“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Last week in the episode The Gala Snub, we learned that there is little love lost or gained between Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian. Though their men are on tour together, the sideline photo op of these two women has not been taken. Something tells me that if Beyoncé has her druthers, it never will see the light of day. Not with her BFF being Gwenyth Paltrow. Word on the streets is that Jay Z and Beyoncé with Baby Blue or Jet Blue whatever that kid’s name is will live in London for the summer while the Game of Thrones or Watch The Throne or whatever the name of the Kanye and Jay Z’s tour is, hits Europe. A Kardashian source told Gatecrasher in New York Daily News that Kim Kardashian would “live and breathe to hang out with Beyoncé.” Well, duh. You don’t have to be an insider to tell us something so obvi. Anyway, here’s how that all went down.

INT. KARDASHIAN KOMPOUND – NIGHT

KIM KARDASHIAN is singing Crazy In Love into the mirror. Stops and notices something on her face and begins investigating every square millimeter of herself. KHLOE enters.

KHLOE: You’re going to get an aneurism if you keep staring at yourself.
KIM: Oh, pshaw. I thought I saw a freckle, which I originally thought may be a crease of some sort.
KHLOE: You mean a wrinkle?
KIM: Shh. Don’t even say that word. I was just at Dr. Klein’s last week. It should have kicked in by now.
KHLOE: What’s with the luggage? Where do you think you are going?
KIM: London.
KHLOE: London? For what?
KIM: Kanye is going to tour in Europe and Jay Z and Beyoncé just rented a house there for the summer.
KHLOE: Our season has started, dear. Does Momager know?
KIM: Well???? I was hoping you could help me with this.
KHLOE: Help? How? You need to be here to film the mindless blather that is our lives.
KIM: Ugh, I got to go London and become BFFs with Beyoncé. It’s as simple as that.
KHLOE: What’s simple is you. Now get real. Forget London. We have to film the episode when I break a heel  on the subway grate trying to re-enact Marilyn Monroe from The Seven Year Itch.
KIM: I read that script and think it’s ridic. And besides, Kourtney can fill in for me. I am going to London period.
KHLOE: How sad can you get sniffing at the heels of Beyoncé. She’s not that into you.
KIM: Yet.

KANYE enters.

KANYE: Hey, baby.
KHLOE: Kanye, can you please tell my sister that she has to stay in New York and film our show, not lollygag around London.
KIM: Don’t listen to her, Kanee Bear. KiKi wants to go to London with her Kanee Bear.
KHLOE: I am vomiting.
KANYE: She has a point. I mean, I am gonna be working there. And you have to work too.
KIM: Look you two, I am going to be up Beyoncé’s ass if it’s the last thing I do. I want there to be a photo op of both of our booties together. Period.
KHLOE: She, like Anna, thinks you’re annoying.
KANYE: Ixnay on the Anna Wintour Ay.
KHLOE: And what do you care anyway? You are higher up the list of most influential celebrities on Forbes 100 List this year.
KANYE: Is she higher than me?
KHLOE: Def. And she is higher than Jay Z and Angelina Jolie and plenty of others.
KANYE: And what about me and Jay Z? Who is higher?
KHLOE: (Sotto to Kim) He must be high if he things he’s higher than Jay Z.
KANYE: (Grabs Forbes magazine) Give me that woman. (Shocked) What the f…
KHLOE: Look, I am way down the totem pole but who cares? We are on the friggen list. Now let’s move on and put an end to this game of follow the bouncing Beyoncé.
KANYE: Kim is number 7 on this list. And based on that, she should come with us on tour. What are you, just jealous?
KHLOE: I have my black man, honey. And we actually do it. I don’t need to follow his ass around, he does that for me.
KANYE: Don’t even try and put me and Lamar “I used to play basketball” Odom in the same sentence. I am the king.
KIM: Hence the throne.
KHLOE: You two make me sick. Your PR charade has gone on long enough and people see right through it.
KIM: Our love is real.
KHLOE: Oh, save that for Life and Style magazine girl. I know the truth.
KANYE: The truth is you are jealous of Kim, you always were and always will be.
KHLOE: Ha. Let’s just see what the truth is here. Kanye, kiss Kim.
KANYE: I don’t have to anything.
KIM: That’s right. Kanye is the king.
KHLOE: Kiss her. I know there’s no cameras around here now. Just kiss her. Go on now.
KANYE: No.
KIM: I’ll kiss him.
KHLOE: No, Kim, you would kiss a frog if it offered a kingdom. Kanye, do it. I dare you.
KANYE: I hate you.
KIM: Khloe, stop.
KHLOE: I knew it. This romance is as fake as the diamond that Kim wore at the wedding to Kris Humphries. You guys are pathetic.

KHLOE Exits.

KIM: That was stressful.
KANYE: You’re coming with me baby, or at least meeting me there for a few photo ops.
KIM: Oh Kanye, I love you.

Kim goes to hump Kanye but he stops her and they both break into a rendition of Crazy in Love.