“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

The Petraeus Affair reminds me of the gross situation that Larry King and his wife were in back in April 2010, only reversed…ish. Both affairs have us discussing the sex lives of men that I could not be less interested in discussing. As it is I am barely interested in discussing my own sex life these days–or the lack there in. So now we should be envisioning the topless photo of some codger or the sneaking around between jogging and taking the next hill in Kabul? How do these people do all this catting around while doing important shit? How does one run the greatest military might or better yet, the sneakiest organization on Earth, then proceed to get caught with your pants down…LITERALLY!

Any way you slice it, the cast of characters in this soap opera seem to be garden variety horndogs and manipulative mistresses that otherwise fill the seats in the Twelve Step meetings that I created over the years for situations just like this.

General David Petraeus: His Greek name foreshadows the Greek tragedy here.
Paula Broadwell: The other woman who will be updated into in my article Illicit Sex: The Stepping Stone Into A Media Career.
General John Allen: The other codger who surely wanted a piece of that.
Jill Kelley: The crazy twin, determined to one up her sister  will be included in Illicit Sex: The Stepping Stone Into A Media Career. This chick wanted to access her friends in high places.
The Douche Bag: Jill Kelley’s freind in high places who is said to have political motivations against Obama. The Douche bag is unnamed because his ass is grass.

Surely the cast of characters will grow and and all involved in the Petraeus Affair can take notes from these various principles:

The Twelve Steps of Horndogs Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over poontang—that our lives had become
unmanageable. Well, you try juggling 13 skanks and tell me otherwise.
2. Came to believe that our careers, which is a Power greater than ourselves, could restore us to
sanity. Or a least some assemblance of a life that would not end up on Page Six.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our publicists, because God was nowhere to be found here.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the hookers and skanks for making us do the nasty and loving it.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, to our publicists, agents and managers the exact nature of our wrongs. Sobbing.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, since there was unfinished business deals that had to be honored, and we needed to show our face with out covering it.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our name from Associated Press, Google, Bing, well, any search engine really.
8. Made a list of all persons we had “harmed”, and became willing to pay them off in order to shut their pie holes….damn that Gloria Allred.
9. Made direct amends to our wives, their mothers, our mothers, everyone’s mothers wherever possible, except when to do so would come off ingenuous.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of our possessions since our wives’ mothers were packing up their stuff in order to save face.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our publicists, managers and agents, because these people would always tell us what we want to hear, no matter what.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to see if there was anyway to salvage the relationship before their scumbag lawyers convinced them to take us for all we are worth, which in theory is nothing, but in reality could be up as high as 350 million dollars. And surely, we would practice these principles in all our upcoming affairs.

The 12 Steps of Mistresses Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over unavailable men–that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Powerful man would make us feel complete and could restore our checkbook.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the rich, older, married man…even if we had to give head.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the wife, that bitch, she doesn’t even give him head.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, to our girlfriends over Cosmopolitans the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have the wife removed from this Earth.
7. Humbly asked Him to give me a condo and a monthly allowance or I would tell the wife, rather than admit our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all past relationships of married men, and became willing to make amends to all the wives, now that we had great worldly possessions.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, or get our eyes scratched out.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of all the jewels and gifts and when we were wrong promptly sold them.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us, and the power to land another Sugar Daddy.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other mistresses, realizing what a bunch of hopeless fools they are.

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