“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

There’s something fishy going on here. My guess is that the unexpected news of the pending nuptials between Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston is really just a ruse and not even true. The whole story is a publicity scam generated out of Sarah Palin‘s office. Well, seeing that her publicist is Bristol Palin, BSMP, LLC, the idea was to show the world just how forgiving and generous Sarah Palin is. And given the sensitive, personal nature of this matter, Sarah will come off as a magnanimous force of nature, hence a great candidate for the Presidency in 2012. Here’s how it went down:

INT. PALIN HOME OFFICE / WASILLA – DAY

SARAH: (Wringing dish towel) These friggen Tea Baggers are driving me to drink.
BRISTOL: Yeah, I see what you mean. I leave your side for a fashion photo shoot in New York City and one little party and this is who you cozy up to? You can’t be left alone for one minute?
SARAH: What am I going to do? These nut bags are dragging down my Q rating.
BRISTOL: Look, I am not the head of my own PR firm for nothing. I’ll figure something out.
SARAH: Well, hurry up. Barack Obama and I are quickly becoming the laughing stocks of politics. And I’ll be damned if I let Hillary Clinton waltz into the top spot.
BRISTOL: Oh Mother, stop being so paranoid. (Beat, light bulb) I got it. You won’t like it, but it is a doozy.
SARAH: I’m desperate, shoot.
BRISTOL: Well, what were you thinking with that prayer for the oil spill. Yikes.
SARAH: Listen young lady…
BRISTOL: I’ll marry Levi.
SARAH: That’s ridiculous. I’d rather become a Democrat.
BRISTOL: No, hear me out. We will stage a secret rekindling of our romance, announce it to a tabloid, and not tell you first. Total betrayal.
SARAH: That’s disgusting. I love it.
BRISTOL: You will be the unsuspecting victim that any parent in the same situation would be mortified. You and Daddy with get millions of sympathy votes beyond.
TODD: Do I get to pose nude for Playgirl, punkin?
BRISTOL: Oh, daddy, please. (Scratches head) Hmmm, we’ll make that Plan B.
SARAH: But darlin’, I can not stand that little pervert.
BRISTOL: Oh, Ma, what mother actually likes her son-in-law?
TODD: Yup, she’s got a point there.
SARAH: (Winks) Alright, let’s do it.

Seems like Bristol Palin has turned out to be the smarty pants of the Palin clan. Come on…she became the first out of wedlock, teenage mother to serve as spokes-model for abstinence…an Emperor’s New Clothes situation like no one’s business. She has proven to be a PR maven at the ripe old age of nineteen. When I was her age, I was already on my third addiction.