“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

So here’s the downside for Kanye Kardashian. Um, that’s it.

The New York Daily News had this to say:

KANYE WEST and Kim Kardashian may be highly compatible, but their brands are not. The rapper drew double takes Tuesday night when he showed up at Chanel’s Tribeca Film Festival Dinner at Odeon with his new squeeze — but not because they’re the media’s latest celebrity obsession.

Word quickly traveled among the chic crowd that Kanye was supposed to come solo to the dinner, which also drew Robert De Niro, Liv Tyler, Val Kilmer, Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber, and he probably should have. One guest says Kardashian “was really out of place” at the Tribeca bistro.

We think we understand why: West, who’s a true hip-hop artiste and has brought his Dw collection to the runways of Paris, fits in with Chanel’s haute fashion image, but Kardashian, whose label hangs on racks at Sears, does not. Will H&M please come to the rescue?

 THE DAYS OF KIM’S LIVES…A KARDASHIAN KRISTMAS – Posted December 28

Has the dust settled yet? Come on. Enough is enough. You can not keep Kim Kardashian down any longer. She has served up vittles to poor people and schlepped to Haiti to show just how much she cares, which was exhausting, thank you very much. Kim has gone down on her knees to say two hail Marys—OK, maybe it was to her hairdresser and make-up artist—but she feels absolved. Now she wants in on the action, so where’s the party? Look no further as last week Kim hit the Kanye West and Jay-Z “Watch the Throne” concert and after-party in Los Angeles. Word is that Kanye could not keep his hands off Kim. Let’s just CUT TO some of the out takes from the cancelled Kardashian Kristmas Special on E!, where not a kreature was stirring, not even a kouse.

INT. KARDASHIAN KALABASAS KOMPOUND – KRISTMAS MORNING

KIM KARDASHIAN is creeping into the Jenner House wearing a leopard print mini-dress and a chinchilla fur bolero jacket. She is holding her 6-inch Brian Atwood crystal-embellished heels in one hand and an orange Birkin bag in the other. She is clearly doing the walk of shame. As she tippy-toes towards the staircase, KRIS JENNER walks out of the kitchen with a grimaced look holding a leopard print mug in one hand and Star magazine in the other.

KRIS: Don’t tell me you were with Kanye last night or should I say this morning.
KIM: What are you talking about?
KRIS: Oh please, Kim.  Everyone knows that you two are stepping out. It’s right here in black and white and color. “Eating Kim up like a piece of cake” indeed.
KIM: Oh, so you are going to believe what the Star says over me?
KRIS: (Shoots her a look) I would like to believe you Missy. But it has been the kind of year where I have had to act according to what I believe is in your best interests.
KIM: Best interests my ass.
KRIS: That too.
KIM: You call that friggen wedding my best interest? I told you a hundred times that I did not want to go through with that scam.
KRIS: Lower your voice, the others are sleeping and you never know if Ryan Seacrest is bugging this place.
KIM: I told you to stop the circus before it got to the point of no return.
KRIS: There never was a point of no return. The minute I came up with the idea was when all systems were go.
KIM: Then you should have married Kris. I am sure our grandmother upstairs wouldn’t mind.
KRIS: How dare you. That grandmother happens to be your stepfather who took us all in after your father proved to be a douche bag, may he rest in peace.
KIM: What are you talking about? You were the one who had the affair.
KRIS: Oh, I see you have taken to reading finally.

Picks up her book And All Things Kardashian from the bookshelf filled with copies of And All Things Kardashian and holds it up to the camera.

KRIS: Look here, Mrs. Humphies. You are not officially divorced yet and already making the scene. How much more do you want to piss off your fans? And with Kanye West of all people.
KIM: He’s an absolute gentleman.
KRIS: Oh, he’s a real doll, all right. A croc-o-doll. Perhaps I should call Taylor Swift or Amber Rose?

KHLOE & KOURTNEY kome down the stairs.

KIM: Khloe? What are you doing here?
KHLOE: Did you actually think I would stay in Dallas? As soon as they finished filming, I hopped on the first plane back. But enough about me. Where were you last night big sister?
KOURTNEY: Where do you think? With Kanye. Did he caress your head again?
KIM: Oh Kourtney, you’re just jealous.
KRIS: You think I need Kourtney’s two cents? It is as plain as the nose on your face that you were up to no good last night.
KIM: (Grinning while looking in the mirror.) It is no one’s business where I go and what I do.
KOURTNEY, KHLOE & KRIS: Bullshit.
KOURTNEY: What do you mean you don’t need my two cents? You know, it is high time that you all began to respect me around here.

KIM, KRIS & KHLOE snicker.

KENDALL & KYLIE kome down the stairs.

KENDALL & KYLIE: What’s all the commotion down here?
KRIS: Merry Kristmas angels. Kome have some koffee.
KHLOE: Aren’t they a little young to start their day with koffee?
KENDALL & KYLIE: We want kappachinos, non-fat with two Splendas.
KOURTNEY: She is creating more monsters.
KIM: (SOTTO) We can not come off as jealous.
KOURTNEY: (SOTTO) If you think I am going to stand by while those two steal all our thunder, you have another thing coming.
KIM: (SOTTO) Not today. Not today.
KOURTNEY: I’ll get those for you girls. (Heads to kitchen.) Sit down and get komfy. Mommy Dearest was just about to start reading us a chapter from her new book as a way of kicking-off our Kristmas cheer.
KIM: Yeah, Ma, why don’t you read from that chapter where you and that…
KRIS: Let’s just all sit here together and not talk. OK? Let’s just be here together and be grateful for all that God has given me… I mean us.

They sit in silence. KOURTNEY returns with two leopard print mugs for the girls, sets them down and looks around. She begins to speak and gets shushed by Kris.

KHLOE, KIM, KOURTNEY, KYLIE & KENDALL: Awkward.

BRUCE JENNER comes walks down the stairs wearing a red Snuggie. They all look at each other and crack up.

“Happy Kristmas to all, and to all a good knight.”