“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Policy shmolicy. Who wants to join a group that doesn’t let you be who you are and cultivate the best in you? Gays want to be in the military? For what? The clothes? I am confused. Are you trying to tell me that grunting along some dusty patch of Middle Eastern soil is what you really want to go for? What about shopping on Madison? Or happy hours in Chelsea (NYC). The term “gay” kicked in the 1960’s and since then, the reference to homosexuality has shifted to a light, frothy, sexy lifestyle filled with booze, drugs and dancing. No? You’re a different kind of gay? I see.

Let me say that I completely respect the “I’m not that kind of gay” thing, believe me. Because I am not that kind of gay either. I’m definitely not YOUR kind of gay because to me, Boot Camp is an aerobic workout, not a place to live. Actually, I have come to the realization that I am not really gay anymore, period.  Homosexual, yes. Gay, no.  Recently, I went to visit a friend who retired to Fort Lauderdale (a.k.a. gay Mecca). Once there, while observing all the gays in the Queendome, I had my epiphany. There were so many aspects of the “gay lifestyle” that made me feel like an outsider. “Could it be that I am just not gay anymore?”, I wondered? “Am I free from the bondage of self?” Here’s a few reasons why I am no longer gay:

1. I don’t go to Happy Hours.
2. I don’t go to discos on weeknights, well, or most weekends for that matter.
3. I don’t cruise the internet, just write on it.
4. Don’t own any Diesel anything.
5. I’ve let my pierced ears close up.
6. I don’t own a pair of those Nike sneakers with the springs as soles.
7. I think the rainbow flag is hideous (and think is should be solid black, which is slimming).
8. I think “bear culture” is anti-gay due to the large belly situation.
9. I think faux-hawks are ridiculous. Why would anyone want to look like a chicken…and I don’t mean a pretty, young thing. I mean a friggen rooster.
10. I find very detailed facial hair exhausting to look at.
11. I don’t quite get leather culture. There’s something about an exposed flat ass in chaps that I find repulsive.
12. And as for the bondage thing…I mean…what?

Whatever…I give up. I’m happy to just sit here in My Own Private Idaho and watch the world go by and make comment upon comment in the hopes of creating a viral community where all are welcome to join. Gay or not. A place where honesty is the best policy, where you can say what you feel, and be who you are.