“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

I’ve been an underdog my whole life. First as Jewish kid being raised in a predominantly anti-Semitic, blue-collar, armpit of a town in New Jersey. Second as a fat kid being raised in the pre-obese kids era that we live in now. I could go on, but will spare you my heartbreaking saga (the book is being written, naturally). As a new “blogger”, I am in the underdog position again, since there are 7 million to 10 million active blogs on in the Internet at any given time. Reading today’s Style Section of The New York Times (yes, I still do) there’s a piece called, Blogs Falling on an Empty Forest. Does this intimidate me? Nope. That which doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger. Hence, I root for the underdog whenever possible. Just not today. I checked out Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine, that is determined to take on Google. And what do I think? “Awwww. Bingy. Poor baby.” Nice try. Shall I tell you why I think it’s fotz? Do you know what fotz is yet? Can you guess? (See footnote below.)

So, I went to Bing this morning, with the hopes of becoming a Bing-er. To begin Bing-ing my way through life, Bing-ing like there is no tomorrow. A binge Bing-er, as it were, since I am now, a major Googler…Googgle-ing my tits off. Yes, I am an admitted Google-holic. (Raising my hand here) “Hi, I’m Abe, and I’m a Google-aholic.” Naturally, I ran to Bing, in the hopes of lining up another info-dealer, but it was a huge disappointment. I Bing-ed myself. Sure plenty of stuff came up under my name…seeing as I am Google-able, dear. But virtually nothing came up related to I MEAN…WHAT?!?…I mean…what?!? Sorry, Mr. Gates, but…that…is…totally…unacceptable. If you are going to laud Bing as “the new improved search engine” for the Internet, and my blog, which granted is still fresh, but I do track a very respectable audience, then something is wrong with your picture. Your search engine should cater to us bloggers. And if you want me to become a devout Bing-er, well, you have plenty of work to do. Until then, I just have to keep going to my Google Anonymous meetings in the hopes of keeping my addiction in check. And only Google when doing research…which fortunately, I need to do everyday because of I Mean…What?!? THAT WHICH DOES NOT EXIST IN THE BING UNIVERSE!

What is FOTZ?

Etymology: What started out as a sarcastic reference to something, someone, well, anything, that “thinks” they are fascinating. So, it went from fascinating to fotzinating to fotzy balloons to fotzy to the currently, most used…fotz. Her are a few good examples.

• Bing is fotz.
• What Madonna wore to the Costume Institute Gala was fotz.
• George Bush was fotz…still probably is.
• Most Repubicans are fotz.
• Susan Boyle’s first set of makeovers were fotz.
• People who believe their own press are really fotz.
• Jon and Kate are uber-fotz.

What do you think is fotz?