“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Let us take a moment to observe the human species. You know, the mere mortals that plod along, making hay while the sun shines and other such honorable activities. Now, let’s take two such humans, and see how they spent their Christmas. This might shed some light on the condition we call human, while identifying the the difference between a good guy and a member of the “Lucky Sperm Club”.

Our first human is Jasper Schuringa, a little known, rather, completely unknown film director wanna-be from Holland, who happened to be on that potentially doomed Delta flight from Amsterdam to Detroit, on which a Nigerian man attempted to set off a bomb, in the hopes of killing hundred of passengers, all in the name of…let me guess…Allah. If Allah existed, he sure would be pissed with all these skinny, gross baboons bandying his name about trying to cause harm and other unworthy activities of breathing our air. Back to the human in question. Jasper Schuringa sensed danger, and jumped into action.

“I saw smoke rising from a seat…I didn’t hesitate. I just jumped,” Schuringa said and dove over four passengers to reach Abdul Mutallab’s seat. The suspect had a blanket on his lap. “It was smoking and there were flames coming from beneath his legs.” I searched his body parts and he had his pants open. He had something strapped to his legs.” Our human then ripped the flaming, molten object — which resembled a small, white shampoo bottle — off Abdul Mutallab’s left leg, near his crotch. He said he put out the fire with his bare hands. “I took him in a chokehold to the first class.” (Well,  that’s one way to get upgraded. But I don’t recommend it.) In closing, Jasper said, “I don’t feel like a hero. It was something that came completely natural. It was something where I had to do something or it would be too late.”

Now let’s discuss the member of the “Lucky Sperm Club”, Charlie Sheen and while we are at it, I’m gonna give an honorable mention to his booze addled wife, Brooke Mueller, a modern woman who kept her name after the marriage. Such a feminist. Here we have a human with everything available at his finger tips. Charlie, a well-documented alcoholic, wife beater, (and while I may be taking liberties here, is probably a bit of an asshole as well), is the highest paid television actor. Now, that’s America for you. Let’s honor the guy with the worse possible reputation with the largest possible pay day. What…like he wouldn’t do that stupid television show for a little less money? He needs to be THE highest paid actor? That, in a nutshell, is what’s wrong with Hollywood. They turn the cheek, and I don’t mean in a Jesus kind of way. It’s more like in an ass cheek kind of way. So, Charlie and the ex-bimbo are up boozing all Christmas Eve. Sure hope the little twins were safely tucked away. I also want to know if they were also being watched by a non-alcoholic. One can only hope. So somewhere in the early morning, while most families are about to get up, have eggnog, open presents, these two high-paid, low-rent types are up yelling at each other something like this:

SHEEN: I am the highest paid actor in television.
MUELLER: What does that do for me?
SHEEN: I give you everything money can buy.
MUELLER: I am straddled with twins and want my own acting career.
SHEEN: Ha ha ha ha. You can’t act your way out of a paper bag.
MUELLER: Oh, no? How about every time you get on top of me. I deserve an Oscar.

BAM!

Now come the publicists, you know, those loving types who seek “Truth, Justice and the American Way” to cover up for their wonderful client who pays them top dollar. Another remarkable personality trait in Hollywood, kill for the blessed buck. Well, I have laid out the two humans and how they spent their Christmas. Now, who would you rather be?