Days of Kim’s Lives: Bitchin’ Kitchen

The New Witches of Eastwick?

Now that the Kardashian’s have resumed being in the top spot of media placement, not a day goes by that we don’t know what is happening in their lives. Between romances, pregnancies, and marital bliss we are pretty much up-to-the-minute with the Kardashian girls. In today’s episode, KIM, KHLOE & KOURTNEY are hanging around the Kardashian Kalabasas Kompound Kitchen doing nothing, contrary to popular belief that what they really do is nothing.


KIM, KHLOE & KOURTNEY are hanging around the Jenner house kitchen doing nothing, contrary to popular knowledge of what they really do, which is nothing.

KOURTNEY: (Laying on the couch, laptop on belly, eating Fluffer Nutter.) I am sooo tired.

KHLOE: (Enters holding martini.) From what exactly?

KOURTNEY: You try getting pregnant and talk to me then. You’ll see.

KHLOE: Kim, can you stand her?

KIM: (Kim is annoyed deep in text mode.) Another wardrobe malfunction?


KIM: What?

KHLOE: Your sister is complaining about being tired from her pregnancy.

KIM: Kourtney, we are not being filmed right now, so you can take that pillow out of your shirt and relax.

KOURTNEY: I don’t know what you are talking about.

KHLOE: Bitch, the cameras are off, it’s just us. We know that you’re really not pregnant. Remember, I came up with that storyline because you were hovering on the brink of irrelevance according to the tabloids.

KOURTNEY: You bitch. (Takes out pillow.) Whatever. (Gets up to get a martini.)

KIM: Your idea? Hello, it was my idea to get Kourtney knocked up again. Once Kanye and I hooked up Kourtney needed something fast. (Gets up, goes to mirror.) You really are a bitch. (Sneaks a swig of booze.)

KHLOE: (To camera.) Seriously, we are all bitches.

KOURTNEY: That may be true, but you are the worst.

KIM: (Returns to seat.) Kourtney bring back that Fluffer Nutter. I am famished and friggen Kanye does not let me eat my fun foods. She is sooo demanding, that one.

KHLOE: I still can not believe that you are screwing Kanye West.

KOURTNEY: Are you really screwing Kanye or PR screwing Kanye?

KIM: Is there a difference?

KHLOE: Yes, one is for show, the other is for poontang. You guys need a man like Lamar. He does whatever I want.

KOURTNEY: That’s ’cause you have become his Sugar Mamma, girl.

KIM: He’s like the new black Kris Humphries.

KHLOE: Let me at her. (Goes to attack KIM.)

KOURTNEY gets between them.

KOURTNEY: Cut it out you two bitches.

KIM: Let’s face it, we don’t have the best luck with men.

KHLOE: Speak for yourself.

KIM: Come on, look at us. We are sooo amazing. No man is really truly worthy of us. Or me anyway, for sure.

KHLOE: You’re pathetic.

KOURTNEY: She has a point Madame Odom.

KHLOE: I happen to love Lamar and he loves me. You’re both just jealous.

KOURTNEY: Jealous of that thing? I don’t think so. Frankly, I like my situation the best.

KHLOE: What a fake pregnancy? That’s just sad.

KOURTNEY: At least I only have to deal with Scott’s little Disick when we are filming the show. You guys are all up in your mans’ business twenty-four-seven. That’s annoying beyond.

KIM: You just wish you could nail someone like Kanye West.

KOURTNEY: Are you high? (Kim checks her nose in mirror.) I would sooner get really pregnant with Scott’s little Disick.

KHLOE: Sisters, sisters, enough. This is no time for a pissing contest. We have a few precious hours to be real without the watchful eyes of Kris that bitch and her friggen cameras. Let’s just try to enjoy this moment.

KIM: First of all, don’t call me your sister until you get that friggen DNA test. And (B) if I wanted to enjoy myself, I would not be here with the two of you. I’d be with Kanye, Beyonce, Jay Z and Gwenythe Paltrow.

KHLOE: They, like we, think you are beyond annoying.

KIM: You both are just jealous.

KHLOE: You really are the world’s biggest bitch.

KOURTNEY: She’s not a bitch, dummy, she’s a whore.

KIM: (To camera) Help, I cannot believe that we have three more years of this shit. I have to get out of this contract. Ryan Seacrest, I hate you.






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