Kris & Kim: The War of the Roses

As The Stomach Turns... The endless saga of utter blather.

Three point two million people tuned in to watch As The Stomach Turns, Episode 2, The War of the Roses. I chose to watch Homeland and Dexter instead of this fabricated nonsense. The thought that I was so right about how Kris & Kim’s divorce would play out so publicly makes me sad. But rather than lament on the shortcomings of our culture and how we spend our viewing time, let’s take a peek into what really was said at the above photo shoot, which from the looks of these sour pusses, was shot way into the terminally ill portion of the Kris & Kim union.

INT. – MILK STUDIOS – LOS ANGELES - DRESSING ROOM #1 – ALL FRIGGEN DAY

KOURTNEY: Can you believe what jerks we are involved with?
KIM: Don’t remind me. Let’s just enjoy this photo shoot and pretend that the men are not even here.
KOURTNEY: Come to think of it Kim, I am a little annoyed at you for upstaging my tumultuous relationship with Scott. That is clearly my ongoing storyline.
KIM: Well, it is not like I planned for Kris to be a capitol jerk-off.
KOURTNEY: That’s because you are clueless. We all spotted that a mile away. We knew it was going to be trouble by just looking at him.
KIM: What does that even mean?
KOURTNEY: The height difference alone was ridiculous. Besides, you have nothing in common with him.
KIM: Look who is calling the pot a kettle. Or the kettle a pot or the black kettle… oh you know what I mean. Scott is plenty annoying and what pray tell do you have in common with him? Booze?
KOURTNEY: I am not a drinker.
KIM: I rest my case. I put up with him all these years because you are my sister and I love you and think you are insane for staying with him.
KOURTNEY: Scott and I have a child together. What’s your excuse.
KIM: Well, let’s just hope Mason is the last in that family line.
KOUTRNEY: Well? If you must know.
KIM: Don’t even tell me. This show is all supposed to be about me and that douche in the other room.
KOURTNEY: I can’t help it if I give in to temptation every few years. Besides Mom told me that it would be the only way to save our careers once your sham marriage ended in divorce.
KIM: Shhhhh….
KOURTNEY: Kris is bad news. And he looks a little dense.
KIM: That’s my douche bag, I mean, husband you are talking about. I never bad mouthed your alcoholic, money-scamming, two-bit peddler… as much I wanted to.
KOURTNEY: You didn’t have to, it was written all over your face. It comes through all that shellack and varnish.

CUT TO:

INT. – MILK STUDIOS – LOS ANGELES - DRESSING ROOM #2 – ALL FRIGGEN DAY

SCOTT: This will be the longest shoot ever. You do realize that.
KRIS: What’s another wasted day Keeping Up With The Kardouche-ians.
SCOTT: Look buddy, these gals are giving you a livelihood.
KRIS: (Beat) I am not an animal.
SCOTT: Huh?
KRIS: I am an athlete. I play basketball. I wear shorts and run around and sweat for a living. I don’t stand around and read lines fed to me by Kim’s grandmother, Bruce Jenner.
SCOTT: That’s not her grandmother, he is their stepfather.
KRIS: Well, you could have fooled me.
SCOTT: Clearly that’s not a hard thing to do.
KRIS: Hey, what do you mean by that.
SCOTT: You didn’t see the Truman Show Trap that the Kardouche-ians, kinda love that, set up for you to walk right into?
KRIS: I don’t know what you mean.
SCOTT: Exactly. They wanted a big, hot dummy to walk into Kim’s life so they could set up all the trappings like the multimillion dollar wedding, the divorce…
KRIS: What divorce?
SCOTT: Ooops.

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One Response to «Kris & Kim: The War of the Roses»


  1. Nov 30, 2011 at 7:56 am, Jenny Lopez said:

    hahahha real, or fake loves it

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