Is Tiger Woods A Tea Partyer

Apr 12, 2010Breaking Newzzz

Tiger Woods and his band of merry hookers.

What has become of us? Who are we? Has our nation’s pastime become golf? Is baseball passe? So last season? The brand that is golf is having such a hey day, that I actually started wearing my old Izod shirts again. Somebody help me. Take me to a Golfers Anonymous meeting. Surely they exist. There are 12 Step meetings for everything on Earth (i.e., Mistresses Anonymous and Horndogs Anonymous). Since the Tiger Woods and His Band of Merry Hookers fiasco, we have become obsessed with the minutia of the sport and his penis. It is the cover story of every media outlet, blogs included. I Mean…What?!? is guilty of this as well. The latest skank, Devon Jones, has been chatting to the media saying, “He told me he wasn’t happy at home. He said that he was frustrated and depressed, that his wife didn’t sexually satisfy him – that he wasn’t attracted to her very much anymore.” Like she’d be the one Tiger shared his inner feelings with. This past weekend, Tiger was even the lead story of The Evening News. Yoo hoo. It’s golf, remember? We used consider watching paint dry the better spectator sport. How are we to survive as a nation if golf is consuming us?

The album no one bought.

If a story as major as Oprah having lived with John Tesh goes under the radar, surely we have slipped down that slippery slope. With everyone hyper-focused on The Masters, terrorists are tra-la-la-ing their way through airport security with explosives, thinking, “These stupid Americans”. I am beginning to think that Tiger Woods is in cahoots with Sarah Palin and the Tea Party movement. The plan is to shift the nation’s attention away from world news, have everyone reduced to thinking of nothing else besides Tiger Woods, his penis and parade of hookers, as the Tea Party becomes the other lead story. It is brain washing on the level of The Manchurian Candidate. I don’t know about you, but I am really scared that Nike is, in fact, the evil empire, and we are all the pawns in their plot to have the United States become a nation of Tea Partyers wearing Nike sneakers. Yikes.

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