As the continuing saga of Kris & Kim continues to veer off the course of respectability, the dishy new headline is, Kim Claims That Kris Is Gay in Star magazine, that bastion of truth. The name for this episode is The Days of Kim’s Lives…Say What, Miss Thing? One cannot fathom that a guy would not want to pounce on Kim’s booty, making her wonder whether Kris is gay. Why else does he watch copious amounts of sports shows? I’ll admit that I watch an occasional football game and stare at the tight end’s tight end, but only when the games run long on Sunday nights and into my 60 Minutes viewing hour. The point is: I look. And I wonder if Kim has a point. Nah. She’s just playing the media like a fiddle and is desperately trying to sway her legion of fans that are doubting her and thinking that she is the fraud that Kris is accusing her of being. Let’s peek into how this recent development has effected our ex-love birds.
INT. KARDASHIAN KALABASAS KOMPOUND KITCHEN – DAWN
KRIS JENNER is sipping a cup of coffee from a leopard print mug and looking at the screen of her leopard print iPad3 (advanced prototype). She sees something that makes her rush to the intercom button.
KRIS JENNER: Attention Sears Shoppers. Wake up and report to the kitchen. And make it snappy. Run, don’t walk. Wake up. (Back to iPad3.) Oh. My. God.
KENDALL, KYLIE and KOURTNEY enter the kitchen.
KRIS JENNER: Girls, this is going to be a krazy day. Our friends at the Star magazine printed the story that Kim says that Kris is gay on the cover. Where is your sister?
KENDALL: I think she’s throwing up.
KYLIE: Yeah, I heard some hacking from the bathroom that sounds an awful lot like the girl’s bathroom at school after lunch.
KOURTNEY: She better not be pregnant. That’s be like the second time she’d be stealing my storyline. I will kill her.
KRIS JENNER How can she be pregnant? Kris wasn’t touching her after the honeymoon.
KOURTNEY: Do the math. Anything is possible. And why does this have to have anything to do with Kris. Just sayin’.
KYLIE & KENDALL: Ooooh.
KRIS JENNER: Now shush. Kim must be very upset and we all have to support her. Especially if she told the Star something that is not true.
KIM enters the kitchen holding her leopard print iPad3 (advanced prototype).
KIM: I don’t feel good.
KRIS JENNER: Sit dear, have some coffee.
KIM: What on Earth am I going to do? I never said, “Kris was gay”. I just said, “Kris is so gay”. Doesn’t anyone know the difference between those two statements?
KRIS JENNER: Perhaps they misunderstood what you were saying. They misquoted you, dear. It was taken out of context. We’ll put a press release together to have ready just in case.
KOURTNEY: Gay or otherwise, this situation will not just blow over. Operative word blow. Kim, did you just throw up?
KIM: What are you saying?
KOURTNEY: That you just better not be pregnant. That’s all.
KIM: Pregnant? How? Osmosis? Kris didn’t touch me.
KOURTNEY: And your point?
EXT. HUMPHRIES HOUSE MINNESOTA BACKYARD – MORNING
KRIS HUMPHRIES is chopping wood ferociously and is approached by RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS, whose names escapes us.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: Kris, you’re going to get a hernia. Come back inside.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: No, I like chopping wood when I am furious. Each chop is like what I would do to that fat ass Kim Kardouche-ian if she were right here in my eye sight.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: We are mad at her as well. But we want you to come inside and talk this through.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: What is there to say? That mother of hers has a finger in this and that grandmother of hers, Bruce Jenner must be laughing all the way to the bank.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: Bruce is her step-father, not grandmother.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: I am not so sure about that actually. Have you seen her up close? It’s weird.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: We have to figure out what to say to these…these…these… accusations.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: These are allegations not accusations.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: Whatever you say son.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: Admit it RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS, you are also wondering if the report in the Star is true. Right?
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: Nah. It’s hearsay.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: One word and the witch hunt begins. Leave it up to those Kardashian Witches to start a witch hunt.
RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS: We don’t think for one second that you are gay. (Beat) Are you?
KRIS HUMPHRIES: You see? Even my own RANDOM FAMILY MEMBERS have sipped the witch’s brew.