“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Now I’ve heard everything; indirectly comparing Madonna to Michael Jackson about her obsession with children. I kid you not, and I quote: “The children of the world are not safe, as long as Madonna’s midlife crisis rages unchecked.” This is from an article written by Andrea Peyser, the horrendous Republican that writes for the New York Post. (Granted, I should not read that rag, but Page Six…come on.)  Peyser continues to rip Madonna a new asshole for wanting to go to Africa and adopt another child, this time a little three-year-old girl named Mercy.  Excuse me, Andrea dear, but the fact that Madonna wants to adopt a little girl and get her out of the far-shtun-keneh (stinking in Yiddish) country of Malawi IS SHOWING MERCY. As in, “Lord have Mercy, get me the fuck out of this primitive country so I can live on Central Park West with other lovely children, where I might actually get to see the insides of a classroom and better yet, Disneyland, and best yet…FOOD”.

I simply cannot believe that these people would not support Madonna, who wants to do her part by helping raise another needy child from Africa, since she has the means, kindness and best intentions. And because Madonna wants to do this in a timely fashion, this makes her an ogre. Catch this: “We feel Madonna is behaving like a bully,” said Undule Mwakusungula, chairman of the Human Rights Consultative Committee. “She has the money and the status to use her profile to manipulate, to fast-track the process.” Uuuuummmmmm….yeah and that is a good thing…right Martha? I feel like calling Undule myself and saying loud and clear, “I MEAN…WHAT?!?” All I know is that anyone that wants to vilify Madonna for her generous, kind, gesture…well, they need to be thrown into that river in Malawi where the townsfolk bathe and shit. We’ll be hearing cries for mercy then, plenty.