Between Oprah’s Favorite Things and every friggen Holiday Gift Guide it seems like no one is doing the honest service of pointing out the “Least Favorite Things” until now. Welcome to the inaugural Abe’s Least Favorite Things list to kick off Cyber Vomit Monday. First of all, let me start by including Black Friday and Cyber Monday to this list. Nothing good comes to shepherding the masses to do stuff. Look at the many injured or dead people from Freaky Black Friday’s ridiculous shopping day. Better yet, what about those morons who forfeited their quality family time to go shopping for iPhones that really are not all that great. Was it Karl Marx that said “Religion is the opiate of the people”? Well this philosopher thinks so too is shopping. Retailers can say what they want in its defense, but since it brings out the gross baboon in your fellow man rather than the holiday spirit, well let me quote the other philosopher Martha Stewart by saying it is not “A good thing”. As for Cyber Monday, can we make the word e-tail illegal? And (B) What good can become of Specialty Store Saturday (or whatever the fuck that’s called) when you are been given no incentive to budge from your bunny slippers and robe to purchase an unnecessary item on Main Street, while paying full retail, which Jews do not believe in.
Abe’s Least Favorite Things
1. Uggs: You can try to dress them up with sequence or offer in all the colors of the rainbow, they are gross and unflattering. PS. Jewish girls with zaftig asses… beware. They are so unflattering that you may stay single till death do you part wearing them.
2. Tablets: These new tablets especially the ones that are featured with television ads showing how wonderful they are to exchange photos with your friends by just touching tablets. I would sooner kill myself than need that feature.
3. Tofurkey and Gluten Free Sides: I don’t care if you are Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow, come Thanksgiving just shut up about healthy choices. One day out of the year won’t kill you to nibble on the thigh of a non-pardoned bird and enjoy the high fat content in such sides as my Sweet Potato Casserole or Corn Pudding that have become an American tradition. No thanks to Sheryl Goldstein and her cookbook, The No Gluten Solution. So you have high cholesterol. It is still safer to stay in and eat this crap then going to K-Mart at 5AM for the iPhone 5.
4: The Clear Strap Bra: This from my friend who thinks the bra strap is visible. Upon closer inspection, my take is the whole bra should be see through and in hindsight, just forfeit the whole bra and relax into your jiggly breasts.
5: Match.com Membership: Have you given in and tried it? How many people do you never want to meet for “Coffee & Conversation” can you possibly receive a wink from? I especially love the people who do not include a picture. NOTE TO THOSE: If I wanted to have sex in a back room, I wouldn’t be emailing with you. Actually, stop bothering me, I’m e-tailing as we speak.
6. Crocs: Like Uggs, these hopeless items can not be re-branded or re-introduced under any circumstances… unless you are a lesbian. Moving on.
7. Pink Friday-Nicki Minaj Fragrance: Exactly who wants to smell like a ho? Guess we can go to Macy’s and find out. My thoughts on celebrity fragrances are well documented but this just proves that there is no accounting for taste or scent.
8. Donald Trump: Just had to throw that in there.
9. The Daddle: (See above) A saddle for dads to give their little brats piggy back rides. This item was actually featured on The Tonight Show. Reason 1 to watch The Colbert Report.
10: Your suggestion here: Tweet @imeanwhat your least favorite thing this year.