: Anna Kendrick is way too short for that red/pink floral micro mini. She’s been spending too much time around vampires, but this flimsy dress in the color of blood just isn’t doing her any good. I call it English garden party frock that gets hacked off with a lawnmower.

ABE: Ouch. I think she is a bit overrated anyway.

MERLE: Rounding out my worst list was Whitney Port in that bandage dress, which were big – in the nineties. And when it WAS in, it was NOT yellow – with burn out fabric underneath. This dress makes her look like a peeled lemon waiting for a summer cocktail. It really IS a lemon.

ABE: I can’t believe you didn’t include Eva Mendez in that Wilma Flintstone nonsense…with one shoulder to boot. Why she didn’t go Francisco Costa and wear a cool, simple Calvin Klein dress is beyond me. It is as though tacky is the new black.

ABE: As for the best dressed, I only had Scarlett Johansson on my list.

MERLE: Agreed. She looked lovely. But I guess I am not a unforgiving as you are. I had  few other favorites. Here they are in no particular order:

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana
Vanessa Hudgens in Jenny Packham
Sandra Bullock

ABE: She looked great but I would have preferred one more inch onto the length.

MERLE: Jessica Biel, so French and lovely. Jessica chose chic, Parisian and playful over obvious sex bomb. This girl has class. She dresses in a consistently dignified way – like a real movie star. Now she needs a better movie than “The A Team.” I also really liked Kristen Stewart in that Dolce & Gabbana.

ABE: Dolce & Gabbana really dressed a lot of girls. Can’t wait to see who wears what tonight at the CFDA AWARDS.