Last month I did a piece called the Nobody News, which is about a bunch of nobodies…that seem to be somebody…to a bunch of nobodies. If you do not know what I just said, it pretty much sums up our current media fascination with plucked-out-of-obscurity “notables”. That and a couple of “celebrities” thrown into the mix, a.k.a. people I couldn’t care less about. However, do I stand alone? Looking at today’s news reports, it was clear that the Nobody News was aching for a comeback. With that, I give you this.
Look, I love stupid reality shows like the rest of the brain dead world, but Brittny Gastineau is a total yikes. Just because Bruno interviewed her in the film, which is a goof on a goof anyway, this does not make her newsworthy. Would someone please explain that to the rest of the planet?
OK. I know I've reported on this woman plenty. But I am ready to retire this face, cheeks or no cheeks. Like I need to know she is going to visit that lipless baboon in the slammer? No.
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Like I care about a guy who head-bangs fashion designers? Keifer Sutherland was caught in a heavy make-out session on the 12th Street Hudson River Pier? I am breching (vomit in Yiddish.) A) Get a room and B) I never watched even one episode of "24", so I especially don't give a damn about what he is up to.
Christian Siriano has cut a deal with Starbucks. Let me get this straight, coffee mugs are going to have little black hoodies? The foam on the venti-soy-mocha-chino-cappuccinos are going to have bangs instead of foam? What?
Yeah, yeah. Everybody loves Lady Gaga. She is the style maven to many. You know, frankly, the Bjork swan outfit really is beginning to look like couture next to this crap. What, Sesame Street is sponsoring her tour? Get me out of here.
Like it's not bad enough that Perez Hilton tracks these girls every move, now we need the general media on the case as well? Let's officially leave Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson alone already. A) Who really cares? B) Who really cares? and C) Who really cares?
I was never much of a Billy Joel fan, especially after he and Christie Brinkley split. Then when he married that gold digger, I became less of a fan and now that he and Elton John are out on the Depends Tour, I care even less. So, he's dating again? That's interesting. ZZZZ.
Steven Baldwin, the Christian Manzie, is filing for Chapter 11. I didn't know he was a clothing manufacturer.
I simply couldn't do a Nobody News report without including the world's biggest nobody Jon Gosselin. Shown here with his new, 22- year old media-gold digger and admitted bi-sexual, Hailey Glassman, who is a new kind of gold digger, one that is less concerned with the dollars and keen on the notoriety. Hailey is a nice Jewish girl, whose parents must be breching (see Keifer Sutherland image). She is a long-time family friend of the Gosselins. And if someone can explain that situation to me, I am all ears. These two love birds are officially nobody squared.
My favorite nobodies populate Bravo and VH1. all reality, all the time. They get Z list former celebs to have a dating show, and then take the most annoying 'contestant' and give her a show of her own. wtf??? Don't get me started on Bravo. I got lost in the channels the other day and was scarred permanently by their programming.
Talking about nobodies. You should have seen the audience filled with pretentious nobodies and their posses at the Mercedes Benz Swim Shows in Miami this weekend. Air kissing withstanding, their attitude definately fits the definition of wanna be big fishes in a little pond.