“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Here’s the thing about aging…no one does it well. And no one means what they say about how people age. Here’s a few for instances:

“She looks great for her age” which really means “She’s had tons of work done and who is her doctor?”

“He’s so distinguished looking” which is kind for “He used to be so hot, I guess that grey hair is interesting.”

“Cougar” really means an aging desperado, “Let’s see how long that lasts before he sees her in the nude, with the lights on.”

“Getting better with age” simply means “I am extremely depressed about how old I look.”

“With age comes wisdom” is God’s boobie prize.

“I’m not getting older, I’m getting better, like a fine wine” means “When I am drunk, I see the young me in the mirror, so I stay drunk.”

“You’re as young as you feel” means “What is that creaking sound, damn it.” To quote Dorothy Parker here: “Time wounds all heels.”

“Forty is the new thirty” (or any configuration therein) means “I am in denial, please join me.”

I’ll never forget my mother’s great gift to me when I was worried that I would die young as my father had. She took my hand, looked me in the eye and said, “Abe-ala, darling, only the good die young.” All this to say, I love that I am still alive. I embrace each day as a gift…since I am no spring chicken…but I am commited to living a life that I love. For anyone who begins to ponder “aging” on their birthday as I have today, make sure you laugh that day. ‘Cause aging does hurt and laughter is the best medicine. Now excuse me while I go plotz.