Oy...please...Angelina...don't do it.
Angelina Jolie is rumored to play the Wicked Witch of the West?!? Say it ain’t so. Don’t get me wrong, I love Angelina Jolie. I love her enough to tell her not to do this, as it is NOT the role of a lifetime. Gia was that for her. Forget about Angelina Jolie for a minute and let’s just discuss why anyone in Hollywood thinks they have what it takes to take on the challenge of remaking The Wizard of Oz. And please don’t tell me that Tim Burton wants to do it. Though he is brilliant and everything, his technicolor weirdness would just get in the way of this great, simple, classic story. I am sure that his wife Helena Bonham Carter would insist on playing the Wicked Witch of the West. Then there’s Jerry Bruckheimer, who yields all sorts of power in Hollywood, kind of like the Wizard as it were, who has tackled the romantic comedy genre with Confessions of a Shopaholic, and would see this as his greatest feat. Please Lord…just say no. The reason why The Wiz worked (though it was really bad) was by redoing it as a black, urban production, you took that leap of faith. Michael Jackson as Dorothy felt very natural because in essence, he was Dorothy, and lived out that fantasy till his untimely death. And Diana Ross as old Dorothy was a goddess….so we forgave her. I mean she was The Boss.
I still say, “Don’t do this…anyone”. So let’s say I am out numbered, they greenlight the remake and the casting begins. Can I at least make my suggestions? Rather than try to make The New Improved Loud Wizard of Oz, a big gaudy production, why not do an eight party TV series with all the best reality show stars.
Dorothy: Rachel Uchitel…ask Gloria Allred, she is a damsel in distress and dying to be an actress.
Scarecrow: Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor)….he will do anything to stay on television.
Tin Man: Jesse James, this might be the only way to remotely make him watchable. And when he starts boo-hooing about cheating on Sandra, Rachel (Dorothy) can oil him up. Chances are though, they will get caught fucking in Enchanted Forest. (Lions and tigers and skanks…oh, my.)
The Lion: Clay Aiken, after his stint on Broadway, he is a shoe-in for this role. A gay wuss.
The Wizard: Jill Zarin, come on…she is THE biggest know it all. And the changing up of the sex for this casting is a stroke of genius.
Glenda, The Good Witch: Indrani, (a.k.a. Cougar Lesbian) though you may not know her yet, she is the star of the upcoming Bravo-TV series, Double Exposure. You’ll see why I say she should do it. That is if you Watch What Happens.
So, can we now all agree with my first statement and LET’S NOT DO THIS!!!
