Though Oprah has never been married to Stedman Grant, they did just birth a baby. A baby network that is. Our reigning queen of television has just popped out The Oprah Winfrey Network, OWN, which sums up the whole deal. According to Oprah, Stedman named the new tyke. Considered by many as our Princess Di, Oprah, not content with that title alone, along with cornering every other form of media, wanted to do pull a Ted Turner by starting her own network. A network true to her belief system. For Ted, it was wanting to deliver world news all day, all night. We see how that never came to fruition. For Oprah, the goal is to deliver touchy-feely hooey, 24-hours a day. Can you imagine how many reruns of Dr. Phil we are all about to be accosted with? I can’t listen to his blather on regular network television, let alone on a loop somewhere on Channel 593.
A signature network means lots of time to fill kiddies. The Oxygen Network, Oprah’s first outing, which they called Oh! (to subtly promote Oprah’s involvement) was a bit of a debacle, if you consider at how many times they rerun Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, Janice Dickinson’s Modeling Agency and other nonsensical programming. It’s a simple equation, there are 168 hours in a week. That’s a lot of airtime to fill, especially if it is all about feeling good and happy thoughts. We will soon feel like that character in A Clockwork Orange, being forced to watch the horrors of non-stop self-improvement hullabaloo and wanting to die from the torture.
Get ready reality show lovers, you are about to get endless hours of new shows featuring the likes of Tatum and Ryan O’Neal, as they rekindle their strained relationship in the hopes that regular folks can learn from their absolutely retarded mistakes and have an AHA! moment of their own. No doubt that series will be sponsored by AT&T, so when you want to call your long, lost daddy, there will be a special Android with your childhood phone numbers programmed in just for you.
Imagine the brainstorming sessions in the OWN reality show division:
Gail King to host BFF: Bringing best friends together onto a her talk format to discuss being accused of lesbianism. Special guest for season opener will be Suzie Orman to share when she finally decided to come out. Cooking segments included.
Nate Berkus to host Snap: A How-To show for decorating cookie cutter rooms with cookie cutter decorating ideas from his cookie cutter design books. Cooking segments included.
Bob Greene to host Crack The Whip: Oprah’s well-documented fitness trainer to host a fitness show featuring Bob as dominatrix with a whip as he beats and terrorizes fatsos on a treadmill, lower body work and abdominal floor work. The goal is for his guests to not look like Oprah after the 8 Week sessions. Cooking segments included.
Art Smith & Tal Ronen Battle of the Chefs: These two well-known chefs have been in the good graces of Oprah and this is the show that secures one of them in the top spot once and for all. It is a cook-off to their deaths to heighten viewership. Cooking segments galore included.