“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Oh, this ain’t over, honey. The drama between Kim Kardashian Humphries, née Kardashian & Kris Humphries Kardashian, née Humphries is simply the kick-off to what will be the biggest soap opera saga to hit the airwaves since Luke & Laura from General Hospital. For those of you who don’t know what the hell I am talking about, Luke and Laura were soap opera royalty back in the day and their wedding, which aired on November 17, 1981 was watched by 30,000,000 viewers. Eat that Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event in two parts. One part scam and the other part nonsense. Let’s just say that reality television will never play as well as scripted. Hence, I give you…

The Days Of Kim’s Lives: All Nine Of Them

INT.  KARDASHIAN KASTLE  –  KIM’S BOUDOIR  –   HALLOWEEN EARLY MORNING

KIM KARDASHIAN lays sprawled out like a Swastika on her round fluffy, girlie bed in her fluffy, girlie bedroom. KRIS HUMPHRIES sits in a chair plucking the petals off a daisy.

KRIS: Du liebst mich, du liebst mich nicht. Du liebst mich, du liebst mich nicht.
KIM: What the …?
KRIS: (Plucking last petal.) Du liebst mich nicht.
KIM: I leeb you, I leeb you, Baby. Now leeb me alone. (Picks up leopard print iPhone and dials.) Ma. Help. (Hangs up.)
KRIS: Your mother is coming over? Again?
KIM: Look, she made me what I am today.
KRIS: (SOTTO) Which is what exactly?
KIM: And if she wants to come over, she can come over any little ol’ time she wants.

KIM texts furiously. Clearly, she is Tweeting her heart out.

KRIS: I’m not saying she can’t.
KIM: Well, that’s good because who gives a shit what you want. I thought I married a basketball player. Now what… you’re like a basket weaver.
KRIS: Hey, it’s not like I chose this lock out.
KIM: Where’s your Plan B?
KRIS: (SOTTO) You are my Plan B, silly.
KIM: And don’t look at me, you big oaf. I am nobodies meal-ticket.
KRIS: (SOTTO) Nobody being the operative word.
KIM: I know what you’re thinking. How dare you?
KRIS: I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t even know what I am thinking.  When I look at you, I only think of love. (SOTTO) And how I love the fact that we split the fifteen million dollar jackpot from our wedding gig. Except that your mom scammed us but good.
KIM: Hey, I know you don’t love my family. Almost as much as I don’t love yours. And that they don’t love me either. So we are all even somehow.
KRIS: You’re imagining things. I love your Mom (SOTTO) the scam artist that she is.
KIM: Save that crap for your doofus family. My sisters and I…
KRIS: (SOTTO) Are annoying.

Doorbell Rings. KRIS JENNER clad in leopard print trench from Kardashian Kollection @ Sears (sponsored message) enters hurriedly.

KRIS JENNER:I got here as fast as I could, baby. Has he been bothering you?
KIM: Mom, tell him.
KRIS: Tell me what?
KRIS JENNER: Kris.
KRIS: Yes, Kris.
KRIS JENNER: Kris… Kris… well…
KRIS: Kris, just say it.
KRIS JENNER:We are filing for divorce. It’s nothing personal.
KRIS: Kimmie? Is this true? Is this really happening?
KRIS JENNER: Dear…
KRIS: I am not talking to you Kris. Kim. Look at me. You need to tell me to my face.
KIM: (Crocodile tears flowing.) Yes, Kris. It’s true. We’ve decided.
KRIS: We’ve? We’ve? What’s with this we’ve business.
KRIS JENNER: Ken Paves sponsored Kim’s weave.
KIM: Our minds are made up. I am filing for divorce.
KRIS: Just like that? Our? We’ve. What about you?
KRIS JENNER: Kim is me. We are one person. It’s all done with mirrors through the years. She is nothing without me. I am like that man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz.

KRIS JENNER takes off her Christian Louboutin shoe and hits Kim only to show that this is true and the mirror version of KIM KARDASHIAN shatters in pieces leaving KRIS JENNER alone with KRIS.

KRIS JENNER: You see Kris. (Suggesting.) We Krises belong together.
KRIS: Get me the hell out of here. This is the scariest Halloween ever. (Flees boudoir.)

Stay tuned tomorrow for more of The Days Of Kris’ Lives…