“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Let it be said that I called the Sarah Palin getting a Fox News deal early this summer. I wrote: “You can ask my sister Vivian, as we were watching the freakishly neurotic and overly audible Sarah Palin resignation speech on CNN, though we were shocked that they broke away from the Michael Jackson Minutia Report, that I immediately turned to her and quoted Deep Throat and said, “Follow the money”. Sarah Palin, the smart but insane sexist windbag, will write her book, which will read like a diary from an eight grader, do a massive book tour throughout the… Read More »

Here’s proof that all you need is some dough in order to get a star of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What’s next? Grauman’s Chinese Theater letting Kim Kardashian plant her tootsies in their precious cement? Call me old fashioned, but when I think of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I think of Greta Garbo, Jean Harlow, Clark Gable and Fred Astaire…to name a few. Not Howie Mandel, or P Diddy, or does it say Sean Combs…whatever, Buzz Aldrin (really? why, cause he lives in LA?), or Ryan Seacrest. Can we call that a stretch…please? It all proves my point… Read More »

I am a huge Rachel Zoe fan. As a ex-fatty I cannot condemn her for wanting to be too rich or too thin, which is the mantra of the glitterati set. Seems like she is really busy and always on the run, extremely neurotic, and uber-self conscious. All of those things make you loose weight, so she in fact can start The Rachel Zoe Diet, which is the combination of all of the aforementioned. The Rachel Zoe Diet limits your food intake, quadruples you Starbucks ingestion and the act of saying and being fiercely fabulous will take pounds off your… Read More »

Let’s go back in time a few months when NBC announced its “ground breaking” late-night turned prime-time programming coup d’ etat. The hype was exhausting. Leno was a bigger news story than both wars put together. Jeff Zucker touted, “The Jay Leno Show will change the face of prime-time television”. The peacock network was basking in the glow of their brilliant maneuver way before the first show aired. Jay Leno even said, “If we go down in flames, we’ll be laughing on the way down, believe me,” during the summer press tour. Do you think Jay Leno and Jeff Zucker… Read More »

V is For Victory for Tubby…I mean…Voluminously Voluptuous Women. To be clear, V Magazine is doing a whole issue with plus-sized models. This is a major statement for the normally anorexic audience that reads most uber-fabulous glossies. Didn’t they all start the trend in vomiting and other such lovely feats of strength to look thin and gorgeous. As a past fatty, I am glad that V is willing to dedicate this much attention and resources to acknowledge this audience. I just wonder if it will be the token fat issue and never again will we see an unsightly bulge…except in… Read More »

My head is spinning from the announcement of Bristol Palin’s new public relations firm that has launched called BSMP LLC. Since you asked, that stands for Bristol Sharon Marie Palin Lascivious Lame Crapola. Bristol has become the spokes-model for Candie’s Foundation against teenage pregnancy and abstinence, not that she would know anything about any of that. But besides the point, what next step is there for the teenage mother, really? Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Palin compound (nee house) as they sat around trying to figure out next steps in world domination on the heels… Read More »

There are two dreadful days of the year. No, not April 15, that one I can stomach. These are the bitter pills of days. One of them is that first day back to work (or school, which caused the problem in the first place) after the long, joyous summer. I did a piece The End of Summer Stomach Ache earlier this year. It is clear as a bell why they call it Labor Day because it’s as painful as being in labor. The other horrendous day is the first day back to work after the Christmas holidays having overdosed on… Read More »

How did The New York Times Style section figure out a way to stretch an article about Justin Bieber as long as it was? The guy is still in diapers for Christ’s sake. Is there really enough depth for such an extensive piece? Oh, right, the Jingle Ball, now there’s a life-altering lesson to share. Needless to say, when I read that his mother was praying that the Jewish hip-hop manager would not be their ticket to fame and fortune, I cringed. But to learn that Justin has a swagger coach…for what…to give his prepubescent genital area some Elvis action…well…I… Read More »

Here is what I cannot stand about the liberal media. That you have a certified jerk and admitted Oxycontin addict like Rush Limbaugh, rushed off to the hospital while on his Christmas vacation, admitting to the medical crews that he was taking drugs for his back problems. That old excuse? Where are all the conflicting reports? Where are the many spoofs on his drug addiction? Where is that hospital report? If this was any other well-known person (I hate to call him a celebrity because he is so gross), it would be all over the tabloids. But yoo hoo…must you… Read More »

Plans, schmans. I tend to not go out on New Year’s Eve after so many years of going out. Plenty of fun was had over the years, but as rigor-mortis sets in, I have embraced the solitude, perhaps a friend or two and a sister or two to share the tidings has been the deal as of late. This year, I was invited to a small gathering, which was actually a great option. Car service to and fro, being with my good friend in town from Los Angeles, we rarely are in the same timezone on New Year’s. All the… Read More »