What Is A Celebrity Gardener?

P. Allen Smith-Celebrity Gardener

P. Allen Smith-Celebrity Gardener

Maybe I’ve been hiding under a rock lately…nope. Maybe I’ve been so consumed with work…nope. Maybe I’m so focused on living my life one day at a time…nope. Can’t quite put my finger on how I could have possibly missed the emergence of the newest category of celebrity…the Celebrity Gardener. Now, I lived in Los Angeles long enough to know that every celebrity has a gardener. But I didn’t realize that automatically made them Celebrity Gardeners. It doesn’t, right? So, how did that expression get coined? Especially here in New York  where we really don’t have gardens, for the most part. There is an item in today’s New York Post on Page 6 about P. Allen Smith, “Celebrity Gardener”. Now, does this mean he is the gardener of a celebrity? I did a bit of research on Mr. Allen and quickly discovered that he was tall, blond and spoke English. Could this be why he was anointed with the title Celebrity Gardener? ‘Cause every celebrity gardener in Los Angeles, and I speak of the gardeners of celebrities, was a non-English speaking Mexican who reeked of booze. Come to find out that P. Allen Smith just cracked up his car in the Hamptons, due to drunk driving. So the way I see it, the only difference between the Celebrity Gardener and the gardeners of celebrities is the language barrier.

Mexican Gardeners of Celebrities are actually more famous than the Celebrty Gardenerl. I mean...the cover of Time...hello.

Mexican Gardeners of Celebrities are actually more famous than the Celebrity Gardener. I mean...the cover of Time...hello.

I would bet my bottom dollar that the Celebrity Gardener, P. Allen Smith, just like every other gardener of a celebrity, has a leaf blower. A leaf blower is something that you never hear in New York City, because we have every other annoying noise on Earth, and God decided that we could not handle that as well, so that is why we don’t have gardens. Surely now that P. Allen Smith is a Celebrity Gardener, he has a neurotic assistant that does the actual blowing for him. Another case in point: I have been to the homes of many celebrities (with gardeners) who all have incredibly gorgeous, perfectly manicured grounds. These picturesque gardens are tended to with loving care by these amazing gardeners of celebrities. But just because they don’t speak English, that doesn’t make the garden of the celebrity any worse than the garden tended to by the Celebrity Gardener. Does it? So, here’s what I want to know. Once the cat is out of the bag, that all the gardeners of celebrities have to do is learn how to speak English, that they too can become Celebrity Gardeners, does this mean we will see a plethora of wanna-be Celebrity Gardeners, flooding the cable stations with “how-to shows”, hence giving P. Allen Smith a run for his money?

4 Responses to “What Is A Celebrity Gardener?”

  1. Tim says:

    REAL celebrities use a Landscape Architect.

  2. Ericka says:

    Note to self – do not read "I Mean…. What?!?" while eating pretzels. You will choke.

    Seeing as how I live amongst the celebrities, and am looking for a new job, maybe I should become a Celebrity Gardener! I don't know the first thing about gardening, but I suppose I can just hire someone who doesn't speak English to do it for me. Yes??

  3. BA says:

    He's has his own TV Show…so he is his own Celebrity and his show is one of the best garden shows around.

  4. Art says:

    I don't care how good anyone's English is: If you are caught
    crashing through a utility pole, flipping your car
    and driving while intoxicated, you should not be a celebrity anything!
    You should go to jail!
    He looks like Martha Stewart with a penis.

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