“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Did you ever Google yourself? And while you were at it, look up who else shares your birthday? Stop judging me. It’s my birthday, as well as George Clooney, Gabourey Sidibe, Willie Mays, Sigmund Freud, Orson Welles, and Rudolph Valentino’s. I love the company I keep. Since I live in my own head, here’s is a scene from my birthday dinner party.

INT. GEORGE CLOONEY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT

GEORGE: Let’s face it, people born on May 6th are amazing.

RUDOLPH: My mother used to tell me that all the time.

SIGMUND: When did your obsession with MOTHER begin?

RUDOLPH: When did YOUR obsession with MOTHER begin, because really, you are the only person that constantly brings that up.

GABOUREY: Speaking of which, my poor mother, everyone treats her as though she was Mo’Nique’s character in Precious.

WILLIE: I feel a bit left our here.

ORSON: We all share many characteristics besides the date of our birth.

ABE: Brilliance?

ORSON: Weight issues.

RUDOLPH: Speak for yourself.

ABE: Well, I was rotund as a child.

GEORGE: Yeah, I was a chubby kid too.

RUDOLPH: I wasn’t.

SIGMUND: You don’t have to be fat in order to have a fat person’s insecurities.

RUDOLPH: Bla bla bla.

ABE: Come now kiddies, it’s our birthday, no fighting.

GABOUREY: Let’s face it, people are just jealous of our fabulosity.

GEORGE: That’s for sure. Why else have I been ignored by the Academy.

WILLIE: I still feel a bit out of place here.

ORSON: I agree with George. They just want to dip their toes in our pool of genius, and give the Oscar to the less deserving.

SIGMUND: Would getting the Academy Award make you feel complete? Is a mere object going to validate you?

GABOUREY, GEORGE, ORSON: Yes.

ABE: So, getting the nomination means nothing?

GABOUREY, GEORGE, ORSON: FOTZ.

ABE: Yeah, but just look at the talent sitting around this table. I say “who cares” about awards, let us revel in our birthday brilliance.

GEORGE: Let’s just see what you say when you don’t win the Oscar for when your film, I MEAN…WHAT?!? comes out and is overlooked by the old crony Academy members.

ABE: I hear you. Those mother fuckers. What do they know. They are just jealous.

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