“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Woody Allen in Annie Hall.
Twitter was a twitter this week with the results of a new study involving bisexual males. The findings? Bisexual males exist. Really? No kidding. I could have told you that from the slew of straight guys I have slept with over the years. Especially when I was younger and hotter. The study conducted at Northwestern University is called, “Sexual arousal patterns of bisexual men revisited”. Revisited no less? The first study done in 2005 by Michael Bailey, a psychologist at Northwestern University concluded, “I am saying that in men there’s no hint that true bisexual arousal exists.” Pshaw. So, what now? He wasn’t really sure about those results and decided to do it again? Or was Mr. Bailey aroused at the notion of male genitalia and decided to “revisit” the whole story? Who paid for this study anyway? I hope our government did not fund that ridiculous experiment, because if they did, I will have to side with the Tea Party (Tea Baggers in this case) regarding senseless government spending.
Apparently, for Poontang Round Two they found “more than just a hint of male bisexuality”. First of all, who cares. Second of all, who cares. And third of all, when you hear the details around this study, you will pee, and not in a cup. Much more stringent criteria were used to recruit bisexual male study participants for the second coming . “Last time, they got their guys from an ad in an urban newspaper read by a hipster crowd”, said Allen Rosenthal, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology and the lead author of the new study. This time, instead of relying on self-reporting of sexual orientation, men only qualified as bisexuals if they had had sex with at least two members of each sex and had carried on a romantic relationship of at least three months with a member of each sex. (Like certain Republican congressman.) Whatever. In a study conducted by I Mean…What?!?, we found that people get horny, especially when they are drunk and throw care to the wind. You just own won’t find these results in the New England Journal of Medicine.