There’s so much hub-bub about torture in the news these days. I’ve looked at the evidence, listened to the pundits and dickheads (Dick Cheney, who else?) and have decided that water boarding and all the other methods wouldn’t compare to what I have concocted as a far more effective and painless way to scare the bejesus out of any terrorist and get them talking.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey...now this is going to be torture.
THE I MEAN…WHAT?!? TORTURE METHOD
- Have them watch every episode, back-to-back, of The Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, Orange County AND New Jersey. After all that, they will be squirming and begging for mercy AND take major pity on American men. They would never want to hurt us again, since we have figured out how to torture ourselves with the women we keep.
- Read them every single Tweet that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have Twittered since they started Twittering. And for good measure throw in all of Miley Cyrus, P-Diddy. Larry King and Alyssa Milano’s endless Twitting…as in twits, not tweets.
- If by now, you don’t have them where you want them, play endless hours of Rush Limbaugh (fresh out of Oxycontin, cause he gets uber-annoying), Bill O’Reilly and a collection of rants from Fox News noodniks like Sean Hannity or Karl Rove which will make Chinese water torture feel like a massage.
If this doesn’t work…well then…I give up. But it’s worth a try.
