“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Three point two million people tuned in to watch As The Stomach Turns, Episode 2, The War of the Roses. I chose to watch Homeland and Dexter instead of this fabricated nonsense. The thought that I was so right about how Kris & Kim’s divorce would play out so publicly makes me sad. But rather than lament on the shortcomings of our culture and how we spend our viewing time, let’s take a peek into what really was said at the above photo shoot, which from the looks of these sour pusses, was shot way into the terminally ill portion of the Kris & Kim union.

INT. – MILK STUDIOS – LOS ANGELES – DRESSING ROOM #1 – ALL FRIGGEN DAY

KOURTNEY: Can you believe what jerks we are involved with?
KIM: Don’t remind me. Let’s just enjoy this photo shoot and pretend that the men are not even here.
KOURTNEY: Come to think of it Kim, I am a little annoyed at you for upstaging my tumultuous relationship with Scott. That is clearly my ongoing storyline.
KIM: Well, it is not like I planned for Kris to be a capitol jerk-off.
KOURTNEY: That’s because you are clueless. We all spotted that a mile away. We knew it was going to be trouble by just looking at him.
KIM: What does that even mean?
KOURTNEY: The height difference alone was ridiculous. Besides, you have nothing in common with him.
KIM: Look who is calling the pot a kettle. Or the kettle a pot or the black kettle… oh you know what I mean. Scott is plenty annoying and what pray tell do you have in common with him? Booze?
KOURTNEY: I am not a drinker.
KIM: I rest my case. I put up with him all these years because you are my sister and I love you and think you are insane for staying with him.
KOURTNEY: Scott and I have a child together. What’s your excuse.
KIM: Well, let’s just hope Mason is the last in that family line.
KOUTRNEY: Well? If you must know.
KIM: Don’t even tell me. This show is all supposed to be about me and that douche in the other room.
KOURTNEY: I can’t help it if I give in to temptation every few years. Besides Mom told me that it would be the only way to save our careers once your sham marriage ended in divorce.
KIM: Shhhhh….
KOURTNEY: Kris is bad news. And he looks a little dense.
KIM: That’s my douche bag, I mean, husband you are talking about. I never bad mouthed your alcoholic, money-scamming, two-bit peddler… as much I wanted to.
KOURTNEY: You didn’t have to, it was written all over your face. It comes through all that shellack and varnish.

CUT TO:

INT. – MILK STUDIOS – LOS ANGELES – DRESSING ROOM #2 – ALL FRIGGEN DAY

SCOTT: This will be the longest shoot ever. You do realize that.
KRIS: What’s another wasted day Keeping Up With The Kardouche-ians.
SCOTT: Look buddy, these gals are giving you a livelihood.
KRIS: (Beat) I am not an animal.
SCOTT: Huh?
KRIS: I am an athlete. I play basketball. I wear shorts and run around and sweat for a living. I don’t stand around and read lines fed to me by Kim’s grandmother, Bruce Jenner.
SCOTT: That’s not her grandmother, he is their stepfather.
KRIS: Well, you could have fooled me.
SCOTT: Clearly that’s not a hard thing to do.
KRIS: Hey, what do you mean by that.
SCOTT: You didn’t see the Truman Show Trap that the Kardouche-ians, kinda love that, set up for you to walk right into?
KRIS: I don’t know what you mean.
SCOTT: Exactly. They wanted a big, hot dummy to walk into Kim’s life so they could set up all the trappings like the multimillion dollar wedding, the divorce…
KRIS: What divorce?
SCOTT: Ooops.

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