Not trying to outdo Barbara Walters, but surely after seeing her choices for Ten Most Fascinating People, I have been advised–and well-advised at that–to create my own annual Ten Most Fotz-inating People since Walters’ choices have been so banal… kinda like the people that grace the pages of I Mean What?!? Barbara Walters has become an unofficial correspondent to IMW since she made selections so beneath her acknowledgement that it is mind boggling. Herman Cain? Yikes. As we award Gross Baboons throughout the year, we decided to put the grossest of the Gross Baboons on the Ten Most Fotz-inating List just to tie in the horrendosity of these particular humans.
My Ten Most Fotz-inating People (in no particular order):
1. Brooke Mueller: Anyone that does gobs on cocaine while touting to the media what a great mother she is goes right on this list. One must fully admire her ability to keep her hair looking great though, because most drug addicts looks like crap. Does this mean she is a functioning drug addict? No. She just has a gay tucked away somewhere with a blow dryer.
2. Sara Leal: Naturally, her 15 Seconds of Fame are over, but the path of destruction that Sara left behind still looms large. Case in point: Demi Moore. Leal is the skank that slept with Ashton Kutcher hence destroying one of the best loved Cougar Romances of all time. Granted, Ashton is a bit of a douche too, but since Sara went directly to the media with her illicit affair, this makes her gross AND fotz-inating. Imagine the fear levels Leal suffers now from cougars everywhere. She should put herself in a cage.
3. Marcus “Lady” Bachmann: Anyone who thinks they have the godly powers to make gay guys straight are well…certain straight women (a.k.a. Fag Hags). There even was an episode on Seinfeld where Elaine tries to do this…to no avail. How often have we heard “What a shame that he is gay. Bet you I can turn him.” Think again lady and Lady Bachmann, while I am at it. Imagine the audacity of hope to think you can get government subsidies to host anti-gay classes. I would kill to see the syllabus at Marcus Men. I also wonder if part of the de-gaying process includes massage with release to get it out of your system once and for all.
4. Courtney Stodden: Look anyone that is forty years old and passes–in the eyes of the media, surely not by me–themselves off as Sweet 16 gets close to the top of this list. This girl has managed to go where no woman has gone before her through regular injectibles. Courtney is, however, a great role model for the girls on MTV’s Sixteen and Pregnant because she lives by example that their is another way to live: Become a skank not just a stupid slut.
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Please, do I even need to elaborate? Besmirching a Kennedy is possibly the worst crime in the books. Arnold made it so that my cleaning lady Rosa looks at me cross eyed lately. Now I am hesitant to ask her to fold my laundry where my underwear resides. Hasta la vista, plenty.
6. Anyone Against Gay Marriage: All these politicians and Tea Baggers that claim marriage is exclusively between a man and a woman, clearly do not know Ellen and Portia. This is a civil rights issue. Period. To say that our laws should not evolve is saying that blacks should still have their own bathrooms and women should not be allowed to vote. As a nation that claims to lead the world, we need to keep up with the times not just the Joneses.
7. Charlie Sheen: Though he has been laying low… wisely, Sheen still has to be included in this year’s list because of the sheer mayhem he caused throughout the Tiger Blood phase. Granted now he is in the battle of his life to stuff Brooke back into an obscurity jar, which by the looks of it shows that he has his hands full.
8. Sarah Palin: Just because Sarah Palin IS stuffed back into an obscurity jar, does not keep her safe from the wrath of me. Her “cross-hair” comment around the time of the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords keeps a spot on this list safe and warm for the gun-happy, governor-quitting, reality star. Good news is that she was recently turned down for a new show focusing on her husband Todd’s snowmobiling obsession. Get this, she was partnering up with Survivor producer Mark Burnett, which shows me that he is desperate to do something else besides traipsing around remote islands with grimy nobodies. Now he can freeze is tuches off in Alaska with a couple of nobodies and see if HE can survive that.
9. Donald Trump: Sorry Baba Wawa, you cannot covet Donald Trump. I will just focus on his upgrade of the Miss USA Pageant from promoting pretty, wholesome girls to boobie-bearing, wanna-be Victoria’s Secret-ish call-girl looking things. Did those hairdos need updating? Yes. Did their pageant clothes need some refashioning? Yes. Did they need to do promotional images in only bras and panties? No.
10. The Congress & The Republican Presidential Nominees: Surely I am not alone when you consider the posturing and shenanigans of this clinking clanking clattering collection of collagenous junk.