“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

As an aging beauty, well, aging anyway, I am forever on the prowl for amazing moisturizers. My mother taught me at an early age to slather on the moisturizer. She was a Ponds Cold Cream and Helena Rubinstein addict. I guess my tendency for addictions comes from her. I have spent the last 30 years going from one moisturizer to another, since Helena Rubinstein went out of business, and left to my own devices. Until last year, I had been using Queen Helene Grape Seed Extract Skin Firming Cream, until that was taken off the market. I snapped up every last jar of Queen Helene from remote retailers and have been nervous about running out, not having found a replacement. Until now.

I was recently in Beverly Hills and ducked into a weird little, dark store that turned out to be Mickey Fine’s Annex on Bedford. Mickey Fine is the pharmacist to the stars and who knew he had an annex, or needed one. Anyway, I asked for their best moisturizer and they handed me Egyptian Magic. This on the very day that the Egyptians rid Hosni Mubarak of his duties. I thought surely the Egyptians had magic all around them. After all, they had Cleopatra in their arsenal of fierceness. And any money bet that Mickey Fine fills all of Elizabeth Taylor‘s prescriptions.

To the point, Egyptian Magic lives up to its name. It does wonders for your skin and scalp, I would drink it if I could. As a new loyal fan, I did some research only to find out that Madonna is obsessed with it. Now if anyone knows how to defy gravity, it is her. Yes, this is the best kept celebrity secret. It must have something to do with embalming, since Egyptians are known for their tombs and such.  Bet you my bottom dollar, and that’s not a lot, that Madonna has researched the ancient Egyptian secrets of wrapping and embalming. If there is such thing as Egyptian Magic, Madge is going to find it.

Here is what it says on the label:

Egyptian Magic, The People’s Choice”

Peace and Many Blessings unto You:

My name is Lord-Pharaoh ImHotep-AmonRa, CEO, founder and manufacturer of the Egyptian Magic All-Purpose Skin Cream “The People’s Choice,” and I AM HUMBLED AND HONORED TO BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.

Egyptian Magic All-Purpose Skin Cream “The People’s Choice” is new to your market. It is a phenomenal healing balm with legendary powers due to its unique mixture of all natural ingredients derived only from living plants and organisms. Egyptian Magic All-Purpose Skin Cream “The People’s Choice” has been on the market since August 1991 with a solid track record, a loyal word of mouth following, and twice the healing power for half the price of conventional skin creams.

Read my theory posted on The Huffington Post from last summer on how to deal with the Gulf Oil Crisis, Oil of Oy Vey.