“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Eden Wood, that fantastic retiree from Scary Tangerine Pageants, who was recently dressed by Marc Jacobs during New York Fashion Week, has gone into the endorsement/personal appearance business. No more competing with screaming, underfed, tykes. Eden is onto bigger and better opportunities like cocktail parties and store openings. The above promo poster for Eden Wood shows the more horrendous, tacky, hotel ballroom side of her illustrious life whereas below, you see Miss Wood as a lipstick and fur wearing future hussy.

The ladies of The View presented the supreme tangerine Eden Wood, of Toddlers & Tiaras, the 6-year-old retired beauty queen. Eden came by to talk about her new Miley Cyrus-level aspirations and perform her hit single “Cutie Patootie.” Her mother, Micki dispelled any rumors of using products to whiten Eden’s teeth, said she’s never given her Red Bull and insisted that Eden spends most of her days “as a little girl in Southern Arkansas.” Yes, little girl walking around like a hooker. Or Mae West. Something. What gets me, after watching this video, is the first line when Eden sings, “Cutie, Cutie Patootie, Walking ’round town just shaking my booty”. I mean… come on. Shaking her what? Does Eden think she is the new Kelis and her glass of Milk-shake will bring the boys to the yard, or the playground in this case? I give up.

NOTE: This video is from The Talk as The View‘s clip was no longer available. But you will get the point. Eeek.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNAsoBgJmd4